


Not Supposed to Dream About You

by EtoileGarden



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: AU, Au: Niall is alive, Bad Parenting, F/M, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Niall is a BITCH, Ronan is having a HARD TIME, Secrets, injuries, mentioned child abuse, self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 52,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22462714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoileGarden/pseuds/EtoileGarden
Summary: “Something on your mind, love?” Aurora asked, one of her hands straying away from their job of soothing her husbands brow and reaching out to her son instead. She took one of Ronan’s hands in his lap, squeezed it. “What’s bothering you?”Niall opened his eyes, either because he didn’t appreciate the pause in affection, or because he hadn’t realised Ronan had come in.“I was wondering,” Ronan said, “about - uh - Dad.”“Ronan,” Niall said, his tone making it very clear that at this moment 'Ronan' meant 'interruption'.An AU in which Niall Lynch is alive, magic is still very much real, and Ronan is on the cusp of one of his favourite dreams being broken.
Relationships: Aurora Lynch/Niall Lynch, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 311
Kudos: 550





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yes i am back with my multiple chapter fics in which even i don't know how long it's going to be. Thank you for being here!

Niall Lynch wasn’t really someone who was in the habit of explaining himself. He did what he wanted, postured as big as he wanted, and let his large presence carry him through uneasy moments. 

He was also someone who wore secrets and lies as a second coat, and while certainly he came off as charming, he didn’t come off as trustworthy. 

He handed out knowledge and information and wisdom like jewels, wove stories like webs, shared himself on a blue moon. 

Ronan knew this. He knew all of this. In particular, he knew that all of this applied very carefully to his and Niall’s shared talent of dreaming. 

You don’t ask questions. It wasn’t something to be questioned, or explained. For Niall it was innate, and he certainly gave off the impression to Ronan that that was the way it was supposed to be. It was instinctual, not taught. Maybe sometimes Niall would offer a word or two about the subject, but otherwise it was left untouched apart from the arrival of new dreamed objects. 

Ronan wasn’t in the habit of asking questions about dreaming. Or even of asking questions of his father. He had always simply trusted that he would be told what he needed to be told when he needed it. 

Which is why he was nervous about coming into the lounge where his father was sprawled on the couch, head in his wife’s lap while she stroked his wild curls. 

He lingered in the doorway until his mother looked up, her hand pausing on his father’s head. She smiled at him, inclined her head at the chair beside her. Ronan came in, sat down. He knew he was acting obviously oddly. He wasn’t known for being quiet, for sneaking. Niall had told him often enough that Ronan and Matthew together could probably break the record of loudest laughing. 

“Something on your mind, love?” Aurora asked, one of her hands straying away from their job of soothing her husbands brow and reaching out to her son instead. She took one of Ronan’s hands in his lap, squeezed it. “What’s bothering you?” 

Niall opened his eyes, either because he didn’t appreciate the pause in affection, or because he hadn’t realised Ronan had come in. 

“I was wondering,” Ronan said, “about - uh - Dad.” 

“Ronan,” Niall said, his tone making it very clear that at this moment  _ Ronan _ meant  _ interruption _ . 

Ronan might have let this make him leave, if it wasn’t for Aurora’s hand in his. 

“When did you tell mum about your dreaming?” He asked. 

Niall’s eyes had drifted shut, but they snapped back open for this. He looked a moment like he was going to sit up, but after a moment of obvious deliberation, shut his eyes again. 

“Well after we were married,” he said smoothly. “It’s not a light thing to tell someone.” 

Aurora chipped in here. “I always knew,” she said. 

This was somehow the most directly contradicting thing she’d ever said to Niall. At least in front of Ronan. Niall didn’t open his eyes again, but his brow furrowed into a deep groove, and Aurora’s hands didn’t move to smooth it out. 

“In general,” Niall said slowly, “dreaming is something you don’t share until your wife is well and truly promised to you.” 

Ronan considered this. 

“So,” he said. “When you trust them.” 

“When they will always keep your secrets,” Niall adjusted. 

“So,” Ronan began again. 

Niall had apparently had enough. 

“Don’t tell anybody,” he said firmly. Sat up from his wife’s lap. Looked at Ronan, offered him a smile. “It’s for us Lynch’s only. You and me. Understand?” 

Ronan nodded. 

-

An hour after Ronan had gone to bed for the night - light off, earphones in - Niall knocked on his door. Had to knock a few times before Ronan heard it over the sound of his music and grunted in invitation. 

Niall let himself in, shut the door behind him. He crossed the room first, as if he was here for no reason in particular, and pulled the curtain aside a moment to look out the window as if he were admiring the stars. Then he strode over to Ronan’s bed and sat at the foot of it, quiet, until Ronan sat up, tugging his earphones out entirely. 

“Your question today,” Niall said. 

Ronan didn’t think he was about to be told off here. He didn’t get told off much if it didn’t involve school or speeding. He still felt a little… guilty. 

“You have someone you want to tell.” Niall didn’t pose this as a question. Ronan supposed there was no point in treating it like Ronan’s question hadn’t been obviously preceded by the desire to tell someone …  _ important _ . 

He nodded. Niall nodded as well. 

“Some girl you like,” Niall suggested. 

This gave Ronan a little bit of pause. He was under the impression that it was… well. Not obvious that he was gay, per se, but certainly obvious that he wasn’t interested in  _ girls _ . 

“Someone I like.” 

“We haven’t really talked much about this sort of thing,” Niall said. “You dating.” 

“Um,” Ronan offered.

“You need to know,” Niall said, “that right now it’ll just get in the way of your studies. Of your dreaming. You don’t need to date right now. You heard what I said earlier. Only for Lynch’s. You only need your family until you’re fully grown.” 

“Declan’s dating someone right now,” Ronan pointed out, “and he’s only a little older than me.” 

“You’re seventeen,” Niall pointed out, “and Declan is different, anyhow.” 

It was certainly true that Declan was different. 

“He was dating when he was my age,” Ronan tried, “and younger.” 

He didn’t add that he thought Declan was a little bit of a man whore, because that wasn’t going to help his argument. 

“It’s different,” Niall said again, firmer. “Declan has different priorities.” 

Ronan opened his mouth to try and argue a little more, but Niall got back in first. 

“Who is it, anyway?” he asked, his voice suddenly much warmer than it had been. “Who’s the lucky girl?” 

It was quite late, and Ronan, well. He didn’t think that - he didn’t think that Niall would disown him, or get angry even if Ronan were to tell him that it was never going to be a girl, but - 

He didn’t want to. He didn’t - 

It was a scary coiled rock in his gut. He shook his head, pinched at his duvet. 

“Just someone I know,” he mumbled. “From - from Mountain View.” 

He didn’t like to lie, but, this wasn’t  _ technically _ a lie. Adam had come to Aglionby  _ from _ Mountain View. 

“Hm,” Niall said. 

  
  


-

  
  


Gansey called Ronan the following day, around about lunchtime at Aglionby Academy. 

Ronan had never really been fond of his phone, of answering it, particularly. There was too much  _ else _ to do, but. 

He answered. 

“You’re not at school,” Gansey informed him. 

“Thank you, captain obvious,” Ronan replied easily. “They teach you how to state the dumbest facts in your rowing captain training?” 

“Ha ha,” Gansey said. There was a slight kerfuffle from the phone, like Gansey had fumbled it while switching ears. “Matthew said you weren’t ill. Why aren’t you here?” 

Ronan may have been asking about appropriate times to tell people that you were a dreamer the other night specifically for  _ Adam _ , but. But he wanted to tell Gansey too. And Noah. And Blue. These were his best friends, who he had shared so much with, and vice versa, but still couldn’t - still hadn’t - he still hadn’t told them something vital about him. 

It felt a little bit too close to lying for comfort. A bit too close to - a bit too close to other things about himself he kept hidden. 

“Dad wants a hand with some stuff while he’s home,” he answered, having practiced this falsehood for this very occasion. 

“Oh,” Gansey said. “I thought he was leaving today?” 

“He was,” Ronan agreed. “But he decided this morning to stay a while longer.” 

“That’s nice,” Gansey said. “You must be pleased.” 

“Yeah,” Ronan said. 

There was a beat of silence. This was why Ronan didn’t like talking on phones. He didn’t mind silences in person, that was just part of sharing your company with other people, but if you paused for a millisecond too long on the phone it was translated into an awkward silence. That wasn’t something that was supposed to happen with his best fucking friend. 

“I took notes for you,” Gansey said. “And I think Parrish did too in the class you two share.” 

“Why?” Ronan snorted. “It’s not like I’ll read them.” 

“Just say thanks, Lynch,” Gansey reprimanded him, laughter just behind his words. “When will you be back? We were going to go check out that interesting clearing after school, but we’ll hold back until you can come.” 

Niall hadn’t said how long he was staying. How long he wanted to spend with Ronan refining his dreams. Not that they were doing that right now. Niall had been on the phone in one of the barns opposite the house since he’d told Ronan that he was keeping him home from school for a bit. Ronan had been helping his mum bake. He wasn’t sure what they were baking for, but so far they’d made four pies, a batch of croissants (his ones were a little wonky), scones, two loaves of bread (pumpernickel and sourdough), and a huge batch of apple cinnamon muffins. 

“I’m not sure,” Ronan said, wiped an itchy spot on his face, flour brushing everywhere. “Until we’re done, I guess.” 

“Hm.” Gansey did not sound very enthused. “Well, wha- oh, hang on. What was that Parrish?” 

His voice became muffled, and Ronan could perfectly picture him pressing his phone to the front of his school jumper the way he always did. However, if Gansey kept talking to him right now, he was going to ask a question which Ronan wouldn’t be able to directly answer, and that would upset the both of them. 

He waited until Gansey unmuffled, and then spoke before Gansey could. 

“I gotta go, man,” he said, scratching at his chin which was somehow still floury. “I’ll let you know when I’m coming back, okay?” 

“Oh,” Gansey said. “Okay.” 

“Bye,” Ronan said quick. He hovered the phone by his ear anxiously until Gansey said goodbye as well, and then immediately ended the call. 

  
  


-

He and Niall didn’t end up doing any dream study that day after all. Ronan spent the day in the kitchen with Aurora until his brothers got home from school, and then helped them with chores on the farm, played Mario Kart with Matthew, ate dinner, went to bed. 

He couldn’t help but feel that he was… being punished. For what  _ exactly _ he wasn’t sure. For asking questions? For disagreeing with Niall? For wanting to share a family secret? 

His phone buzzed from across the room where he’d plugged it in, and he rolled over in bed a few times before going to check it. 

The text was from Gansey’s number, but it started very obviously not Gansey. 

-hey it’s adam. I know youre gonna be out of school for a bit but i gotta do some cabeswater stuff in the next couple of days and i need your help with it. Will you be able to get away? 

He hesitated over the text for a few long minutes, tapped his foot against the floor, scratched at a bit of spilled ink on his desk. Thumbed out a reply. 

~tomorrow night i could sneak out. U finish work at 12? I’ll pik u up. 

Adam replied almost immediately, he must have been hanging out at Monmouth, probably just to use Gansey’s phone. Good thing Ronan had checked his phone sooner rather than later. 

-ok.


	2. Chapter 2

It was very like Ronan to be late, but, he didn’t tend to be late for this.  _ This _ being helping Adam with his Cabeswater duties. Ronan had  _ always _ turned up right on time, and Adam liked to think it was because Ronan knew how limited Adam’s time was, and how important these duties were. 

He was pretty sure it was actually because Cabeswater was really exciting and interesting and anyone would be on time for it. 

Anyway. Right now, Ronan was late. It was already five past midnight, and Adam had been standing outside the mechanics trying to keep warm while squinting at the road. He wasn’t really sure what was going on with Ronan right now, Gansey hadn’t seemed to have been informed either, there hadn’t  _ really _ been anything to worry anyone. The Lynch’s were odd and took their own holidays as they felt, it was just - 

Gansey had seemed worried after calling Ronan at school. Had been wearing a tight little frown since then. It was probably nothing. Gansey just liked having his friends nearby, and his answers written down, and Adam just - 

Adam just didn’t trust Niall. That was all. He had his own hang ups. It was probably nothing to do with Niall. 

Headlights cut through Adam’s musings, and Aurora’s little green mini pulled into the parking lot, Ronan’s face just visible in the gloom behind the windscreen. 

Adam opened the passenger side, hopped in quickly. He dumped his backpack at his feet and put his seat belt on, shut the door, all before looking at Ronan. 

“You’re late,” he said, or, he said most of this. Then he stopped with the words still sliding out of his mouth because Ronan looked like - 

Ronan looked like hell. 

It had only been a couple of days since they’d seen each other but - but Ronan’s eyes were ringed with dark circles like he’d not slept for a month, his forehead was drawn down in a stiff frown. There were thin scratches leading down from his hands to hide in his sleeves. Even his wild curls seemed subdued and tired. 

“Got held up,” Ronan grunted. “Had to wait for dad to go to bed before I could sneak out.” 

“Damn, Lynch,” Adam said, “if you were sick you shouldn’t have come. I don’t want you getting Cabeswater sick.” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan said, not sounding even a little bit amused even though this was a joke specifically crafted for Ronan’s sense of humour. “I’ve just been --- busy.” 

“Corralling cats?” Adam asked, shifted in his seat a little as Ronan shifted the car into gear and pulled out of the lot. “When Gansey said you were staying home to help your dad out, I figured you were like, helping him shift stuff.” 

“I am,” Ronan said stiffly. “Helping him move shit. Some of it’s a bit… a bit hard to handle. I was stupid with it.” 

“Shouldn’t he get someone qualified to help, then?” Adam persisted, glancing at the speedometer to clarify just how far over the speed limit they already were. “And not his teenage son?” 

“Waste of time and money,” Ronan bebutted. 

“Not a waste of your health and education?” Adam shot back. 

He and Ronan argued all the time. They’d used to argue with real fire in every fight, but now, and for the last handful of months, their fights were for fun. They liked to get into debates, liked to throw words at each other, to scrabble in the dirt together. It was freeing, in a way, because Ronan was someone Adam didn’t feel like his pride took a beating from when he lost in an argument. He didn’t lose his standing anywhere if Ronan took him down several notches, or wiped the metaphorical floor with him. Ronan didn’t think of him as less. 

Occasionally the fights would end up with real fire again, usually due to Ronan overstepping, saying something stupid about Adam’s home, his family. He’d gotten better at it since Adam had moved out, but he was still a dumbass at heart. 

Today it appeared that Adam was the one overstepping. 

“Leave it the fuck alone,” Ronan snapped. “You think my dad would put me in danger? Shut up.” 

At least Ronan hadn’t put emphasis on the ‘ _ my dad _ ’, part. If he had, Adam didn’t think he would have been able to swallow back down the immediate rise of anger, the bitterness that always swelled up when an argument got too heated. 

He did swallow it though, let the stinging pass before speaking again. He breathed slow and careful to even himself out from the inside. The mini always smelled like the ocean, like lemon spray cleaner. Soothing. 

The landscape sped swiftly from grey buildings into dark shapes and empty space in the silence. 

“I need your help with translations,” Adam said. “I tried to do some stuff for them earlier this week and I just couldn’t be sure I was hearing it right.” 

“So you come crawling to my superior Latin knowledge,” Ronan said, voice all sarcastic and somehow already devoid of the dark anger he’d had before. “As always.” 

Adam had a feeling that this  _ might _ be a quote from somewhere? Maybe? But he hadn’t watched a lot of tv that had plot, so. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “Plus I need a hand shifting heavy rocks.” 

“Ah,” Ronan nodded wisely, “and we all know that Gansey’s hands are too soft and pretty to lift rocks.” 

Adam… always asked Ronan to be the one to help him. He had a lot of reasons why, reasons he could tell Gansey. 

Ronan was strong, stronger than Gansey even though Gansey was in the rowing team and hiked for fun. Ronan understood Latin better than any of the rest of them, and Cabeswater communicated solely in metaphors and dead languages. Something about Ronan’s presence seemed to almost calm Cabeswater, to make it more willing to help out. 

The reasons he wouldn’t tell Gansey were reasons which he didn’t even really tell himself. He’d think about them for hours on end, and then he’d quickly bundle the thoughts up and put them in a box and pretend he hadn’t seen them yet. 

It was like this, see; 

Adam was pretty sure Ronan  _ liked _ him. He couldn’t figure it out yet, whether it was a casual attraction or interest, or if it were deeper, meaningful. If Ronan was just trying to work out his sexuality and Adam was an experiment. He knew Ronan watched him a lot, knew Ronan made excuses to sit closer, to stay over, to spend time with each other. 

He wasn’t sure if he - no. 

He knew he found Ronan attractive. That wasn’t hard to work out. He found Ronan stupidly attractive. Heart attack attractive. Eye catching. 

But. He wasn’t sure yet how exactly he felt about it. If he could commit to feelings about it. If he was capable of - 

Anyway. He did know he liked the attention. The idea that he, Adam trailer trash parrish, was worthy of a crush. Was someone that someone as handsome and clever and rich as Ronan could  _ like _ . He wanted to get to be around that feeling. Liked having Ronan to himself so it was louder between them.

It was a little selfish, he knew that, but. He was still working it out. He wouldn’t - if he decided he didn’t want it, he wouldn’t string Ronan on. 

-

They got through the Cabeswater task quickly - much quicker than Adam would have on his own. He was still getting used to taking jobs from a - a sentient forest, but he was getting used to it. 

Today was odd though. Usually while helping Adam out here, Ronan would seem almost awestruck by their surroundings. Would seem at ease and at peace. Like he belonged in it almost. 

Tonight, he was jumping with every crack of a twig, every soft bird call, any flash of movement or rustle. 

It was unsettlingly reminding Adam of himself. 

It particularly reminded him of himself as they were leaving, Ronan almost cheerful now as if chucking rocks about was more fun than strenuous. They were crashing their way through the undergrowth, tripping on outcropping roots, getting snagged on passing thorns. 

Ronan snagged a little more than usual, a tenacious vine dragging him to a halt, yanking his sleeve all the way up to his elbow. 

Adam, when he had lived at home, had often worn long sleeves to hide injuries. Bruises and grazes, cuts that his father had inflicted upon him. He knew the horror of having his sleeves slip, exposing some of the mess of his skin. He saw it now in Ronan’s face as the criss cross of plasters on Ronan’s arm was revealed. 

“Fuck,” Adam said. “What the hell happened?” 

Ronan unhooked himself, dragged his sleeve back down, glared forcefully at Adam. 

“I told you already,” he said, “It’s just shit I was moving.” 

“What were you moving?” Adam retorted hotly, “A wild cat?” 

“Yes,” Ronan said, though he didn’t say it very firmly seeing as it was a lie, ad everyone knew Ronan didn’t think very highly of lies. 

Adam arched his eyebrows, and apparently that was the last straw, because Ronan huffed out an angry noise and lashed out. 

“Just because your dad’s a shit fuck doesn’t mean mine is,” Ronan snapped, “I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not fucking true.” 

Right now Adam definitely did not like Ronan. They had bushwacked their way out into the clearing that they’d parked the mini in, and Adam shook his head once, and headed towards it, circling around to go for the boot. 

They hadn’t locked the car, because who the hell else would be out here, now at almost two in the morning, in the middle of an evasive forest. He yanked the boot open, pulled his bike out, ad began immediately wheeling it away. 

He knew Robert was a piece of shit. He knew not everyone’s fathers were pieces of shit. He knew Ronan was lying about something. He wanted to go the fuck home. 

He got a couple of metres away from the car bike wheels struggling in the long grass, and then Ronan was behind him, foot falls heavy. 

“You’re not walking,” Ronan said. 

“I’ll bike when I get to the road,” Adam said to the dark air in front of him. 

Ronan grabbed onto the back of the bike, held it firm when Adam tried to continue walking it forwards. 

“It’s too far.” He grunted. “You’ve got fucking school tomorrow. Get in the damn car, Parrish.” 

Adam had gone to school on less sleep than this was going to cause. He yanked at his bike again. Ronan didn’t let go. 

“C’mon,” Ronan said, his voice starting to shift from stiff to wheedling. “I’m not - that was stupid of me to fucking say. Just. C’mon, man.” 

He wasn’t going to apologise, Adam knew that. He didn’t think he’d be able to apologise if he were in the same situation. Not right now. 

He turned his bike around. Ronan looked visibly relieved. Sometimes Adam hated his anger. The way it lit up so goddamned fast. The way it left him feeling guilty and burned out. He didn’t want to hurt Ronan. He also didn’t want to talk to Ronan right now. He put his bike back in the boot. Got in the car, pressed his forehead to the window. Ronan drove. 

-

“Come back to school soon,” Adam mumbled when they got to St Agnes, opened the car door. “I’m sick of taking notes for you.” 

“So don’t fucking take notes,” Ronan said, turned a little in his seat as Adam got out of the car and headed to the boot. “I’ll still be able to beat you when I get back to Latin.” 

“Maybe,” Adam shrugged. “But If you don’t you’ll whine about not having had notes.” 

Ronan shrugged as if to admit that was true. 

“Come up and take them, if you want,” Adam said. Shut the boot, bike out and leaning against his leg. “Put you back on even footing.” 

“Whatever,” Ronan said, snorted, but got out of the car. “I gotta go soon, though.” 

“Yeah,” Adam nodded. “C’mon. I got some other notes for you too.” 

“I’m only going to read the Latin ones, if I read any,” Ronan said.

-

Upstairs Adam shuffled through his work books until he got to the carefully photocopied notes he’d made for Ronan, and Ronan flopped down on Adam’s mattress, boots hanging over the edge. He didn’t shift at all when Adam sat down by his knees, put the paper down beside him too.

“Are you going to sleep?” Adam asked. 

Ronan didn’t reply for a long moment, just long enough that Adam wondered if he had in fact gone to sleep somehow. Then he shifted his head so Adam could see his face, blinked a couple of times. 

“Do you get bad dreams?” Ronan asked. 

Adam blinked back at him, tried for a moment to work out where this was coming from, realised he was too tired for much coherent thought. Shrugged.    
  
“Yeah,” he said, didn’t see the point in lying right now, not with Ronan staring at him like that. “A lot.” 

Ronan nodded, closed his eyes. 

Adam waited a full minute, then nudged Ronan’s hip with the back of his hand. “Uh,” he said. “You having bad dreams?” 

“No,” Ronan lied, eyes still closed. 

People lied all the time, even Ronan lied constantly despite his no lie policy - truth through omission was only barely truth, and Ronan shaved that thin line even thinner constantly. This was just a blatant lie. 

Adam didn’t like it. 

“You should head home,” Adam said. “If you wanna be able to sneak back in without being noticed.” 

Ronan nodded. 

“Or you could stay here,” Adam offered.

Ronan was silent again, as if he were considering it, and then he was sitting up, a liar’s face very firmly on. 

“And be forced to go to school? No thanks. I’ll go.” 

He snatched up the notes, pushed himself upright, and just like that, was gone. 


	3. Chapter 3

His father was waiting for him when he got home. Ronan had parked his mother’s car back where he’d taken it from a few hours ago, made his way through the dark to the house, let himself in, and was sneaking carefully through the shadowed hallways to the staircase when he saw Niall at the bottom of the stairs. 

It was a shock, but it wasn’t a surprise. 

-

The previous night Niall had woken him up in the little hours to begin the dream training. Apparently when the hours stretched weakly like they did now it made dreaming a little easier, a dip in the ocean rather than a wade through a rip. Maybe Niall was right. That waking up and going into an early morning dream was stronger and better than a dream which you drifted in to, but - 

But Ronan’s dreams were usually easy, and light, a few shadows every so often but mostly malleable. These strict ones were not. Ronan was bad at them. Niall said he  _ wasn’t _ bad at them, that he just needed practice, but…

Ronan was definitely bad at them. 

Niall had held that first lesson from two in the morning until nearly noon, and in the first four hours Ronan had brought out spawned hordes of - of monsters. 

Thank God Niall had thought to take them out to a barn, away from the family, close to Niall’s guns. 

Ronan had woken near a dozen times, frozen on the hay littered planks, something dark and sticky, clawing its way over his arms, over his chest, drawing blood in its movements. 

Niall would shoot it down the moment it lept from Ronan’s chest towards Niall instead. 

It seemed almost as if every monster Ronan brought out was the same monster reborn, equipped with all the memories of its previous reicarnations and murders, because after the first six or so times, it stopped leaving Ronan’s chest, like it knew it was safer clinging somewhere Niall wouldn’t shoot. 

It wasn’t safe though, not with Niall standing watch over Ronan. He would rip the creature from Ronan’s exposed neck, would throw it to the ground, shoot it. 

A pile grew. 

Niall expressed the importance of not bringing out every single monster he encountered. 

“You just have to keep your mind focused, don’t let it wander!” He told Ronan fiercely, kicking another creature to join the pile. 

Ronan had tried. But. His mind always wandered when he dreamed. That was the joy of dreaming, he didn’t have to focus, didn’t have to think even. Just exist. And now he had something tangible to fear inside his dream it was even harder to keep his mind steady. 

They hadn’t finished that class happily. Niall had sent him off to bed, and Ronan hadn’t spoken to him since. 

-

“Clearing your head for dreaming?” Niall suggested, his voice light, almost an offering for an easy excuse. 

Ronan shrugged. 

“You didn’t tell your mother you were going out,” Niall said. “She was worried sick when I found you gone.” 

“Sorry,” Ronan said to the floorboards. 

“You shouldn’t have gone out,” Niall said, voice almost sharp now. “You ought to have been resting.” 

This would be as close to a verbal rebuke Ronan would get. He nodded. 

“I want to leave you here safe,” Niall said, stepping forwards to put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder, to steer him back towards the front door Ronan had only just come from. “And to do that you need to learn how to dream safe.” 

-

  
  


There were sandwiches in Ronan’s room when he woke up. Cut into triangles with the crusts cut off like his mum used to do when he was little. His room was dark. 

He had toppled into his bed just after one in the afternoon and now he was pretty sure he was well into the night already. He could feel one of his plasters had come off while he’d slept, it was sticking to his sheet, pressing grossly against his skin. 

His phone burned his eyes with the sudden brightness as he checked the time - just past ten. He still had a few hours then before he had to go back to training. He hadn’t dreamed while he’d slept before, or, if he had he didn’t remember it. He’d fallen deeply and darkly asleep, and there was no evidence in his sheets or his room of bringing back something horrifying. 

He hadn’t made much progress throughout the arduous dream session he and Niall had done earlier. He wasn’t quite sure exactly where they were meant to be progressing, but he supposed it would become obvious once he’d actually fucking progressed. He was still stuck on ground level. Still stuck at running from monsters that crept into his head and then, only about fifty percent of the time now, also out of his head. 

Niall had said something about burning the bodies, Ronan couldn’t remember the finer details, he’d been burned out himself. His  _ brain _ hurt. He didn’t think that should even be a goddamn thing.

He hadn’t seen Orphan Girl - his odd dream companion - during his lessons, and he was… almost thankful for that. She wasn’t a secret from his father, of course, she just wasn’t - she just wasn’t something Ronan had told him. Ronan had a lot of secrets, but for the most part they were ones that Niall knew in and out, and, well. He quite liked having just a few secrets that belonged to him only. 

Orphan Girl, and… Adam. 

-

He still had some time before he had to dream again, so he got out of bed, wincing a little as he had to support his own weight ad his muscles pulled with strain and irritation. Mostly it was just the thin lacerations, none of them dangerous in depth or width, but all stinging and painful, like a hundred angry papercuts. 

He scoffed the sandwiches quickly, gulped the juice that had been left by them, stretched until his back popped an alarming amount of times, and then returned to his phone to the message waiting for him that he had ignored while he’d checked the time. 

It was from Gansey, actually Gansey this time. 

-Adam said you looked tired! Get some rest. 

He scoffed. Technically all he was doing was resting. Or. Well. Sleeping. Sleeping while dreaming was often not very restful, but. He was sleeping, so. He was fine. He didn’t bother replying, it had already been over half a day since Gansey had sent the text. 

Instead he opened chrome, and then the search bar as if he had a purpose, and then paused. What the fuck had he been going to look up? Handy tips for dreamers? Why do I keep bringing disgusting smelling bird monster hybrids to life? Why am I dreaming about monsters???? It wasn’t like this was a common topic. 

Although. 

Perhaps he could get some answers about the dreaming monsters bit. 

The first result informed him that  _ apparently _ dreaming about monsters meant that you were a terrible person and that was your subconscious informing you of that. 

Great. 

He threw his phone at the bed, followed the grumbling of his stomach out of his room and downstairs to the kitchen. He couldn’t tell if anyone else was still awake yet, even though he could see the kitchen light was on while he walked down the stairs. That didn’t mean anything though, Matthew often left it on by mistake. 

A shadow moved across the kitchen doorway as he approached and for a moment he faltered, his heart beating harder in his chest, certain for a full terrifying second that it was one of his monsters escaped and in the kitchen and it had killed Matthew, or his mother, or Declan, or his father without his gun. He was going to walk into carnage!!! 

Then reason took over again and he heard the familiar sound of his mother kneading bread, and he stepped across the hall and into the doorway. 

Aurora turned to look at him as he stepped in, and then she paused, hands still and floury on the ball of dough on the counter. She looked as tired and he felt. 

“Are you hungry?” She asked, breaking the silence Ronan hadn’t realised they’d been holding. “I didn’t think the sandwich would be enough. There’s some dinner in the fridge for you, I can heat it up?” 

“I’ll do it,” Ronan said, “thanks.” 

She nodded, but didn’t resume her kneading, just watched him closely as he crossed the room, opened the fridge, put the container and its contents in the microwave, and moved to the fridge to get a drink. 

“Do I got stuff on my face?” Ronan mumbled, drunk straight from the milk bottle because it was nearly empty anyway and he wanted it all. 

“No,” Aurora said, moved her face into an expression that kind of resembled a reassuring smile. “You’re just fine, honey.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop sorry this took so long and is so short!!!! I have been very busy and as a result I have a fucking cool girlfriend


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW. discussion of self harm

The rest of the week followed the same routine as the last couple of days - sans the trip out with Adam. Ronan would sleep throughout the majority of the day, sweating in the day’s full heat even with his windows open and curtains closed, blankets tossed down to his feet. Niall would wake him in the early hours, hand him something to eat, and walk him out to the shed that now permanently stunk of the acrid ammonia like smell of Ronan’s dreamt monsters. 

Then he would dream. And dream. And dream. 

He had stopped bringing monsters out by the end of the third night, but just because he didn’t whip them out and into being didn’t mean that they had left him alone in his own head. 

He would close his eyes and dream into his dream scape - once a safe haven he had spent years night by night in - and his eyes would immediately dart to the tree line, to the shadows, to the sound of twigs cracking and clouds gathering and claws clicking against stones and - 

When he moved fast enough, quiet enough, he could snatch whatever it was his father sent him for without any of the monsters reaching him. He might climb a tree to pluck the apple that was actually a sponge, look down to the ground and see a monster, but wake up before it could reach him. 

The more tired he got, however, the harder he had to focus, the louder his mind buzzed, the harder it got to get in and out unscathed. He would wade through a jelly like substance on his way to an island popped into existence in the middle of his dream - needing to grab the flag with the Lynch coat of arms emblazoned on it that stood right in the middle of the tiny island. His monsters would be squished onto the island with it. His monsters would be swimming alongside him, teeth and claws scratching at his skin. 

By the end of each night they would grow and grow, both his size and stench and terror. He caught a claw full in the face, woke up with a mouth full of blood and his cheek opened to his teeth. 

Niall had held him until he had unfroze, and then stitched his cheek with materials that must have come from one of his dreams (Because of course Niall only had successful and useful dreams), and within moments the gash had become a day old wound, and then knitted together and scabbed, and then only a little sore, the scab nearly gone. 

He patted Ronan on the cheek, sent him inside to clean up, warned him not to tell his mother, not to worry her. 

-

Monday morning of the second week, Niall didn’t wake him up at his usual time. Instead, Ronan woke with the morning sun creeping into his room, had slept from three in the afternoon on Sunday to six in the morning of the Monday. 

He was about to hop up, to get out of bed quickly, go find his father and apologise for sleeping in, for not getting up by himself at the right time, and then his mother knocked on the door, opened it before Ronan spoke. 

She poked her head around it, smiled softly at him. They’d barely seen each other all week, what with Ronan either sleeping of dreaming or scoffing food down, and it was nice to see her properly again without a shadow of sleep over his eyes. 

“Good morning,” Aurora said. “Well rested?” 

He nodded, swung his legs out of his sheets and over the side of the bed. 

“Is dad mad?” He asked, rubbed at his hair. “I overslept.” 

“He left last night,” Aurora said gently, offered him another smile, this one tighter than the last. “He got some information about a new artifact and said he would resume your studies when he got back. That you should go back to school.” 

This was… a shock. More than a shock.

It felt like a dismissal. Like Ronan wasn’t progressing fast enough and Niall had gotten bored and decided he needed a break from watching Ronan fail and fail and fail over and over again. 

He blinked hard, swallowed. Aurora floated from doorway to inside the room, sat down beside him, wrapped her arm around his waist, and kissed his cheek. 

“Don’t be silly,” she said, as if Ronan had spoken his anxieties aloud. “It’s not about you. But,” she added, “isn’t this good? You can go back to school and see your friends?” 

Ronan nodded. 

“Matthew says they miss you a lot.” 

He nodded again. 

“I know you’ve missed a bit of school now,” Aurora added, “but don’t worry too much about it. You just get some rest and catch up with you friends, okay?” 

-

Ronan only remembered five minutes away from Aglionby that he had turned his phone on a few days ago because Niall had told him it was too much of a distraction, and he turned it back on. 

The car filled with a cacophony of buzzing while his phone slightly over loaded itself with text messages and missed calls. They were all from Gansey. He didn’t open any of them in the car, because, well. He was about to see Gansey now and it would probably be easier to find out what was wrong in person than sifting through a million texts, and also Gansey couldn’t be, like, in huge trouble or anything because Matthew of Declan would have told him if that was the case. 

He was still extremely nervous though, as he got out of the car and began striding off to his and Gansey’s usual haunt. He felt almost desperate to see Gansey, and Adam, and Noah, as if this short time away from them would have stripped him from their memory. 

He all but crashed into Adam, the both of them turning a corner, striding along too quickly to stop in time. Adam caught him, his hands coming up to grab onto Ronan’s upper arms tightly, steadying him easily and pushing him away just a little so they were no longer chest to chest. 

“Ronan,” Adam said, and just that was already such a relief that Ronan could very well have cried. 

The pause here made it very obvious that Adam was resisting the urge to tell Ronan that he looked terrible, to bring up their previous argument about the bruising under his eyes, the visible scratches on his hands, his face. After a long moment he squeezed Ronan’s arms as if he was about to release him - didn’t release him - said; “There’s something wrong with the Ley line.” 

  
  


-

There wasn’t much they could do immediately, Gansey wasn’t willing to skip school today even with his precious hunt on the line. Ronan understood that, he knew Gansey walked a very careful dance to keep his parents happy, his anxiety under check, and his king - and all the answers that that would supply - found. 

So. They attended classes. Gansey filled him in between periods, Adam filled him in in backs of lessons, Noah’s absence was noticeable at lunchtime. 

“Cabeswater itself keeps disappearing,” Gansey finally said once they were all sitting under the shade of a large tree during lunch. Laying the matter bare to its bones. “And seeing as Noah… needs the power of the lines or of Cabeswater to stay corporeal  _ he  _ isn’t able to stay corporeal when Cabeswater can’t either. The problem is is that we don’t know what’s wrong with any of it.” 

Ronan had… a bad feeling that he might actually know a little bit about what was wrong with Cabeswater. 

It was him. Failing. Again. It was his monsters in Cabeswater night after night, tearing the roots up and pouring acid into its very being. How could the line or Cabeswater be safe when Ronan fucked them up every night? It was his fault that Noah was having problems. He had discorporated one of his best fucking friends.  _ Fuck _ . 

“I know,” Gansey said sorrowfully, apparently misreading the guilt on Ronan’s face as horror or shock, or something equally innocent. “But I’m so glad you’re back in town so we can work on it together. I’m so sure we were so close to something before it all went dark.” 

Ronan was the problem, him being here wasn’t going to help at all. Except that while he was here he wasn’t dreaming and flooding the ley line with monsters, so, maybe it would help. Just not in the way Gansey trusted it to. 

-

Ronan stayed at Monmouth that night, Gansey wanted all hands on deck for researching and brainstorming. Ronan knew he also just wanted Ronan to be nearby, in his line of sight. Even Adam had agreed to stay over, a very rare occasion, and Ronan was sure it was only agreed to because it was obvious that Gansey was asking for it for his own sake - and for Cabeswater’s sake.

While Adam and Gansey brainstormed possible reasons why a huge magical force might go dark, why a ghost strengethened by it would disappear, Ronan brainstormed on how he could ‘come out’ to them about being the fucking spanner in the works. 

Niall had been so adamant the previous week about not telling anybody about the dreaming, not even people you loved and trusted. Not telling anyone until they were family in law and love. Ronan certainly didn’t disagree with his father about this, of course not, but he did think that maybe - 

He did maybe think that - 

He didn’t like keeping this a secret from people in his life that felt as much family as the family he had been born into. He didn’t like keeping it a secret from Gansey when he felt -  _ knew - _ that it would help Gansey with his search, help Gansey feel less excluded from the rest of the world due to his ties with magic. He thought it would help Adam too, because, well. Because he knew Adam fucking needed proof that he wasn’t crazy. They had all been in a magical forest, but Adam had told him, quietly, ashamedly, that sometimes he didn’t believe in it. He had seen it for himself, but - but it was still so unreal. 

If Adam could see him dream then maybe he would feel more secure in what he was spending half his already very crammed life on. 

He thought maybe Noah already knew. He didn’t know how Noah would know, he was just Noah. Knowing. 

“You look sick,” Adam said, interrupting Ronan’s spiralling thoughts. “Are you going to help out or do you wanna go to bed?” 

“Do you have a temperature?” Gansey asked, his hand flicking out as if automatically, palm resting on Ronan’s forehead. “You’re a bit clammy.” 

“Jesus,” Ronan groaned, batted Gansey’s hand away. “I’m fucking fine. And I am helping, Parrish, so fuck off.” 

“Oh?” Adam raised his eyebrows. “You’re helping? How, exactly?” 

“I picked the pizza up,” Ronan pointed out, “and Gansey’s propped his book up against my knees. Helping.” 

“Apologies,” Adam drawled. “But you know if you do want to go to bed you can.” 

“Fuck,” Ronan barked, attempting to sound humourous but almost certainly missing his mark by a mile. “You trying to get rid of me, Parrish? You and Gansey have secrets?” 

“Maybe we do,” Adam said, calm, “or maybe you look like you’re an inch from death.” 

“You’re an inch from death,” Ronan retorted cleverly. 

-

Gansey all but ordered him to bed. Had stood up and chivvied Ronan to the bathroom for a shower, and then to bed in the spare room that was really Ronan’s ‘I don’t wanna go home tonight’ room. Ronan thought it would be easier if Gansey just moved his bed in there and have an actual bedroom, but, well. He knew Gansey liked to be in the thick of it all. 

He must have slept, because he woke up who knows how many hours later, the moon shining bright into his room, a figure over his bed. For a half second he thought it was Niall and guilt sank deep into his bones, then he blinked and it was Adam. 

“Gansey’s gone to bed,” Adam said, nudged at Ronan’s arm until he rolled, ungainly, making room on the mattress because apparently Adam was sitting down. “I thought I could share with you.” 

“Noah’s not back,” Ronan pointed out, shoving at the blanket to pull it down for Adam even as he spoke. “You could just sleep there.” 

“Creepy,” Adam remarked, grinned a little when Ronan snorted in reply. 

They both shuffled around a little bit, spreading out to their confines of the bed as if there were invisible barriers between them. 

“How long are you back for?” Adam asked, voice low, quiet enough that if Ronan had been more asleep it would have fuzzed into the background buzz of the dark. 

“I don’t know,” Ronan grumbled, rolled so he could see Adam’s profile, limned in moonlight, shadow everywhere else. “Dad’s on a work trip for a bit.” 

Adam didn’t reply for another long moment, the silence spreading deep and warm on top of them. 

“Gansey’s been scared sick for you, man,” he said, his words weirdly brittle in a way that sounded like lies.

He knew Adam wasn’t lying about this, he could tell simply from the relief in Gansey’s eyes, the way he spoke to him, that he had been worried. But. Adam was definitely lying about something. 

“He had nothing to worry about,” Ronan replied, “I was with my dad. What could have fucking happened?” 

This was a dare, of a sort, baiting Adam into admitting again that he thought that Niall was as bad as Robert. 

Adam didn’t take the bait, just hummed a little in response, turned his head on the pillow so his face was entirely in shadow, just flicks of his hair caught in the waning light. 

“Is he as beat up as you, then?” 

Possibly Adam did take the bait, possibly this was him baiting Ronan back. 

Of course Niall wasn’t covered in scratches and bruises, littered with evidence of his dreaming, Niall knew how to dream. Knew how to be covert. 

“Parrish,” Ronan said, already regretted what he was about to say. “I did this to myself.” 

  
  


Again Adam took a long moment to reply, and when he did his words were knife edged - not sharp towards Ronan, not accusatory, but - somehow dangerous. 

“When you say you did this,” he said, each word slow, “do you mean you physically injured yourself or do you mean you feel like you deserved it because of something you said or did.” 

If the light was on, Ronan was about fifty percent sure Adam wouldn’t have asked this. Adam had asked this though, and it wasn’t something easy to lie about. 

The monsters were part of him. They were an extension of him. They were the physical embodiment of the part of himself that knew he was a bad person, a monster. 

“I physically injured myself,” Ronan told the dark ceiling, kept his breath carefully steady and even. “No one else did this to me.” 

When Adam spoke again, all traces of knife were gone, he was no longer dangerous and on edge, just tired and stressed. 

“Does your mum know?” He asked, soft. 

There was no way his mum hadn’t seen his, hadn’t put together the dreaming and the injuries. She knew this came from Ronan’s head. She knew. He nodded. 

Adam took another long moment, and while they both just breathed, he snuck his hand down between them, under the sheets, and wrapped his fingers around Ronan’s wrist. Close enough to hand holding for Ronan’s heart to try and fucking escape his chest. 

“What do you need us to do?” Adam asked, his voice betraying the awkwardness he obviously felt in saying this, but otherwise sounding sincere. 

Ronan felt like a fraud. This was less lying than he could have done, but it still wasn’t the truth. He was worrying his friends for no reason. Putting stupid narratives in Adam’s head. All because he couldn’t control his own Goddamned mind. 

“Nothing,” he choked out. “Fuck, Parrish. I’m fine. Jesus.” 

He wanted to emphasise just how fine he was by pulling his hand away from Adam’s, but he couldn’t - he couldn’t bring himself to so quickly lose this little piece of warmth. Adam didn’t pull away either, instead, he squeezed Ronan’s wrist lightly, nodded, his hair brushing the pillow. 


	5. Chapter 5

Cabeswater was quieter than usual. Ronan wasn't sure whether this was because it was just him and Adam or because it had been so badly drained due to his dreaming. 

Adam didn’t seem to be wondering about this, he was just sitting there on the bank by the slow moving stream. He seemed lost in thought, but not in his usual determined and stressed way, more like a daydream. It occured to Ronan that he hadn’t actually come here with Adam, that it was a coincidence really that they were both here. Did Adam even know he was here too? 

He crossed the mossy ground, footsteps silent, like all the noise of it was sucked up in the greenery and the quiet of the forest around them, and dropped down to sit next to Adam, thighs pressed together, shoulders nudging. 

Adam looked up in surprise, but didn’t startle, didn’t pull away, just offered a small smile. 

It was only after they had sat there in comfortable silence for a good few minutes, after Adam’s hand had found its way into Ronan’s, that Ronan remembered that he  _ didn’t _ remember coming here. He didn’t remember waking up. 

This wasn’t real. 

This was a dream. 

How had he missed that? When had he stopped knowing when he was dreaming? 

He tugged his hand out of Adam’s, stood up quickly. It was cheating, a lie, to get to be so close with Adam like this when it wasn’t real. 

Dream Adam looked up at him in some confusion, hurt etched into the line between his brows. 

“I’m dreaming,” Ronan said to the dream, shook his head. “I only just realised.” 

“So?” Dream Adam said, shrugged, “So am I.” 

“No,” Ronan said, didn’t know why he was even bothering to argue with a figment of his own imagination. “You don’t get it. This is my dream. You’re in my dream.” 

Dream Adam just looked at him for a long moment, and then shook his head as well. “Okay.” he said, “Your dream, my dream. What does it matter?”

“It matters because you’re not you!” Ronan snapped back, dug his fingers into his hair and pulled until his curls were tugging at his scalp. “So I shouldn’t - I can’t - it’s - fuck.” 

“Of course you’re just as difficult in my dreams as you are in real life,” Dream Adam said with a snort, apparently not grasping the difficulty his being here was causing Ronan. 

Ronan wished Orphan Girl would turn up. He didn’t know how to assure her right now that it was safe, that he was alone. He  _ wasn’t _ alone. 

“Not your dream,” Ronan replied, sharp. 

If this was a dream, and he was upset, then his monsters were more likely than ever to turn up. Even if he had managed to get better at not bringing them out, he still didn’t want to see them attack Adam. Even a dream Adam. 

“Nah,” Dream Adam snorted again, turned away from Ronan for a second. “I’m pretty sure this is my dream. But what does it even matter?” 

“So wake up,” Ronan demanded, “wake up and get out of here.” 

Adam turned to look back at Ronan, frowning. He crossed and uncrossed his arms, scratched lightly at his temple. “You can’t just kick me out of my own dream.” 

Cabeswater wasn’t quiet anymore, though it was hard to tell for just how long it hadn’t been. Undergrowth crunched around them, birds called out warning cries, an uneven ticking scratching noise scuffed out on the stones by the stream. 

He needed Dream Adam to get the fuck out of here. Now. If the monster turned up there was no way Ronan was going to protect himself over any kind of Adam, and he didn’t know how he was going to explain to Adam  _ who was asleep in bed with him _ why he woke up covered in more gashes and covered in monster gunk. 

  
  


-

Adam woke up with a start. Usually when he dreamed about Cabeswater it was a hint from the forest itself that it wanted work done, or that he needed to destress. Usually when he dreamed about Cabeswater with Ronan in it it didn’t involve talking to Ronan. Just sitting there, side by side, hands touching, enjoying the silence of a sleeping world.

So. To be ordered out of his own dream by a very irate Ronan was rare and  _ odd _ and altogether quite disturbing, particularly because the real Ronan was truly by his side, still asleep but not peaceful. His face was screwed up in a painful grimace, and Adam could feel how tense Ronan was holding himself. He remembered the past week when Ronan had asked if Adam got bad dreams, and then evaded the same question thrown back at him. 

This was the answer here, as if Adam needed it clarified. 

Yes. Ronan got bad dreams. Yes. They were fucking bad, bad dreams. 

Maybe that was what his dream had been about, waking him up so he could wake Ronan up. 

He sat up further, pushing off of his elbow and scooting himself back so he could lean a little over Ronan, gripped his shoulder carefully, didn’t want to scare Ronan awake. Whispered his name. 

Ronan twitched, shuddered under Adam’s hands, then grew entirely -horribly- still, as if he had been paralysed by Adam’s touch, petrified. 

The bed was wet. Adam was mostly sue it hadn’t been wet before but it was wet now and it felt like it had been wet for a long time. Not just a little damp, or like a glass of water had spilled, but as if the bed itself had been submerged in the ocean and left there until the mattress had sponged up as much water as possible. It was already streaming onto the floor in a ceaseless rush of noise. Ronan was wet as well, his curls sopping, soaked flat against his face, water dripping down his nose. 

Adam was the only dry thing on the bed and he was quickly losing that status, what with being half under a soggy blanket and surrounded by water ebbing from everywhere. 

Currently he did not have an answer about where the fucking shitting heckity heck all this water had come from, so he put that aside for a moment and focused on the fact that Ronan was still still and stiff beside him. 

He put both his hands to Ronan’s face, then pressed fingertips to Ronan’s throat to check for his pulse, to check for breath, for life.

He found the pulse reasonably quickly, it was quick and hard, as if Ronan had been running. He couldn’t feel Ronan’s breath though.

He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to position Ronan in this circumstance. He looked like he’d been drowned. He was fine and dry a moment ago and now he was lying there like he’d washed up on a beach after a storm. 

Adam wasn’t panicking because that was not going to be useful right now. He instead shifted his weight back and tried to remember what you were supposed to do with someone who had been drowning (the course he’d sat through the year previous hadn’t mentioned anything about drowning in your own bed). Ronan was already on his back, which was good, but he wasn’t showing any signs of consciousness, which was bad. 

He tipped Ronan’s head back to try and clear his airway, dropped his head down so his cheek was directly above Ronan’s mouth, couldn’t feel any breath, couldn’t see his chest rising and falling, nothing. 

“Fuck,” Adam said, because he had been saying it in his head this entire time but it helped a litle bit more when it was said outloud. 

He only had a basic understanding of CPR, and he’d never done it on a real person before. He pinched Ronan’s nose, tipped his head back a little more, and then immediately moved back as Ronan gasped out so violently that if he had included noise it would have been a scream. 

Almost before he had had time to draw breath again he started speaking, burbling really. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, “I was trying to lose it without getting hurt and I thought that could outswim it because it would be weighed down and -” 

“What?” Adam interrupted, because none of this was making sense and Ronan’s eyes were still shut, and was he even fully conscious? 

Ronan’s eyes snapped open, caught sight of Adam, and glowered up at him. Not very successfully because he was still so wet and his curls were still somewhat sweetly plastered to his face. 

“What the hell happened?” Adam asked, his hands going back to Ronan’s chest almost automatically, one hand to his neck to feel his pulse again, the other just resting on his chest as if it needed to be able to feel Ronan’s chest moving up and down. “You were just - I couldn’t wake you and -  _ where  _ did the water come from?” 

Ronan looked at him, his expression somewhat reminiscent of the mutt from the trailer park when she was constipated. 

“I was dreaming about Cabeswater,” Adam offered, “and then I dreamed you were there and you were telling me to get out. And now this. Is it a message from Cabeswater? Is it flooded with something?” 

“How the fuck am I supposed to know?” Ronan snapped, his expression switching to his more favoured  _ fuck off _ look. “I just woke up to you pinching my fucking nose shut.” 

“Yeah,” Adam snapped back, “because you weren’t breathing! And I was scared you had drowned in your sleep!” 

Only now did Ronan really seem to realise that they were sitting in a veritable swamp, and he was indeed the swamp monster. He looked down at the bed around them, peered over the edge of the blankets to the water coated floor. Then he squinted slowly up at Adam, the  _ fuck off _ already gone, a sickened look sitting firmly in replacement. 

“You saw this happen?” He asked. 

Adam nodded, didn’t know how he was supposed to explain exactly what happened because he couldn’t even get that straight in his own head to himself. 

Ronan swore, something dark and convoluted like a particularly angst ridden ballad. 

“Shit,” he said, a dainty little fullstop to the rest of what he had just said. “I thought it was just me that was wet, not - not - fuck. Not every fucking thing!” 

“It’s just you and the bed,” Adam said, not knowing why he felt the need to defend Ronan from the...water?? “But the bed dripped on the floor.” 

“Gansey’s gonna be pissed,” Ronan said, “he likes these floors.” 

“Gansey’ll be less pissed if his floors are ruined with news from Cabeswater,” Adam pointed out, finally removed his hand from Ronan’s chest. “We should go tell him. Try and work out what happened.”

“No,” Ronan said, suddenness apparently startling himself just as much as it had Adam. He had grabbed out for Adam as well, his hand clinging wetly to Adam’s t-shirt. “I - we should clean this up. Let’s not tell him yet. I - we need to think about this first. What if it’s not Cabeswater?” 

If not Cabeswater, Adam couldn’t think what it could be. What it could be that wasn’t going to be  _ bad _ at least. 

“Okay,” he said, “surely that means we should go to Gansey first? He knows more about this kind of weird shit than us.” 

“I doubt he knows anything about this,” Ronan said, solid. 

Adam squinted at him. It was still dark in the room, and even though he was well used to it by now, he couldn’t work out Ronan’s current expression. 

“I think it’s right up the alley of what he knows,” Adam contradicted. “Remember that story he told us about that house he went to where the walls would weep salt water every night? On the top of a mountain?” 

“Adam,” Ronan said, more pleading than anything else. “I promise to you that this isn’t that.” 

If Ronan was able to promise that this was definitely not some unexplained phenomena in Brazil, then it meant that Ronan knew what it was instead. Or at least had a very good idea of what it was. 

Last nights conversation seemed odder now than it had then. Ronan with two large secrets, something that was eating him up in and out. Something that scared him. 

Adam knew a little what that was like. 

“Okay,” he said, lifted his hand to cover Ronan’s where it was still clutched in his shirt. “Okay. We’ll clean it up. What if he wakes up and wants to know what’s happened?” 

“I’ll tell him you pissed the bed?” Ronan suggested, his tone not carrying through the humour he had obviously been trying to inject into the situation. 

“We left the window open and a freak storm passed by?” Adam suggested. “Would he buy that?” 

“He bought an obviously moldy sandwich the other day because it wasn’t the best by date yet, so, I think our chances are pretty good.” 

-

Somehow they managed to pull of the removal of Ronan’s bedding and mattress, the sopping up of what seemed to be half a lake from his room, and the cursing which came along with doing this in the dark  _ without _ waking Gansey up. 

This was probably assisted by the fact that Gansey had apparently gone to sleep with his noise canceling headphones on, his phone still playing a podcast about grass growth. 

They left the mattress propped up in the bathroom tub so it could continue dripping until there was sun for them to leave it in, chucked the bedding in the washing machine, hung the pillows from the shower curtain rail, and grabbed sleeping bags to crash back on Ronan’s newly towel dried floor. 

Ronan didn’t seem very forthcoming, and Adam was far too tired now to push him into an explanation of any sort. Ronan lay with his back to Adam, but his whole body curved towards him, like he needed physical touch but didn’t want to deal with eye contact, being seen, being known. Adam curved himself similarly, pressing his sleeping bagged chest against Ronan’s also very sleeping bagged back, close enough that he could fill the push and pull of Ronan’s breaths. Closed his eyes. 

He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. What his dream had tried to tell him. He was supposed to be Cabeswaters hands and eyes but he was turning away from what he had seen tonight so as to give Ronan space and time because it apparently belonged to  _ him _ . 

Adam’s stomach was certain it belonged equally to Cabeswater and Ronan but stomachs were not always reliable barometers, especially when they were prone to erring to the side of anxiety. 

He didn’t know what to do, and he hated not knowing what to do. Hated it especially when he wanted to desperately to be able to do something because he knew inaction meant someone -  _ Ronan _ \- was going to suffer. 

He didn’t know what to do. 


	6. Chapter 6

Gansey woke them up the following morning, wanting to know why Ronan’s mattress and bedding was taking up the entire bathroom/kitchen. Ronan mumbled something about having set it on fire by mistake and he and Adam in panic had doused everything a little too thoroughly. 

Ronan wasn’t entirely sure whether or not he was pleased Gansey accepted this answer so readily, but at least it made things easier. 

They made plans to go visit the witches after school, Gansey reminded him not to call the witches the witches, or at least not in front of the witches or Blue. School blurred past. 

Adam was being weird. 

Which was to say, Adam was always weird. He was rather good at hiding in sometimes, pretending like he was simply a studious nerd dead set on going to university to go to boring but financial solid study and eventual work, but. But the moment you looked a little closer you could tell he was weird; it was in the way his eyes flicked about, the set of his face, the way you could he thought just so about things before he said them. He was an oddity encased in

a thin wrapping of normalcy, and that had always been one of the things that had drawn Ronan to him. 

But. That was entirely besides the point.

Adam was acting weird in the way that he was treating Ronan. Maybe to an outside eye it wouldn’t be picked up, but - 

But Adam was making a point of walking with Ronan everywhere they went together, side by side, shoulders jostling. Not ducking back to walk behind him or stepping in front of him in crowded hallways, not hanging back to read something or write something. His desk was marginally closer to Ronan’s. At lunch he sat so close he almost sat on Ronan’s fucking lap. 

He was goddamn clingy was what it was, but - 

That wasn’t to say Ronan disliked it. Just. 

Weird. 

Well. Not very weird if Ronan was honest with himself. What he’d told Adam last night had probably set Adam very on edge, especially paired with the fact that he had watched Ronan manifest a flood of water in his sleep. It was a surprise really that Adam hadn’t pressed him for answers about the water, was just leaving it be for now. 

God, Ronan was sick of lying. 

He didn’t want to go see the witches. If he went to see them they might see all the way through him. He had been worried about that happening before but right now with everything right on the very front of his brain he felt like he would be paper thin to them. Calla would touch him and know everything, Persephone and Maura would look at him and just understand how far the lying went. 

He couldn’t really go, could he? 

He couldn’t go. He was going to have to let Gansey down. Adam down. Noah down. Blue down. Sometimes he fucking hated himself. 

“What’s wrong?” Adam mumbled, leaning a little over Ronan’s desk as he spoke, his eyes still on the front of the class, apparently paying attention to the notes their teacher was writing on the board. 

“I’ve gotta go,” Ronan mumbled back, he was already sliding his workbook off his desk (his still unopened workbook), into his bag. “I can’t come to the witch’s place with you guys. I gotta go.” 

“What?” Adam asked, his voice a little less of a mumble now, still low enough to not draw attention. “You’ve gotta go right now?” 

“Yes,” Ronan snapped, not caring very much if he caused attention or not. “Tell Gansey I can’t make it. Later.” 

He left the room, slinging his bag over his shoulder as he went, ignoring his teacher calling after him. 

It was last period so he could go wait outside Matthew’s class room, go back home with him. Or he could head back home now. He was still so stupidly tired. He could head home and sleep and sleep and he knew his mum would let him. She’d probably make him something to eat, too, and stroke his hair if he wanted. 

But. 

If his dad had come home, as unannounced and sudden as his latest departure, then… then he wouldn’t get to rest. He would have to admit his stupid mistake of the previous night. That he almost betrayed the entire Lynch family. 

He wasn’t ready for that. He couldn’t go home either. 

-

  
  


They went to Fox Way without Ronan, even though Gansey seemed somewhat upset about doing so. Blue pretended to be pissed off that Ronan had bunked off, but she couldn’t quite hide her concern about his absence. None of them could. It was the underlying issue here. Cabeswater was fucking up, acting weird, Noah was gone, Ronan was… out of it. Upset. Hurt. 

One one hand, Adam wanted to talk to Gansey and Blue about what Ronan had told him, so they would know and would be able to help Ronan too. So Ronan could be fully supported. On the other hand? He didn’t want to spill Ronan’s secrets. Didn’t want to submit Ronan to being cossetted by Gansey when he knew from first hand experience that sometimes when you’re feeling shit, no number of monetary offers, cheery proposals, or rousing walks would do you any good. 

The Fox Way ladies suggested Cabeswater was under stress from an outside force, and that Ronan was also under stress from an outside force. Persephone seemed convinced that the outside sources were the same, Calla was under the impression that one was a lesser evil, and Maura implied that if they were worried about Ronan they ought to possibly ask him about it. She looked directly at Adam while saying this, which was a little rude because as far as Adam was aware, he was the only one who had asked Ronan and gotten an answer. 

Orla also gave a suggestion, though hers was immediately yelled down by Blue seeing as it was under the lines of sending Ronan to her for some ‘destressing’. 

Maybe what she was really implying was that Adam should tell Gansey and Blue about - 

He wasn’t going to. Not without talking to Ronan again first. Hopefully Ronan came back to school tomorrow. Maybe he could call him on Gansey’s phone and ask? 

He did so, once they’d left Fox Way. Blue was in the front of the Camaro with Gansey because they had plans to go scout the area around where Cabeswater ought to be looking for clues. Adam had been a few nights ago to see if Cabeswater wanted to nudge him in any direction, any rocks that were out of place maybe? He himself had to go to work, so Gansey was dropping him off at the warehouse first, and Adam used the five minutes between Fox Way and work to call Ronan’s phone a good five times to no avail. 

“He barely ever answers,” Gansey said to the car in general, worry tinging the edges of his voice. “No need to worry.” 

-

Work was uneventful, Gansey didn’t try and get hold of him again, Adam’s bones ached. He went home. 

Ronan was sitting against his door, still in his school uniform, though the tie was off and on the floor, and half his buttons were undone. His eyes were shut, his eyebrows drawn down, and he didn’t open his eyes or speak until Adam had climbed the stairs entirely and was standing in front of him. Until he nudged Ronan’s booted foot with his shoe. 

“You didn’t pick up your phone,” Adam said once Ronan opened his eyes. 

Now that Ronan’s eyes were open, they were available for rolling, and that was the only answer Adam got. Ronan stood up, waited to one side of the door while Adam unlocked it and let them both in. 

Inside, he put his stuff away while Ronan dropped his bag and tie and jacket by the doorway and flopped onto the bed as if he were exhausted. 

“I’m going to shower,” Adam said to Ronan’s back. “I’ll be right back.” 

Ronan didn’t respond, so Adam chucked his sweaty t-shirt as Ronan’s head, and disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back out, sweat pants and hoodie on, the t-shirt was still on Ronan’s head, though it looked like he’d begun to remove it and then got bored of doing so halfway through. He was clutching the shirt, had dragged it halfway off his head. 

“Okay,” Adam said, shutting the bathroom door to stop the rest of his tiny flat from getting steamed out. “You alive, Lynch?” 

“More than Noah,” Ronan replied, flung Adam’s shirt at the opposite wall and sat up as if he had just been activated. “How was the meeting?” 

“Confusing,” Adam shrugged, crossed the room to pick up his t-shirt to throw it into the cardboard box he used as a laundry hamper. “They basically said that Cabeswater is stressed, and that Noah won’t be back, or properly back at least, until whatever outside source if mucking up with the ley lines and magical energy is gone, or at the very least, cut down. 

Ronan shut his eyes, his face screwed up in a way like Adam had just insulted him insteading of passing on useful information. 

Adam dropped himself down on the other end of his mattress, shoved Ronan’s feet aside a little to make more room for himself. 

“Where did you go?” He found himself asking, though he had been reasonably sure he wasn’t even going to bother asking. “I thought you were going to go home?” 

Ronan’s little shrug was more worrying than it ought to have been. Adam tried a new tactic.

“You hungry? I’ve got some cash. We could grab something from down the road?” 

Ronan looked skeptical, but this time his shrug was one of acquiescence not of causing worry. Adam knew it wasn’t much, but, from the little research he’d done on depression during science lab while he was meant to be writing up his conclusion, suggested that going out with friends, even for a bite to eat, was very useful, as was small acts of kindness. Adam didn’t think he was capable of large acts of kindness but he could certainly give Ronan small acts. 

They got slices of almost stale pizza, and a great scoop of chips, a can of coke each. Ate them at the park near St Agnes, cajoled each other into climbing trees, raced each other back to Adam’s, and wrestled in the doorway until Ronan looked more like Ronan and less… less. 

-

He was halfway through his Latin essay when it happened. 

After getting back to St Agnes Ronan had showered as well, and then thrown himself down on Adam’s mattress, rolled over so his back was to the room, and shoved his headphones in. Adam had sat at his ramshackle desk and begun his homework. It wasn’t a huge amount of homework but the essay was tripping him up a little, using a lot more of his brain than he wanted to use at quarter to one in the morning. 

Ronan cried out, and when Adam turned around to look, he thrashed, twice, than grew as stiff as a fucking board. 

Was this what a seizure looked like? Was Ronan having some sort of bodily malfunction? He got up from his desk so fast his stool toppled over, clanged painfully on the floor. 

Ronan was still stiff and still when Adam knelt down beside him, didn’t twitch, didn’t appear to be breathing again. All of Adam’s organs felt like they were in his stomach, weighing him down coldly, making him almost nauseous. He pressed his fingers to Ronan’s neck again, found his pulse easily, beating so hard and fast it was like holding a bird. No breathing though. No breathing. 

Was this like last time? Was this something to do with… not with Cabeswater? Was the outside stress the psychics had referred to not Ronan’s father like Adam had thought but actually something magical and sinister? 

“Please,” Adam breathed, voice croaky from the hours of silent study he’d been doing. “Please, Cabeswater, please help.” 

As if in reply, a bird appeared. 

An ugly bird. 

A baby bird. A chick. 

In Ronan’s hands. 

In Ronan’s hands that had been lying folded and empty on his chest. 

A tiny, mostly featherless chick from nowhere in Ronan’s hands, out of nowhere, just here, appeared. 

Ronan was breathing again, Adam wasn’t. 

“Adam,” Ronan said, voice far too scared. “Fuck.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is staying safe and clean!!! I'd like to say that isolation is going to speed up my writing of this fic, but I think that is a lie.


	7. Chapter 7

There were not very many ways you could explain away a baby raven manifesting in your hands in a blink of an eye. Or at least, there were not many ways you could explain this that would satisfy Adam Parrish. 

Ronan couldn’t lie about this. Not this time. Not when Adam had watched the whole thing, now when Adam had sounded so scared while Ronan had been frozen in between manifestation and movement.

He couldn’t lie to Adam about this. 

Or. 

He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. 

The chick in his hands peeped pathetically, Adam was quiet. 

“I can bring things out of my dreams,” Ronan said in a rush, like a sudden storm had broken down the dam in his throat keeping these things at bay. “I can - it’s a - I’ve been able to bring things out of my dreams since I was a child. Probably before. It’s a genetic thing - I don’t know how to explain it - it - it just  _ is _ and I don’t -  _ fuck _ \- Adam, I don’t know why I can do it I just can.” 

Adam still didn’t say anything. His hands were still on Ronan, fingers against his neck, against his chest, holding him. Didn’t say anything. His face was a mask. The sort of mask Ronan saw him put on around their classmates. The sort of mask Ronan saw Adam use when he felt blindsided and disrespected and afraid. 

“Adam,” Ronan tried again, hadn’t meant to sound so weak, was caught by surprise at the crack in his voice. He shifted his grip on the baby bird so he could still cup it carefully against himself but one hand was free to lift up to the hand at his neck. “ _ Please _ .” 

“This is a dream?” Adam asked. He let Ronan hold onto his hand, cling to it, gestured with his free hand at the bird who Ronan was pretty sure had just done a fat dream shit. “So it’s not real?” 

“She’s real,” Ronan said hurriedly. “Anything I - I’ve brought her out of the dream and so now she’s real - though - uh - I don’t know how real they are inside my dreams. They feel real, they -” 

“Ronan,” Adam said, firm but not sharp in his interruption. “One issue at a time.” 

Ronan swallowed. Nodded. Closed his eyes. 

“Is it connected to Cabeswater?” Adam asked. 

“Yes,” Ronan said, eyes still shut because it was just easier this way. “But I’m not sure how.” 

“It’s genetic,” Adam said, “so is your - your father does it too?”” 

Ronan nodded. 

“Does he know how it’s connected to Cabeswater?” 

Niall had never said anything about Cabeswater. Never mentioned a forest. 

“I don’t know,” Ronan admitted. 

Adam was quiet again for a moment, processing, sorting. Ronan knew this, knew it was just how Adam worked, that he needed this time. Knowing this didn’t stop the coldness rising up in his stomach. 

“Do you always bring out… alive things?” Adam asked, slow, still gathering information. “Or can you bring out anything?” 

“Technically,” Ronan mumbled, “technically I can bring out anything. I can’t always do it on demand yet. Or. I can’t make it quite right. Sometimes I bring something out by mistake.” 

“Was this a mistake?” Adam asked, and now Ronan could finally hear the edge of curiousity in Adam’s voice, the need for knowledge more pressing to him han the shock of this all. 

“Yes and no,” Ronan said, cracked one eye open to peer down at the bird nestled in his palm. “I wasn’t planning on bringing anything out but - but I didn’t want to leave her there.” 

Adam nodded in Ronan’s periphery, paused, then reached out to brush gently at the mostly bald head of the chick, to feel her  _ alive _ , quivering, her heartbeat shaking her whole body. Undeniably a real thing in her solidness, her being. 

“You haven’t been helping Niall out with his work, have you,” Adam said, not a question. “You’ve been dreaming with him.” 

There was no point in denying this at this point. 

“He’s been… he’s been giving me lessons. On how to control my dreaming better.”

Adam nodded. He didn’t look very convinced. “And it’s not been going well?” 

This was posed as a question but it still wasn’t. 

Ronan shook his head. He didn’t want to answer this out loud and feel the guilt of it in his mouth.

Adam paused again, let his hand cover Ronan’s like a second shell over the chick. 

“It’s been going badly, then?” Adam asked. “It’s what - it’s why you’ve been… hurt? These lessons.” 

Ronan was too guilty and screwed up feeling to even feel any bite of anger about the insinuation he knew Adam was making that it was Niall’s fault he was hurt. He nodded. 

“And if it’s connected to Cabeswater,” Adam said, “that’s probably why Cabeswater has been overwhelmed. The psychics said it was under stress from an outside source.” 

Ronan closed his eyes again. “Declan does tell me I’m quite stressful.” 

Adam shook his head. “No,” he said. “They said it was from an outside source. You’re not an outside source.” 

  
  


-

  
  


It was one thing to tell Adam in the moment of it all, after Adam had watched him bring a bird straight from his dreams. It was another thing entirely to plan to tell anyone else, to just blurt it out of the blue. It felt more like it was against the rules to actually premeditate telling anyone first. 

Which wasn’t to say he didn’t feel insanely guilty for telling Adam and not Gansey, it just meant that he felt guilty about every single facet of his entire being and following the rules he was used to rather than stepping out. 

Adam didn’t push him to tell anyone else, he just asked if he was going to, and when Ronan couldn’t answer in any more than a screwed up expression, he nodded and moved on. 

“How often did you bring things out of your dreams before your lessons?” He asked instead. “Was it easier before hand?” 

Ronan hadn’t brought things out very often, maybe twice a week, certainly not more than once a night like he had been. And. It had been easier. When he was just floating. Just dreaming. Not looking and searching and trying to be better and better and better. 

  
  


-

“I think Cabeswater will revive itself soon, then,” Adam said, the next morning after they had dressed and eaten and not discussed this oddity of the Lynch’s at all yet this morning. “With your lessons on hold for now, and you not bringing much out, I think it needed a break.” 

“Maybe,” Ronan muttered. “Or maybe I killed it.” 

“It’s more powerful than you,” Adam said, his voice almost teasing. “I doubt you have to worry about that.” 

Ronan was worrying about that anyway. 


	8. Chapter 8

The plan had been to talk to Gansey and Blue together that afternoon. To explain the dreaming with Adam there as back up to verify that he could in fact bring things out of his dreams. Chainsaw - his newly named raven chick - would also work as a verification, but she wasn’t anywhere near as convincing as Adam was. 

Not that he really thought he’d need to convince them. Out of their group Adam was the most cynical, the one who needed proof that the world could be surreal and strange in a way that wasn’t bad. 

  
  


Ronan was supposed to go to school this morning, Adam had agreed he could take Chainsaw to class because he was right he shouldn’t leave a baby bird unsupervised. It was supposed to go just fine. He was doing the right thing. He was. He really was. Right? 

  
  


Niall’s charcoal grey BMW was waiting outside the school gates when Ronan and Adam arrived at school. 

-

“Oh,” Ronan said, his feet has stopped without his say so, scuffing against concrete in their hurry to pause. His hand went to the bag hanging at his side in which Chainsaw was ensconced. 

“Oh?” Adam asked, stopping just ahead of Ronan, glancing first back at him to take in his expression, and then following Ronan’s gaze to the car. “Oh.” 

“I thought he’d be away longer,” Ronan mumbled, was trying desperately to school his face into something that didn’t resemble the horror he could feel twisting his mouth. 

He didn’t want to be upset that his father was back. He didn’t want to feel his insides curdling. He didn’t want his and Adam’s plans to be disrupted, his loyalties torn. It was easier to know he was doing the right thing when there was only one right thing in front of him. 

He wasn’t doing the right thing, was he. 

The BMW driver’s door opened, and Niall’s head appeared, expression apparently genial. 

“Ronan,” he called, beckoned at him with one hand. “C’mere, son.” 

Ronan’s feet still didn’t want to move. Niall had already pulled himself back into the door, trusting that Ronan would do as he was told. 

“Can you take her?” Ronan mumbled, hooked his thumb under the strap of his bag and lifted it a little off his shoulder. “I don’t - I need - Can you take her?” 

Adam didn’t reply verbally, but took the bag carefully, hanging it on his shoulder. 

Ronan managed to make his feet work again, stepped slowly towards the car. He had half expected Adam to peel off away from him, to head into school to find Gansey maybe, but he didn’t. He fell back into step with Ronan again, and followed him to the car. 

The passenger side door opened when he approached, revealing Declan sitting in that seat, and on closer inspection, Matthew in the back seat. Matthew looked perfectly relaxed, sitting on his phone playing a game that was beeping cheerfully. Declan looked tense and pissed off. Niall was smiling widely, only dropping it down a notch when he caught sight of Adam right by Ronan’s shoulder. 

“I wondered why you hadn’t come home last night,” Niall said, smiled now too widely at Adam. “I had thought you would have been with your Richard.” 

Ronan wasn’t sure how he wanted to answer this, so he just shrugged, a little uncomfortable. He knew he was coming off as sullen, but he also didn’t know how to change that. Declan looked overly resigned. Matthew still hadn’t looked up from his phone. Adam’s hand was touching Ronan’s lower back very lightly, hidden from the view of those in the car. 

“I’m calling a home day,” Niall said when no one else spoke. “A Lynch day. Hop in, Ronan.” 

Usually when Niall said to do something, Ronan would already be doing it. There would be no hesitation. No worry.

Adam’s hand on his back felt like an anchor, holding him to the asphalt, keeping him from moving.His gut was rancid lead. 

“We have an important test today, sir,” Adam spoke up, voice level and polite. “Can’t Ronan stay for it? It’s second period.” 

Ronan was not aware of any test, important or otherwise, but that didn’t mean much. Declan raised his eyebrows. That might mean something. 

“I’m sure the school will understand that family is more important than class sometimes,” Niall said, not dropping his jovial tone but speaking very firmly. “Ronan can make it up later.” 

Maybe Ronan should argue here, say he really needed to do this test. That his teacher was strict. Wouldn’t let him re-take it. Wouldn’t understand. 

“Can we go?” Matthew said over the silence in the car, “My phone is nearly flat!” 

Ronan shut the passenger door, opened the back door, cast a look in Adam’s direction that he hoped Adam would take as an apology, and shut himself in with his brothers and father. 

  
  
  


-

  
  


“Ronan’s father is the problem,” Adam announced the moment he was close enough to Gansey in the school hallway for Gansey to be the only one listening. “He’s the reason Cabeswater is fucked up.” 

“What?” Gansey said, pulled his hand out of his locker without picking anything up. “What do you mean? What’s happened?” 

“I can’t explain it right now,” Adam said, feeling his frustration leak out into his words, “but he is the problem, and he’s just picked Ronan and his brothers up to take them home, and I  _ know _ that if Ronan stays there tonight the problem is going to get worse.” 

Gansey just stared at him for a long moment, his face drawn, his eyes worried. Then he nodded. 

“I think we need to go to Cabeswater now,” Adam said, hoping that the fact that he was the one suggesting they skip school for Cabeswater was proof enough that this was important. “And ask it for help. I think it’ll be back enough for us to find it.” 

“Should we get Blue?” Gansey asked, putting the few books he’d retrieved from his locker back inside it. “To help Cabeswater amplify itself?” 

“Yes,” Adam nodded vigorously. “We’ll pick her up on the way.” 

  
  


-

  
  


It was lucky Blue had a habit of being late to school, because it meant that Adam and Gansey just had to drive up and scout around the last few people arriving to spot her. Or, she spotted them first and made a beeline for the car because a bright orange Camaro is not exactly a normal sight at Mountain View High. 

Adam hated picking Blue up from Mountain View, not because it was out of the way, but because he was always horrified with the idea of one his past classmates seeing him here, calling him out for pretending to rise above his station. 

Blue also hated being picked up from school in Gansey’s car, because it was too showy and completely went against her ‘eat the rich’ fashion style. She complained about it a little as she got into the car, but apparently only out of habit. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked, as soon as she’d finished her short tirade, “What’s going on?” 

“I’m not sure,” Gansey admitted, “but from what Adam will tell me it sounds like Cabeswater and Ronan both are in trouble, and we need to go to Cabeswater now.” 

“Right,” Blue said, leaned forwards from the middle back where she was sitting to pull herself further forwards on Adam’s seat. “Adam?” 

“Niall is draining the ley line,” Adam said, “but that’s all I can say right now.” 

Chainsaw took this moment to announce herself to the car with a loud squawk. 

“What the hell?” Gansey exclaimed, not swerving the car, but jumping in his seat a little. “What was that? Did I run over something?” 

“No,” Adam shuffled Ronan’s bag around carefully on his lap, lifted the flap to reveal the very ugly chick. “This is - uh - Ronan asked me to look after her. It’s a baby raven.” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to take my meds today but it did for some reason prompt me to write this chapter so. It evens out.

The car ride was remarkably quiet the entire way back to the Barns. Remarkable because Matthew would usually be chattering away the whole time rather than concentrating intently on his phone like he knew something was wrong. Weird because Declan would usually seize upon the opportunity of Matthew’s silence to ask boring questions about Niall’s work trip, or to tell on Ronan for skipping class, or talking back to a teacher or something. Downright not right because Niall would usually interrupt both Matthew and Declan to start telling some wild story about his trip, or an Irish fable, or to start singing a raucous song. 

There was nothing. Just the sound of Matthew tapping on his phone screen, and even that was muffled by the song of the car engine and the deafening silence surrounding them. 

Ronan half wished he’d brought Chainsaw with him to make some noise, to distract everyone from whatever it was that was apparently so fucking wrong. But. 

Niall hadn’t said Ronan shouldn’t dream outside of his lessons, but. But it felt like it was an unspoken command. Ronan was bad at dreaming. Couldn’t control his dreams. Was unpredictable. Couldn’t be trusted. 

He didn’t want to disappoint his father more than he obviously had, even if he personally thought he’d done a great job on Chainsaw. 

-

When they got back home, Niall sent Declan to go let the cows out into the back field, Matthew inside to help Aurora with lunch, and told Ronan to come with him into the back shed. 

As they passed outside the car, Declan tugged the hem of Ronan’s shirt and shot him a look that Ronan couldn’t decipher as anything but a warning. 

The back shed still smelled of blood. A lingering reminder of Ronan’s failure via shot monsters. Niall shut the door after them, crossed over to the far end of the shed where there was a work bench and a few rickety chairs, and sat down. Ronan followed slowly after, but chose to lean against a side wall rather than sit. 

“You know I hate to say this,” Niall said eventually, holding steady eye contact with Ronan, “but I’m really quite disappointed in you.” 

Ronan had vaguely hoped that hearing these words in person would be less painful than his brain had been making them out to be. He was very wrong. It was like being punched in the mother fucking gut. He swallowed. 

“This past week has been a test for you,” Niall continued on calmly. “I wanted to know if you were taking any of what I’ve been trying to teach you seriously. If you had actually been paying attention.” 

“I have been,” Ronan chipped in here, as fruitless as he knew this would be. He obviously hadn’t been paying enough attention, giving it the weight it deserved, if this was how Niall was talking to him now. 

Niall shook his head, but kept speaking as if Ronan hadn’t interrupted him. 

“I placed a dream tracker on you,” Niall said, as if this was something he expected Ronan already knew. “To keep an eye on how you were handling your dreams.” 

Ronan had no idea how to respond to this. Had no idea what this really meant. Blurted out the first, biggest fear that came to his mind. 

“You saw my dreams?” 

Niall raised his eyebrows at the tone of Ronan’s voice, folded his arms. “I did not see the contents of your dreams, no. Just a record of your control over them. And,” he paused here, the effect far too dramatic for Ronan’s nerves. “A graph of how closely your dreams have intercepted with the world around you. More specifically. With people around you.” 

Ronan swallowed. He still wasn’t entirely sure what all of this meant. He was pleased that it meant that Niall hadn’t seen the insides of his dreams, that was… private. But. He didn’t know  _ what _ Niall had seen. This whole time Niall’s voice had been level and low, so it was a very unwelcome surprise when Niall continued speaking, and this time his voice was raised, his accent far more pronounced in his anger. 

“Didn’t I tell you just recently,” he snapped, “not to tell anybody? That this was for us Lynches only?” 

Ronan pulled his shoulders up, as if he could duck down in between them, as if the simple movement could protect him from the fire in Niall’s voice. 

“You can’t control your gift, or your mouth, and that means you can’t protect them either,” Niall thundered on. “If I can’t trust you to follow a simple rule, how am I meant to trust you outside of the Barns? Outside of where I can protect you? Do you realise how dangerous it could be if the wrong people found out about this? About us? About you?” 

Ronan opened his mouth, because he had something of an idea, but Niall overrode him. 

“You have no idea,” he informed Ronan. “Because you’re only thinking about you, about you right now. Not your future. Not your mother’s life, not Matthew’s life. You are endangering your family when you let your mouth loose and I cannot let you do that.” 

Ronan’s shoulders were not protecting him. 

“I’m taking you out of school,” Niall said, his voice finally returning to a calmer volume. “Your mother will homeschool you again until you learn how to control yourself. Declan and Matthew too. I already talked to the headmaster this morning. Do not expect Declan to be thankful to you.” 

“But he’s almost finished,” Ronan said, quieter than he had intended to. “Why can’t he stay?” 

“Something you ought to have thought of before you shared something that wasn’t yours to share,” Niall said. “It is safer for everyone if none of you leave the Barns unattended.” 

“We can’t leave?” Ronan asked, now louder than he had intended. “What?” 

Niall’s face grew stormy again, and he stood. “You are safe here in the Barns. Not out there. Not yet. You’ve shown that. We will resume lessons again tomorrow. For now, go to your room.” 

Ronan nodded, let his arms fall to his side, closed his eyes as his father approached him patted his shoulder, spoke gently now. 

“This is for the best, Ronan,” he said. “I’m doing this to protect you. To protect all of you. Take it like a Lynch.” 

-

Taking it like a Lynch in this context was definitely supposed to mean that Ronan was supposed to take it with a brave face, to accept it and promise that he would do better, be better. 

Ronan took it in the Lynch way of sidling back into the house and up the stairs and shutting himself in his bedroom, crawling under his bedcovers. 

Niall had told him many times as a child that a Lynch didn’t cry, but maybe at this very moment Ronan didn’t even want to be a Lynch. 

Aurora came in some time after Ronan had buried himself in his blankets. She sat down on his bed next to and rubbed his back through the duvet until he managed to breathe more than sob, and then she spoke very quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, kept rubbing his back. “I’m so sorry, my love.” 

Ronan bit down on another sob, didn’t want to worry her anymore than he already had. 

“I’ll do my best to fix this,” she whispered. “I promise.” 

-

It was late in the day when Adam got back home. He hadn’t thought they’d spent that much time in Cabeswater, but Cabeswater did play tricks with time, and right now with it so weak it had probably slid them further than usual. 

The forest had been solid, probably partially because of Blue’s presence, but it had felt… off. Tired. Like how Ronan had looked. Chainsaw hadn’t liked it. Had cried until Adam slipped her under his jumper and held her cupped to his chest between his shirt and the thin fabric of his jumper. (She had appreciated the grubs he’d picked out from the moss around them that he fed her when they got back out of the forest)

Cabeswater knew all of them, but it had always known Ronan the most. Had always responded to him the best. Now Adam thought he might know why. 

How long had Cabeswater known Ronan? 

When he tried to explain to the misty air around them what he needed from the trees, the leaves had been silent for a few long moments, and then the very air itself seemed to be rustling one word. 

_ Greywaren _

Adam could only hope it was going to be enough. He didn’t know what to do next. Noah was still missing, nothing strong enough to bring him back right now. Ronan was gone. Cabeswater was vague and wrong. 

The three of them that were left agreed to meet tomorrow, to do their own independent research and then brainstorm together about the next move. 

Adam hadn’t known what he was even going to try and look into first, but he got his answer the moment he arrived home. 

Niall’s BMW was in the parking lot of St Agnes. 

This in itself was not entirely odd. This was the church the Lynch family attended. It was odd though, of course. Niall had no reason to be here tonight, not after he’d whisked his sons off home for a Lynch day. 

For a half moment Adam allowed himself to hope that Ronan had foolishly taken his father’s car and snuck back here. Chainsaw would like that a lot. 

Niall was standing at the bottom of the stairs to Adam’s flat. He smiled at Adam. 

Something inside of Adam wanted to stride closer and just… attack Niall. The something was either Cabeswater of Adam’s badly managed rage. Possibly both. 

He didn’t, because Niall was much bigger and heavier than him, because he didn’t want to hurt Chainsaw, because he didn’t want to hurt Ronan. He took a step closer to Niall and stopped a little out of arm’s reach. 

“It’s a nice evening,” Niall said, hands in his jeans pockets, smile casual on his face. “You’ve been out enjoying it?” 

“Working, sir,” Adam said. Couldn’t keep the shortness out of his voice. 

He was still in his school trousers, but he’d taken one of Ronan’s hoodies from Gansey’s backseat and was wearing it over his school jumper and shirt. Chainsaw was in the hoodie pocket, and he put his hand carefully over the small warm lump of her. 

“Of course,” Niall nodded. “You’re a hard worker.” 

Adam nodded as well. 

“You and Ronan,” Niall said, “are a lot closer than I had thought. Aren’t you?” 

Adam shrugged. Who was he to know how close Niall had thought he and Ronan were. 

“And he feels like he can tell you things that maybe he shouldn’t,” Niall continued, still smiling. “Because he trusts you.” 

Adam kept his face as impassive as possible in an effort to keep his rage at least a little contained. 

“But you’re more sensible than him, aren’t you?” Niall said, ducking down a little as if he were trying to get on Adam’s level. “You know that the two of you are destined for very different things. That your lives will separate as soon as you leave this shit hole of a town.”

When Adam didn’t respond to even this, Niall shook his head, laughed lightly. Adam bit his lip. 

“But you’re too sensible to even admit that, aren’t you? Look at you. You know what’s in your best interest, and that’s keeping mum, huh? I admire that. Self preservation. Hell, I wish Ronan had more of that in him -”

“I don’t mean to be rude,” Adam interrupted, very much wishing he felt like he could be much ruder. “But did you need something?” 

Niall looked a little irritated for a moment, as if Adam was ignoring an obvious script, but then straightened himself back out and replaced his actor’s charm. 

“Yes,” he said. “I suppose you’re not one for dillydally. You can’t see my son anymore.” 

Adam wasn’t sure what he had been expecting but he didn’t think it was that. 

“You’re leading him on,” Niall said, “and you know it. I want you to call him, now, and break up with him.” 

Adam definitely hadn’t been expecting that. He might have gaped a little. 

“And yes,” Niall continued, stern suddenly, “I do know the two of you are together. Here’s the deal. I give you this cheque for a thousand dollars, you call Ronan and tell him it’s over, and you forget everything Ronan’s told you and tell no one. Ever.” 

“No,” Adam said. “No. I’m not doing that.” 

“Too low?” Niall said, snorted. “I should have known you would be ambitious for more. Don’t push it, though, I’m not going to offer much more before I shift to threats.” 

Somehow this was less weird to hear. This felt more normal. He shook his head. 

“No, sir,” he said again. “I don’t want any money from you. I’m not doing that.” 

Niall laughed again. Adam still didn’t know exactly what sort of magic Niall might have, how much power he might be able to wield, but right now he could certainly believe it was a lot. 

  
  


-

Aurora had gone back downstairs to put dinner on when his phone rang. It was in his bag which as miraculously by his door. Someone had obviously brought it up for him while he was being told off in the shed. 

He peeled himself out from under his blankets, scrubbed at his cheek for a moment, and then scrambled to retrieve his phone. It was an unknown number, but a Henrietta one, and if Ronan were to hazard a guess, he would say (hope) it was the St Agnes number that Adam had access to. 

“Adam?” He rasped, cleared his throat, tried again. “Adam?” 

“Ronan,” Adam said. He sounded stressed. Angry. 

“Adam,” Ronan said again, like it was the only word he could get out. “I don’t - I didn’t - I -” 

“Ronan,” Adam said again, “listen to me.” 

Ronan shut up. 

“I - we have to break up,” Adam said, cleared his throat. “I’m breaking up with you. I don’t want to see you again.” 

This didn’t make sense. 

This didn’t make sense. 

This didn’t make sense. 

“What?” Ronan asked, voice nothing more than a mumble. 

Adam cleared his throat again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I… I am mendacem -” 

Ronan tried to speak again, but the call cut off suddenly. 

They hadn’t been - they weren’t - they were never dating. Adam would have said if they were dating. Right? Ronan hadn’t fucking missed something as important as that, surely? 

They hadn’t be. So why - ? 

And Adam said he was… mendacem. Lying. He was lying and he had terrible grammar and he didn’t make any sense at all. 

Ronan had no idea what Adam was trying to tell him. There was no sense in it at all apart from the fact that Adam didn’t want him at all. 


	10. Chapter 10

When there came a knock on Ronan’s bedroom door, he wiped his eyes hastily, cleared his throat, and grunted a noise of invitation. He expected it was his father, coming to wipe things over, to tell Ronan some sort of joke to plaster over what had just happened. He expected Niall to come in and pinch his cheek, tease his red lined eyes, and move on. 

It was Declan.

He grimaced at Ronan from the doorway, and then stepped inside the room, shutting the door carefully after himself and walking across the room to sit at the desk, opposite where Ronan was sitting on the edge of his bed. 

Part of Ronan wanted to immediately snap at Declan. To accuse him of coming to jeer at Ronan for getting a bigger taste of their father’s displeasure. He didn’t really think that that was what Declan was coming in for. 

“Dad’s still out,” Declan said, which was surprising because Ronan hadn’t even realised Niall had left the farm. “So I wanted to get to talk to you before he gets back.” 

Ronan didn’t have anything to say in reply to this in Declan’s little offered pause, so Declan continued. 

“This isn’t your fault,” Declan said, this announcement more surprising than the last. “I know he would have told you that this is all your fault, us being pulled out of school, but it isn’t.”

Ronan tried not to gape. His insides were curdling. He wanted to accept Declan’s comfort here, but. But Niall had told him it was his fault, and he knew from his blood out that his father was right. 

“No,” Ronan shook his head. “I was… I was fucking careless. Like you always say I am. This was my fault.” 

“Fuck that,” Declan snapped, half raising from the chair before seemingly thinking better of moving, and sinking back down into his seat. “Sure, you’re a fucking careless loon most of the time, but not about this. You  _ know _ dad takes me on his business trips. I’ve seen him dreaming. I’ve seen you dreaming. You’re not the goddamned careless one.” 

Ronan honestly had no clue how to respond to this. He wanted to defend Niall. He wanted Declan to keep defending him instead. He wanted to stop feeling so guilty about everything. He wanted Adam not to hate him. He swallowed down hard on the lump in his throat that kept reappearing larger and larger. It hurt. 

“I’m not saying this to comfort you,” Declan said, a little rough like he felt like he needed to be a bit mean to get his point across. “I’m saying this because I know what it fucking feels like to be told of like that for something that isn’t your fault. To be punished for it.” 

“I broke the rules!” Ronan snapped back. “I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about the - about us - about me and I did it anyway! I let someone  _ see me dreaming!  _ That’s my fucking fault, Declan.” 

Declan continued to shake his head, his face pinched and tight. “Who did you let see you dream?” he asked. “A stranger? An enemy?” 

Ronan screwed his eyes shut in an attempt to quell the tears swelling in his eyes, felt a couple tears slip out down his face anyway. 

“Adam,” he gritted out. “Twice.” 

He knew Declan didn’t like Adam very much, but he also knew that Declan didn’t dislike Adam. He was pretty sure Declan’s lack of  _ like _ for Adam was simply because Adam had beat him in a short dash race during an Aglionby sports day and it pricked his pride. 

“And do you really think  _ Adam _ is going to tell anyone? Is going to put you in danger? He’s a creepily clever fuck, Parrish is, but he’s - I know you know he wouldn’t do that. You guys, you, him, and Gansey, you’re way too fucking close for that.” 

Ronan tried not to sniff too snottily. He also didn’t think it was any danger at all letting  _ any _ of his friends know this particular family secret, but it was still a - a betrayal to his family. And now with - with Adam… with… He sniffed very snottily. 

Declan eyed him warily, then sighed. 

“Parrish wouldn’t do that, Ronan,” he repeated firmly. “I actually think it’s a good thing he knows. Although I would have expected you to tell Gansey first.”

Declan was saying a lot of surprising things today. But he was also saying a lot of wrong things. 

“It’s not a good thing that Adam knows,” Ronan mumbled. “It’s - I thought he was taking it well but - it was too much.” 

Declan raised his eyebrow. Whether because of how vocal Ronan was being, or in surprise, Ronan didn’t know. Either way it was obvious Declan wanted him to continue. 

“He broke up with me,” Ronan said, voice very small. “Just now. On the fucking phone.” 

It was Declan’s turn to be surprised. His eyes widened just slightly, and it took him a few moments to form a sentence. 

“I didn’t know you two were together,” he said eventually. 

“Neither did I!” Ronan replied, felt again as if he were on the verge of crying. It was so fucking stupid. “I didn’t even know we were dating and now we’re not! He doesn’t - I never even got to  _ tell  _ him that I - fuck.” 

Declan was quiet again, but he looked to be thinking over something almost irritating, his brow furrowed, his eyes downturned. When he spoke again he spoke lowly. 

“How did he sound?” Declan asked. “What did he say?” 

Ronan frowned, wiped angrily at the tears tickling his cheeks. “That he was breaking up with me. That he didn’t want to see me. That he was sorry… and a - a liar.” 

Declan waved his hand for Ronan to continue. 

“He sounded anxious,” Ronan grumbled, “upset. Probably thought I was going to get - to get angry at him. And he just - right after he said it he just hung up. I didn’t get to say - to ask - to -” 

Declan stood up, surveyed Ronan for a moment, and then crossed over to sit next to him on the bed and to put one arm somewhat awkwardly around Ronan’s shoulders. 

“If you two were never together, he didn’t break up with you,” Declan said. 

“Well he fucking did,” Ronan got out, refused to lean into Declan’s half hearted embrace, but didn’t lean away from it either.

“I think you ought to consider that something else may be going on,” Declan suggested slowly. “That when he said he was a liar, he was referring to what he’d just said.” 

“Don’t be stupid,” Ronan muttered. “Shouldn’t you be advocating for me being broken up with him? Dad doesn’t think I should be dating. I thought you’d be fucking pissed.” 

“Well I’m not,” Declan said stiffly, “and besides, you’re nearly eighteen. Dad can’t stop you from dating someone, not without being the biggest hypocrite known to mankind.” 

Ronan wanted to point out that that may in fact be the case, but it felt too close to the rest of his guilt so he kept his mouth shut. 

“Call Gansey,” Declan said. “Tell him everything.” 

“What?” Ronan said, leaned right out of Declan’s arm so he could properly stare at Declan. “The fuck? Do you realise what I just got the fuck in trouble for?” 

“Yes,” Declan said. “For dreaming loud enough that Dad could pick it up. If I were you I’d try to figure out how he did that, too. If you’re not dreaming, he’s not going to know you’ve told anyone. You got unlucky. Call Gansey. I have to go make some calls too.” 

-

Ronan had no idea how long Niall was going to be out for, didn’t even know how long he’d already been out for. He did want to call Gansey. Did want to tell Gansey everything. Did want Gansey to reassure him that he and Ronan were still okay even if he and Adam weren’t. Wanted Gansey to tell him that Declan was right and that Adam definitely wasn’t breaking up with him. 

Most importantly though, he wanted to find the dream tracker first. It had been the first thing on his list when he’d left the shed, but between the shed and his room he’d been sidetracked by his emotions, and then he’d been sidetracked by further emotions with Adam, and now - 

He didn’t know what to expect. The whole idea of it horrified him. He’d been bugged? By his father? And he hadn’t even noticed. Had he done it while Ronan had been practicing dreaming? While he slept? Just in passing? 

Did it  _ just _ record dreams or did it listen in to everything? Had he just heard everything Declan had said? Was Declan about to be told off to hell and back? 

He went to the bathroom, turned the shower on to disguise his intentions, and stood in front of the mirror after stripping, turning and shifting so he could see his body all over, to look for anything off, anything that wasn’t him. He couldn’t see anything. Was it inside him? Had it been in food? Was it all a ruse? Niall had just guessed everything? 

Seeing as he was already naked and the shower was already running, he got in. While he soaped up he ran his fingers over his skin, feeling for bumps that could be something, feeling both like he was in a spy movie and like he was losing his mind. Like he didn’t know what was real anymore. Who was real. 

Nothing. 

His hair was all matted from spending God knows how long under his blankets and pressed into his pillows while he cried, so he began to wash it, scrubbing at his scalp, fingertips catching on something warm and silky just above his nape, hidden under his curls. 

It was stuck to him, like it had been glued to his skin, to his hair. Like it had grown from him, hair follicles growing easily through it. When he tore it off, it pulled a chunk of his hair painfully out. He dropped it, accidentally, and it fell with a soft noise to the bottom of the shower. 

He crouched down next to it to examine it, horror pooling in his stomach, in the back of his throat. The hair he’d pulled out had detached easily from it, was already catching in the drain. 

It was a round patch. Almost gelatinous in look. Semi see through. When he poked it it left an indent that slowly rounded back out, regaining its shape quickly. It had already suctioned itself to the bubbly bottom of the shower. Ronan wondered if he cut it up if it would squidge itself back into shape. If it was alive. If it could be killed. How long it had been attached to him, listening in to him. He wondered if it knew he was crying again. 

He wondered if his mum knew. 

-

“Ronan!” Gansey answered his phone on the first ring. “Oh, I am so glad to hear from you -” 

“Gans,” Ronan said, “Gansey. I can take things out of my dreams. I’ve been able to my whole life. I think I’m what’s wrong with Cabeswater. I think I drained it by dreaming too much. I didn’t mean to. Adam knows already. I can’t come into town for a while, I don’t know how long, but I - tell Blue and Noah?” 

“Ronan,” Gansey said, voice something near shaky, “Ronan, what -?” 

“Please, Gansey,” Ronan tried, couldn’t keep the tremor out of his own voice either. “I fucked up. I’m grounded. Okay? Fuck. I love you. Bye.” 

He hung up. 

He’d thought a lot about how he wanted to tell Gansey about this all, while sitting on the floor of the still running shower, watching the patch. He didn’t know how much time he had, so it had to be quick. He couldn’t get too deep into it because that would take too long. He couldn’t get too deep into it because he’d used up every single fucking tear his body could produce and if he got too into it he was going to explode. He needed to tell Gansey the bare facts and let him explore the rest by himself. 

He wished he’d had the foresight to not hang up before Gansey could reassure him that he did love Ronan too. 

He put his hoodie on, realised he’d left his favourite one in Gansey’s car. Tromped downstairs with the patch in his hoodie pocket. Slipped out the back door, made his way up past the first few fields until he got to the fields on the outskirts of the forests surrounding the barns, to the overgrown well that was out there. 

He dropped the patch into the well, heard the splash of it landing in water about half way down, threw a couple of nearby rocks in as well for good measure, and headed back to the Barns. He could hear the BMW making its way up the driveway. 

-

  
  


Dinner that evening was odd. Niall was acting as if everything was normal and fine, Aurora was not speaking to him at all, Declan took his meal to his room, and Matthew went to bed early saying he had a sore stomach. Niall did not bring up Ronan’s talk with Declan, or with Gansey. Did not bring up Ronan’s rule breaking, disregard for family secrets. Ronan did not bring up Niall’s dream bug which was hopefully not at the bottom of the well being nibbled on by tadpoles or whatever it was that might live in the water down there. Maybe dream pirhanas. 

Niall left to his study straight after dinner, and Ronan helped Aurora with the dishes. She was still very quiet while they rinsed the dishes together, and it wasn’t until they were up to the drying did she speak more than about dishes. 

“He won’t budge about school,” she said, her voice hushed as if she too felt like Niall might be listening in. “But I’m still working on it, sweetheart. I promise.” 

Ronan nodded. He had always thought of his parents as a unit. You tell one of them something and the other one will automatically know it. He wondered know how true that might be for one side of it at least. Did Niall know everything that Aurora said? Had he bugged her too? Was the house bugged? 

“I haven’t looked after you three as well as I should have,” Aurora whispered, and only then did Ronan see the tears sliding silently down her face. “But I’m beginning to see where I’ve failed.” 

This felt… almost worse than his conversation with his father. His mother was always calm and serene. He had only ever seen her cry over some sad movies, over the death of her favourite cow. This was different.

“Mama,” he whispered. “No, no, you haven’t - why would you - you’re the best mother-” 

“Darling,” Aurora smiled at him through misted eyes, patted his cheek lightly. “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. It’s my job to worry, alright?” 

Ronan didn’t see why more people couldn’t have the same job. He frowned. 

“I’m going to keep trying,” Aurora said firmly, “I’m not going to keep you cooped up here. You need to be free. A home isn’t a home if you have no choice about staying.” 

-

  
  


Niall didn’t bring up the dreaming again for a good few days.    
Days which Ronan spent distracting himself from everything by playing video games, and the bagpipes, and running around the farm. Niall had taken his phone away that first evening, after Ronan had finished with the dishes he had gone upstairs and Niall had followed and said it was for his own good. Apparently it was in his best interest not to have any contact with his best fucking friends. 

He had felt guilty about being mad at his father for everything else so far, but this one he felt like he could be pissed off about, so he was pissed off about it. 

He hadn’t dreamed since his grounding. Partly on purpose. He was reasonably certain that the thing he’d found under his hair was the only one of them, and he continued to check every shower he had, paranoia, itching under his fingernails. But. He also just. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want to drain Cabeswater, didn’t want to drain Noah, didn’t want to see his dream Adam in Cabeswater. So.

He kept himself awake until his eyelids were shutting without his say so, and then he would wake early with an alarm, get out of bed before his brain had time to whisk him away into a quick dream. 

On the sixth day, Niall knocked on his door just after eight at night and told him to come down to their dreaming shed. He seemed… agitated. Ronan hadn’t seen much of him the past week, had been avoiding him as much as possible, so he didn’t know if this was how Niall had been all week or if it was a new thing. 

Either way, he put a jumper on and headed downstairs with his father, slipping on Declan’s crocs at the doorway and following him out into the night to the shed. 

Inside the shed, he seemed even more agitated, grumpy almost. This was where Niall came to dream as well, and usually whenever Ronan came in here there were stacks of trinkets and oddities straight from Niall’s mind to reality. Currently the stacks were the same as the last time Ronan had been in here for his telling off. It still smelled of blood. 

“Tonight’s lesson is about refining,” Niall said, the moment Ronan had shut the door behind him. “And speed. I just want a pen. A normal pen. Go in. Grab the pen. Go out. You don’t even need to open your eyes. While you’re in.” 

Ronan could probably do that. He did have a problem with grabbing ‘normal’ things. He would probably grab a few dud pens first. Pens that squirted ink. Pens that wrote with ketchup. Pens that exploded when you clicked them. He should stop thinking about how he could go wrong with them, otherwise he was going to get all of the mistakes he had just thought up now and more. 

“Okay,” he muttered, moved to go sit on the wooden chair they had designated as the dreaming chair. 

“One pen,” Niall warned. “Don’t linger.” 

  
  


Falling asleep when he wanted to  _ sleep _ was always an arduous task, sometimes he just couldn’t for hours and hours, would only sleep with dawn creeping around the hills surrounding the Barns. For  _ dreaming _ however, it was like his brain thought of it as a completely different thing. He could throw himself right into a dream more often than not. Maybe it wasn’t even sleep he was in when he went straight to a dream. Paralysis? 

He sat. He shut his eyes. He threw himself.

He hit a wall. 

He couldn’t - 

There was no - 

He opened his eyes and he was surrounded by darkness and nothing and - 

He couldn’t - 

He opened his eyes and he was back in the shed on the chair, and Niall was pacing in front of him. 

“No pen,” Niall said terse. 

“I couldn’t get in,” Ronan replied, confused. “I couldn’t - it was like I was being blocked - like -” 

A sudden horror struck him; had Niall shut him off from dreaming? Had he dreamed up a new device to stop Ronan from dreaming? Was this the next step of his punishment? No dreaming until he learned respect and self control?

“Fuck,” Niall swore, low and vehement. “Try again.” 

Ronan frowned. Had Niall dreamed a device to modify Ronan’s dreaming? Keep it controlled? And it was backfiring? 

He shut his eyes and tried to throw himself into the dream again.    
The lack of  _ anything _ hit him like a physical pain.    
It was like the time he’d run into an electrical fence at a farm they’d visited. There were no electrical fences at the Barns because the animals were mostly dream animals and knew how to be contained and not to wander off, and so Ronan hadn’t even known they existed. He had gone to hop over the fence, had held on with both hands, and been all but thrown off of it.    
It was a shock, physically and mentally. 

He opened his eyes. No pen. 

Niall swore again. 

“Try again,” he repeated. 

Ronan tried. 

Niall swore. 

Ronan tried. 

He wasn’t getting anywhere. He wasn’t getting in. He was definitely not bringing out a pen. 

“What have you done?” Niall asked after the tenth time Ronan had been all but thrown out of his own mind. “You’re blocking it.” 

“I’m not,” Ronan snarled back, too tired, and sore, and confused to rein himself back. “I’m trying my fucking hardest.” 

Niall looked sour, but he shook his head and stepped away. “There’s something wrong,” he said, voice low and angry. “Let us hope and pray to God that this is only confined to this area due to some… glitch.” 

Ronan bit his lip. 

“Ordinarily,” Niall continued, “I would suggest the two of us go to so other strong spots in the country to see if we can fix this blockage, but right now with your… disobedience and lack of regard for what we’re doing, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

Ronan had never been invited travelling with Niall. He had been hoping and wishing to be his whole life. To have this suggested as an option that was definitely not going to happen was painful even while he was angry with his father. 

“I’ll leave tomorrow night,” Niall said, not even really talking to Ronan until he fixed their gaze together and shook his head. “And you’re still grounded. You’re not to leave the grounds of the Barns. I will put security measures up.” 

-

Ronan went back to his room. 

He tried to dream. 

He could not dream. 

He tried to sleep. 

He tried to sleep. 

He lay awake and worried and worried. 

He did not dream. 


	11. Chapter 11

Niall decided to take Declan with him. Ronan didn’t get to hear any of the plans from Niall, his father was very much obviously avoiding him, but Declan did come to tell him that they would be out of Virginia itself for at least a week. Niall had some more business to attend to at the same time as tring to fix his and Ronan’s dreaming.

Ronan’s dreaming was very much broken. He hadn’t been able to at all since he had tried with his father. It had been a few days now, and he had tried nightly to no avail. His sleep was dreamless. 

On one hand this almost felt a little bit like a blessing. His dreams had been so fraught lately that dreaming had been feeling more and more stressful, something to fear almost. Without having to worry about the contents of his dreams being able to cause actual physical damage, sleeping itself was easier. Which wasn’t to say it was without nightmares. 

He felt almost as if nightmares were now his new normal. He had never been free of nightmares in his life, but they had never been so frequent as they were now. He had an active imagination is what his mother told him as explanation. He could imagine and dream up so many beautiful things, and on the converse, so many horrible things as well. 

So. It was nice to be free, for a while, of claws and teeth, but it felt…  _ he _ felt hollow. Wrong. Like something was wrong with his very being. Marrow sucked out. 

Maybe that should be attributed to the tense atmosphere of the house instead of the lack of dreaming. The sullen fights his parents had been having, up until the last day of Niall preparing to leave all their fights had been quiet, but now, an hour before Niall was planned to drive away, they were having their first ever loud fight. Or at least, the first fight Ronan had personally heard. He no longer knew how accurately he could guess about how often his parents fought. 

It was late afternoon, and Ronan had been in his room, strumming his bass with his earphones on, lying flat on his back staring at the ceiling and pretending like he didn’t wish he had his phone so he could call Gansey or Adam or Noah or Blue. He didn’t realise there was yelling until Matthew slipped into his room, face crumpled and wavery, sat on his bed. 

Ronan pulled his earphones off to ask Matthew what the matter was, but then heard the problem very clearly himself. Niall’s voice carried clearly through the walls between Ronan’s room and the master bedroom. 

“It’s okay, buddy,” Ronan mumbled, shoved his bass aside on the bed and held his arm out to Matthew. 

Matthew scooted over on the mattress to tuck himself under Ronan’s arm, as much as he could at least. Matthew was the youngest but he was growing up to quite possibly be the tallest, and it felt a lot less like Ronan was sheltering his younger brother, and more like he was sheltering a small mountain. Matthew pressed his head down against Ronan’s shoulder, sniffed a little. 

“They’ve been arguing for ages,” he whispered, “and I don’t know what to do.” 

“Neither,” Ronan admitted. “Maybe we could make a distraction? I could light a fire in a back shed?” 

He had meant it mostly as a joke, something light to make Matthew giggle, to get rid of the gloom Matthew was emanating, but Matthew shook his head ferociously. 

“No,” he said, “no. I don’t want dad getting mad at you. He’s already so mad. It’s not fair. I don’t want - I don’t want you to get into trouble, Ronan!” 

“Okay, okay, Matty,” Ronan said, squeezed Matthew’s shoulders tighter. “I won’t, okay? Are you okay? Is dad mad at you?” 

Matthew shook his head again.

“No,” he said, “I don’t think he even knows I’m here.” 

“Don’t be silly,” Ronan said, “of course he knows you’re here. He’s just - he’s just been preoccupied -” 

“It’s better that he ignores you right now,” Declan said from the doorway. Matthew had left it open behind him. “He’s mad at everyone right now, Matty. You’re like a little sneaky fairy, slipping under his radar. Very clever.” 

Matthew sniffled again, Ronan shot a look at Declan that was half glare half imploring. Declan came to sit on the bed on the other side of Matthew, wrapped his arm around Matthew to, his hand resting on Ronan’s shoulder. 

“I don’t want them to be fighting anymore,” Matthew said, wiped his eyes on Ronan’s shoulder, and then tilted his head to wipe his nose against Declan’s sleeve. “I don’t like mum being sad.” 

“I know,” Declan said. “Neither do I.” 

“But mum says that I don’t need to worry,” Matthew continued, a little waily, “and then she tweaked my nose.” 

“So if mum said not to worry,” Declan said, “why are you still worrying?” 

Matthew huffed, wiped his nose against Declan’s sleeve again. “I’m not a kid anymore,” he grumbled, “I know she’s not happy.” 

Declan looked… overly upset by this statement. Ronan squeezed Matthew again, squeezing Declan’s arm a little in the process. He opened his mouth to attempt to say something else comforting, but was interrupted by a loud thud from the direction of their arguing parents, and then thudding footsteps in the hallway and down the stairs. 

Matthew squeaked loudly, Ronan pulled his arm free from his brothers, and stepped quickly from his room, leaving Declan to be on Matthew duty. 

His parent’s bedroom door was open, so he stepped in through the doorway to see his mother standing by the window, by a first shaped hole in the wall. Splinters and paint chips by her feet. Her face was calm and emotionless, but he could see her throat working as if she was swallowing down tears. 

“Mum?” Ronan asked, voice barely over a whisper. “Are you okay?” 

She blinked a few times, like she had only just registered that he was standing there, and turned slowly and jerkily to face him. Smiled at him, her smile like a badly fitted mask. 

“I’m fine, darling,” she said. “Don’t you worry.” 

-

Declan and Niall left a few hours later without Niall coming inside again, without Ronan even seeing his father again. 

Barely ten minutes after the BMW had sped off, Aurora was in Ronan’s bedroom, a determined look on her face. 

“Pack your bags, darling,” she said. “I’m taking you back to school. Would you prefer to stay in the dorms or with your lovely Gansey?” 

Ronan blinked somewhat owlishly up at her. 

“Gansey’s?” 

“Alright,” Aurora nodded. “Pack whatever you think you need. I’m not sure how long you’ll have to be gone for, but pack anything you want, alright? I’ve got to go tell Matthew.” 

With that, Aurora whisked herself back out of the door, and Ronan heard in the hallway, knocking on Matthew’s door and then letting herself in. 

He wanted to follow her out into the hallway and into Matthew’s room to ask for more information, but she seemed in a hurry, and her haste was contagious. He stumbled off of his bed and grabbed his school bag off of the floor where it had been sitting in the corner of his room since he’d been home. It still had all his school stuff in it, so he left all of its contents there, and just chucked in a couple of jerseys, some underwear, his headphones. He put his bass back in its case. If he needed anything else he probably already had it at Gansey’s, or he could just replace it. He took his meager luggage out into the hallway, and poked his head into Matthew’s room. 

He and Aurora were both packing his bags, Aurora packing his school supplies, Matthew filling another bag with extraneous things, hair ties, a bag of sweets, a whistle. 

“I’m packed,” Ronan said, and Aurora glanced up from packing to shoot him a quick smile. “Should I put it in the car?” 

“No,” Aurora said, “we’ll take it all down at the same time. Quicker that way.” 

Speed really was of essence. 

They put Matthew and Ronan’s bags in the trunk of Aurora’s little car, Matthew in the backseat, Ronan in the front with their mother. She didn’t have any cars. 

“You haven’t packed,” Ronan pointed out as she started the car up and sped down their driveway with uncharacteristic speed. 

“Someone has to stay here and look after the animals,” she said, shot him a quick smile, put her foot down harder on the pedal. “And anyway, I can’t exactly go to school!” 

“Neither can we!” Ronan pointed out, glanced back at Matthew who was busy pulling his arms inside his jumper. “Dad pulled us out!” 

“I’ve called Aglionby,” Aurora said, still speeding up as they hurtled around and down the drive. “Cleared up the mistake. Don’t worry, sweetheart. It’s all sorted.” 

Before Ronan could say anything else, he realised that they’d reached the gate at the bottom of the drive, and Aurora hadn’t slowed at all. There was no time to slow. They were going to crash through the gate - 

“Mum!” Ronan cried out, a second too late. 

They drove straight through the gate as if it wasn’t there, the only indication that they’d passed through anything a small shiver down Ronan’s spine. 

“What?” Ronan gasped, scrambling in his seat to look out over the backseat. The gate was still there. Firm. “What just happened?” 

“I got Declan to text me after they left,” Aurora said, far too calm, slowing down easily before they reached the main road. “To tell me how to leave. I’m glad that worked.” 

Ronan had no idea how to respond to that. He didn’t need to, Aurora spoke again. 

“I won’t be able to get the same speed going back up,” she said, “so I won’t return until later tonight so your dad won’t be notified. He won’t know you’re gone until at least midnight, alright?” 

Ronan still had no idea how to respond. 

“He will call me when he gets notified of the breach.” Aurora continued. “And I hope I’ll be able to tell him that you’re still at home. If I can’t, I’ll let you know, alright?” 

“Alright,” Ronan said, “but mum -” 

“But you’re to stay with Gansey, alright?” Aurora interrupted him. “You stay with Gansey, and you go to school, and you never go anywhere by yourself and if your dad comes to get you? Don’t go with him.” 

“Mum,” Ronan tried again, “what -” 

“He’s not treating you right,” she spoke over him. “None of you. And I can’t stop it when I’m there. So you have to be out here. You’re safer out here.” 

Ronan hadn’t been scared while he’d been home. He’d been angry, and upset, and hurt, and very, very guilty, but he hadn’t been scared. He was scared now. 

“Promise me?” Aurora said, glanced over her shoulder at Matthew who was absolutely paying attention now, his eyes glued to Aurora’s face in the rear-view mirror. “Darlings? Stay at school with your friends. If dad comes for you? Don’t go with him. You can do that, right Matty?” 

Matthew nodded. 

“Good boys,” Aurora said. 

-

She dropped Matthew off at Aglionby first. The two of them walked him into his dorm, unpacked some of his things. She kissed him goodbye, hugged him goodbye, kissed him again. They left via the office, Aurora nodding to the secretary there before handing over what looked suspiciously like a large amount of cash. They went back to her car. 

“What about Declan?” Ronan asked, “He’s stuck with dad.” 

For a long moment Aurora didn’t answer. She turned the car on, shifted gears, drove out of the carpark. 

“Mum?” Ronan asked again once they had stopped at a set of lights. “What about Dec-” 

She turned to look at him, and again she had tears rolling down her face. “I know,” she said. “I couldn’t stop that either. I’m sorry, love.” 

“What,” Ronan shook his head. “Why? Is he in danger? Is he going to be hurt?” 

“No more than usual,” Aurora murmured, already looking back out the windscreen. “I couldn’t carry all three of you at once,” she added, sounding almost as if she was talking to herself. “But I’ll go back in to get him out too, I promise.” 

Everything was sounding more and more drastic. Like there was a raging fire and Ronan couldn’t see it. Like Niall had murdered someone. Like Ronan had ruined everything just as he had suspected. 

Gansey’s Camaro wasn’t in the parking lot of Monmouth when they arrived, and as much as Ronan desperately wanted to see him, he was glad of it. He needed to be alone for a while. Wanted to get to say goodbye to his mother properly without an audience. 

Outside of the car, his bag and bass by his feet, she held him tightly in her arms for a long time, her curls tickling her face. He didn’t pull away until she squeezed him once last time and released him. 

“Matthew is going to be just fine,” Aurora said firmly. “And so will Declan. But you, my darling? You need to know that not everything your dad has told you is true. His lies will hurt you more than anything else can right now.” 

Ronan shook his head mutely, let his mother kiss his forehead, watched her drive off. He took his gear upstairs, let himself into the factory. Dropped his shit near the doorway, wandered through the house to check that no one was there. He was alone. He lay down on Gansey’s unkempt looking bed, tugging at the blankets until he was covered by Gansey’s thick duvet. 

He had broken something intrinsic to the wellbeing of his family. He had caused his parents who had never in Ronan’s memory argued in more than inside voices, to have a yelling argument. For his father who usually treated Aurora as if she were made of glass, to punch in the wall beside her. For his calm, sweet mother to sound panicked and scared. 

If Niall had told him lies, Ronan didn’t know which they were. He knew Niall was a liar. Everyone knew it. He lied constantly. In stories, hyperbolic, in circumstances, unbelievable. It was part of who he was. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the sound of Niall yelling earlier that day. The echo of it down the hallway. His anger was as loud as the rest of him, and he was a very loud man. The anger he had shouldn’t have been directed at Aurora. It was unfair that his mum had gotten the fall out of anger that was directed at Ronan. It was unfair Matthew felt sad and scared because of Ronan fucking up. It was unfair that Declan was off with Niall right now when he didn’t even want to go. Ronan ought to be out there with his father. If Niall was going to be angry, if Niall was going to have one of his sons, it ought to be Ronan. Declan was too sensible for Niall, had more dreams in life than Ronan did. 

Aurora ought to have chosen Ronan to sacrifice. To save last. 

He still didn’t know what she was saving them from. 

Everything was confusing. 

He wanted to throw up. To scream. He wiped his eyes on Gansey’s duvet, and closed his eyes instead. He didn’t want to be here. On this Godforsaken earth. If he wasn’t here none of this shit would have happened. 

Niall might like Matthew and Declan more if there wasn’t a Ronan in the middle. Fuck. 

-

He hadn’t meant to fall to sleep. Had meant to lie there wallowing in his misery for a while longer, but - 

But he’d fallen into a dream. 

An actual dream. A real dream. Into Cabeswater. 

There wasn’t any time to feel relieved that he could dream again. No time to be surprised. He could hear claws clicking in the forest around him. He could hear the noises of his dreamed monsters calling for him. 

He’d managed to dream again, but this was just another nightmare. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D

After so many days of dreaming without consequence, Ronan had forgotten how easy it was for dreams to turn truly bad. 

That was a lie. 

How could he forget that? He hadn’t. He had pressed the memory away. 

His dreams turned bad so quickly. Like milk left in the sun. Not even the pain was a surprise, even with his break from it. It was normal. It was routine. He had no control over his dreaming. He had no control over his life.

Orphan Girl was there. Yelling at him. Telling him to wake up. To stop it. To remember what he wanted. 

He didn’t know what he wanted, but he did know he didn’t want to get blood on Gansey’s bed. 

  
  


-

  
  


Adam was halfway home from the factory when Blue caught up to him, biking somewhat frantically over to him. He pumped his hand breaks, put his foot down to stop, winced a little at the ground shock caused by stopping too quickly, waited on the side of the road for blue to get to his side. 

While she was still a metre or so away, she spoke, panting a little. 

“Ronan’s back,” she said, began skidding to a stop. “He’s at Monmouth. Gansey called. Said he’s not doing okay. He asked me to grab big plasters and you.” 

Adam wondered if Gansey had called St Agnes first, or if he had known that Adam wouldn’t be home, or if he had just wanted to call Blue first. He wished that wasn’t his first thought. His second thought was simply pure horror. Maybe those thoughts rolled in together.

What had happened to Ronan? Had Cabeswater not been able to help? Everything had felt useless the last week or so, nothing they had done had seemed to have any effect. Had they made it worse? 

Was Ronan -

Would Ronan even want to see him? After what he’d been forced to tell him on the phone? No. He hadn’t been forced. He had been coerced, but he had still done it hadn’t he. He had made that choice. Just thinking back to it made him feel sick to his core. 

“Adam,” Blue said, “Adam, come on. We’ve got to go.” 

He blinked, shook his head. Nodded. Wheeled his bike back around the other way. 

“Sorry,” he muttered, “let’s go.” 

-

No one was in the main room when they arrived, but the sounds coming from the bathroom/kitchen/hellsite made it obvious where they were. 

Blue shucked her jacket as they hurried across the building, yanking large strips of bandages from the large embroidered pockets before tossing the jacket to the floor. Adam trailed behind her. 

He didn’t want to trail, he wanted to get in there right now. To see Ronan. To find out what was wrong. To help. He felt desperate to the point of feeling almost feral. Stupid. There was blood on Gansey’s sheets. A little on the floor. 

Blue opened the bathroom door. 

Ronan was sitting in the tub, knees up, head back against the wall, Gansey kneeling in front of the tub, wringing out a washcloth. Wringing out blood from the washcloth. 

Ronan’s eyes had been closed, but he opened them now and looked at them, and there was no way Adam could hide behind Blue seeing as she was a good foot shorter than him. 

“Oh good, you two are here,” Gansey said, not looking up from Ronan, “Blue, did you bring the bandages?” 

“Yes,” Blue said, stepping away from Adam and handing the strips to Gansey. “What happened? Ronan?” 

Despite the fact that Blue was the one speaking, Ronan was staring straight at Adam, face bleak. He shrugged. Adam looked away, scanning the room for something he could do to help which didn’t involve seeing Ronan look disappointed to see him. 

“Is this from - um - from your dreaming?” Blue asked, dropping down to squat next to Gansey. “Adam said that it could be physical.” 

Ronan shut his eyes. Nodded. 

“The cuts aren’t as bad as all the blood makes it seem,” Gansey murmured, still gently wiping at Ronans chest, his sides. Adam couldn’t see the damage from where he was standing and he wasn’t sure he could stand to see it right now. “They’re quite shallow, just long and wide.” 

Blue nodded. “Do you have any cream? Ointment?” 

“Under the sink,” Adam replied, finally seeing something he could do. “I’ll grab it.” 

“Do we all have to be in here?” Ronan grumbled, speaking for the first time. “I’m not a goddamned exhibition.” 

“Jesus,” Blue groaned, pushed herself back upright using the edge of the tub as leverage. “You’re welcome for the bandages, Lynch. I’ll be outside.” 

Adam hesitated, grabbed the ointment from under the sink, placed it next to Gansey, and the fled after Blue, shutting the door carefully behind them. 

“Why aren’t you still in there?” Blue asked, stomping over to the couch and dropping herself backwards over the arm. “I’m sure you’re not counted as a spectator.” 

“Pretty sure he only wants Gansey,” Adam mumbled, following Blue more sedately to the couch, and then slumping against the wall instead. “It’s nothing against you, Blue.” 

Blue shrugged extravagantly upside down, and then frowned at Adam, the effect enhanced by the angle. 

“Nothing against me? But something against you?” 

Adam shrugged, crossed his arms, uncrossed them, wrapped them around himself and clung tightly. 

“Has something else happened?” Blue asked, kicking off the floor so she slid further onto the couch and sat up, her legs still over the arm of it. 

Adam shook his head. He hadn’t told Gansey or Blue about Niall’s visit. He hadn’t told anyone. He didn’t think it would matter at this point. All it would do was make him look weak and selfish. Which he was, but. He didn’t need his friends to see it even clearer than they already did. 

“I should go,” he said to the floor. “Chainsaw’s at mind and - and it’s her dinner time.” 

“Bring her back here?” Blue suggested. “I’m sure Ronan would like to see her.” 

Adam was pretty sure he would. Just not with Adam. 

“I have an early start tomorrow,” he mumbled. Couldn’t make himself look up at Blue. “So I’ll just stay at home, but if - but if anyone needs me. Just. Um. Call the church. I’ll come back.” 

Blue frowned, her whole face tight, but she nodded. 

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” 

Adam nodded. He wasn’t sure yet if they would, but it was easier to nod. He hadn’t taken his shoes off, or his jacket. He didn’t have a helmet and his bike wasn’t locked, so he just left. 

He cycled home as night truly fell over Henrietta, street lights flickering on around him, a high wind picking up behind him. Leaves blustered along the road with him, behind his eyes, in his veins. 

-

Chainsaw knew something was up. She had been mucking about on the windowsill by Adam’s bed, shredding the cardboard box Adam had left for her. It had been full of food, but she’d eaten all of that, as well as placing one large piece on his pillow. As soon as he stepped inside, and shut the door, she began calling loudly for him, scrabbling her way down the windowsill, and stomping her way across the floor. A little like Blue. 

She always did this to some extent when he got home, but today she was much louder about it, kept on squawking when he scooped her up and held her up to his cheek. 

“I know, I know,” he mumbled, “you wanna see your dad, huh?” 

She croaked out a noise which always sounded startlingly like she was attempting to say ‘Adam’, nipped at his nostril. 

“Food first,” Adam agreed, “and then I’ve got some homework to do. But then I’ll play with you. Okay?” 

If this was a normal bird he would feel stupid talking to her as if she could understand him and respond, but. This was not a normal bird. Which was already evident by how big she was, how much she’d grown. She was far too big to have grown naturally. 

Coming from Ronan’s brain seem to have imbued her with a similar personality to him, rambunctious, strong willed, prone to grumpiness, and very clever. 

Also… 

Well. 

Chainsaw really liked him. Whether that was just because he had been there since she had been manifested, or if it was some innate dream part of her because  _ Ronan _ dreamed her - 

She slept on his pillow next to him, wanted to sit on him whenever he was doing homework, hated to be left while he went to work or school. Wanted to be with him all the time, in the bathroom, the shower, cooking, sleeping. 

Adam didn’t know how much of this was similar to how Ronan felt about him. Especially now. 

Chainsaw croaked loudly again, drawing him out of quickly spiralling thoughts. 

“Right,” he said. “Food.” 

-

Back at Monmouth, and alone in the main room, Blue ordered pizza. She didn’t want to be the stereotypically domestic one getting them food, but, she was hungry, and Ronan and Gansey would probably want food, and it wasn’t as if she was making it for them. Plus she used Gansey’s credit card, which always felt sort of fun, because she was certain his parents didn’t think a magically inclined Henrietta local would be using their money to make overly greasy pizza. 

After it was ordered, the boys were still in the bathroom, so she stripped Gansey’s bloody sheets off of the bed. This was probably more domestic, but honestly, bloody sheets. She chucked them into a pile near the bathroom door, and then threw herself onto Gansey’s bare bed to wait for the boys and the pizza. 

The boys arrived first. 

Gansey opened the door, nearly tripped on the pile of sheets, then kicked them inside the bathroom. 

“Thank you,” he said, “whoever stripped my bed for me.” 

“That would be me,” Blue said from Gansey’s bed. “Adam’s gone home.” 

“Oh,” Gansey said. “Well, thank you, Jane. I appreciate it.” 

“Why’d Parrish leave?” Ronan grunted, appearing from behind Gansey, still tugging a shirt on. 

It was a dark t-shirt, which was definitely a Ronan thing, but it was obviously one of Gansey’s shirts due to the polo collar. Blue was determined not to pick fun at it right now. Gansey stepped aside to let Ronan through. 

“He said he had to go feed Chainsaw,” Blue said, pushing herself up into sitting position. “And that he had an early morning.” 

Ronan didn’t respond. Gansey crossed over the floor to join Blue on the bed, settling down crosslegged on the mattress beside her. 

“That’s a pity,” he said. “It would have been good to have all of us here so we could talk.” 

“Noah’s not here,” Ronan growled, still in the bathroom doorway. 

Unobscured by Gansey or the bathtub, Blue could see his face was scratched up on one side, and he was leaning heavily on his opposite foot. The bandages at his waist, on his chest, were visible through the fabric of the shirt. 

“That’s true,” Gansey acknowledged, nodding. His hand was somehow on Blue’s ankle. “I’m starving. What about you two?” 

“I’ve already ordered pizza,” Blue said quickly, “I got you the meatlovers with extra sausage,” she added to Ronan. 

Ronan grunted, Gansey beamed. 

  
  


They didn’t talk about what was going on, that night. Ronan seemed out of it, Gansey on edge. They ate their pizza, Gansey floated from Blue’s side to Ronan’s side, Ronan barely spoke. His eyes were red rimmed. When it came time for Blue to go home, Gansey offered to drive her, and then hesitated, glancing at Ronan. Ronan shrugged a little. Gansey drove her home. 

-

  
  


On Thursday mornings Adam had an early opening shift at the factory, and an hour between his shift ending and school beginning. He could take his school outfit to the factory with him and change there and arrive early to school, but - 

But he really needed a shower after the factory, he was always a little greasy, a lot sweaty, and there was no way he was purposefully turning up to Aglionby looking like he’d just come from one of his part time jobs. He always cycled home, showered quickly, changed, and then he either power cycled to school or Gansey picked him up. 

This morning was apparently one of the days in which Gansey picked him up, because by the time Adam arrived back at St Agnes on his bike, the orange Camaro was in the parking lot. He couldn’t tell if Ronan was in it too. He knocked on the hood as he went past, hauling his bike up the stairs to his apartment. 

By the time he’d gotten to his front door, one of the car doors had opened and shut, and he was being followed up the stairs. He hadn’t looked behind him, but he knew it was Ronan from his footfalls. He hadn’t said anything in greeting. 

Ronan waited behind him and the bike while Adam unlocked the door, then followed him in, shutting the door behind them. Adam couldn’t look at him. He propped his bike up against the wall. 

“I have to shower,” he said to the wall in front of him.

“So go fucking shower,” Ronan gritted back, voice oddly ungrounded. “I’ll wait.” 

Chainsaw spoke up here, cawing loudly and excitedly from her little sleepy nest on Adam’s pillow. She’d made a little hole in it so she could pull some of the stuffing out, and she liked to put her beak in it when she napped. 

“Oh,” Ronan said, his voice suddenly much softer, much more open. “Hello.” 

This softness, this unguarded Ronan was not for Adam, so he went quickly to the bathroom and shut himself in there. 

He knew he was going to have to face Ronan sooner rather than later. They were friends. All of them were. They couldn’t have this awkwardness hanging over them. Adam had to fix this because he was the one who had broken it. 

He didn’t know what he was going to say. Did he dare tell Ronan that it was Niall who had got him to make the phone call? Maybe he should just try and ignore it. Skate over the situation. He couldn’t do that. He got into the shower. Scrubbed roughly and quickly at his skin, got out. He toweled dry, uselessly awkward over the fact that Ronan was in the next room, extremely thankful that he’d thought to leave his school clothes hanging in the bathroom before he’d left for work. 

By the time he emerged from the bathroom, his hair still a little wet, Ronan was sitting on his bed, Chainsaw in his hands. 

He looked really bad. His eyes were still hollow underneath, and he had prominent scratch marks up his face. He was wearing his school shirt, but it was half undone, and Adam could see the tops of the bandages Gansey had plastered all over Ronan’s chest. Couldn’t see the extent of the damage though. 

Chainsaw jumped a little in Ronan’s hands when Adam opened the door, called out her strange name for him. 

“She’s gotten big,” Ronan said to his hands. 

Adam came to stand by the bed, his very being awkward. 

“Yeah,” he said. “She’s growing much faster than usual. I read up on Ravens.” 

“Of course you did,” Ronan mumbled. The tips of his ears were red. 

Chainsaw was still jumping in his hands, obviously doing her best to hop out of them, and Ronan lowered her to the bed where she immediately scrambled off to skip over to Adam, where she promptly clamped her beak down on his trouser leg. He picked her up. 

“She likes you,” Ronan said. 

Adam nodded. He didn’t know what to say here. Maybe this was where Ronan was going to add on that  _ he _ didn’t like Ronan. 

“About the call,” Adam said, the exact moment Ronan said the same thing. 

Ronan shook his head, waved at Adam. Adam gestured to Ronan to continue. Ronan set his jaw, firm. 

Adam didn’t want to go first. He swallowed hard. He didn’t want to run away from this. From Ronan. He sat down on the mattress next to him, put Chainsaw on his shoulder. 

“I didn’t - you know we weren’t dating,” Adam said to his lap. “So it was a lie for me to say we were breaking up.” 

Ronan didn’t say anything. 

“I couldn’t say anything else,” Adam mumbled, scratched his thigh. Chainsaw jumped down from his shoulder to chase his hand. “I was - I didn’t - it wasn’t my choice -” 

“My dad got you to do it,” Ronan said. “Didn’t he?” 

Adam didn’t know how Ronan knew this. Well. Ronan may very well have guessed. 

“Yes,” Adam mumbled. 

“I’m sorry,” Ronan said, which was completely backwards to what Adam had expected him to say. “I should have known earlier. I only worked it out last night. I - I’m sorry he - I’m sorry he thought that. That you would date me.” 

Adam shook his head. He was angry but he couldn’t work out the exact reason why. He pressed his thumb and forefinger to his forehead, squeezed his eyes shut. 

“I’m not upset with you about it,” Adam said. “I’m more - I’m more angry at myself.” 

Ronan didn’t say anything, but his silence was question enough. 

Adam didn’t even know why he was already saying so much. Because he felt like Ronan deserved a proper explanation. 

“I shouldn’t have given in to him,” Adam mumbled. Chainsaw squawked up at him. “Gansey wouldn’t have had. He knew I was the weak link. That I - that he could use me to hurt you because I’m easier to manipulate.” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan snapped. Adam and Chainsaw jumped a little. “That’s not why he - are you stupid? You sound stupid.” 

Adam frowned at his lap, his hands cradling Chainsaw automatically.

“He only went after you because he knows that I fucking lo- like you,” Ronan snapped, “and that losing you would - he was seperating me from all of you. It wasn’t about - fuck, it wasn’t about your Goddamned character, Parrish. You’re not weak.” 

Adam didn’t agree with this. He closed his eyes. Ronan’s breathing was stuttery, like he’d pulled one of his cuts while talking. 

Adam cleared his throat. Put his foot in his mouth. “If you already know that I didn’t want to say that to you, that I didn’t mean it, why the hell are you mad at me?” 

“I’m not mad at you!” Ronan snapped, groaned, leaned backwards until the back of his head collided with the wall with a soft thud. 

Adam sniffed, hard. Chainsaw was nipping at his calluses on his palm.

“Why did you leave the other day?” Ronan asked, his head still against the wall, his eyes shut, voice dull. “You just left. What am I supposed to think?” 

Adam shook his head. “What did you think?” 

Ronan’s voice was low and venomous, the venom not meant for Adam. “That now you know I  _ like _ you, you can’t stand to be around me. That I disgust you.” 

Adam swallowed. Maybe if he hadn’t been so caught up in feeling like a failure for letting Niall’s threats scare him enough, maybe he would have thought further enough to realise that Ronan would be hurt if Adam avoided him. 

“You were the one who asked us to leave,” Adam retorted, apparently incapable of letting this smooth out easily. “In the bathroom.” 

“Yeah,” Ronan said, snorted unhappily. “Because I was bleeding, and fucked up, and tired, and I couldn’t deal with so many people at once. I didn’t want you to fucking fuck off. I just needed - I couldn’t -” 

Chainsaw chomped on Adam’s finger. Adam felt like he probably deserved that. He freed one of his hands from Chainsaw’s talons and reached out to brush his knuckles against Ronan’s jean thigh. 

“You don’t disgust me,” Adam said, which, now it was out of his mouth, wasn’t as comforting and revealing as he had originally intended it to be. 

Ronan snorted again, laughed sharply. “Great,” he said. “Thanks.” 

“I mean,” Adam struggled, spread his fingers out flat against Ronan’s leg, dug his fingertips in, held on. “Even if I didn’t like you back I still wouldn’t be disgusted. I’d be - I’d be surprised. I still am surprised.” 

Ronan took a moment. He blinked. Stared at his leg where Adam’s hand was. Blinked some more. 

“It took me awhile,” Adam admitted, felt very weird saying any of this out loud, to anybody that wasn’t his own reflection in the mirror. “To be sure. Of how I felt. Because - because I didn’t want to just go with - what what I thought I felt. And be wrong. And hurt you.” 

Ronan swallowed loudly. 

“And I ended up hurting you anyway. So.” 

“That wasn’t you who hurt me,” Ronan mumbled, eyes still on Adam’s hand, his own hand twitching on the sheet next to his leg. 

“I still said it,” Adam said, “I still chose to say it, rather than - hm.” 

He didn’t want to say. 

“A choice that you’re forced to make isn’t exactly a fucking choice,” Ronan snapped. His eyes looked a little glassy, his eyebrows were crunched down over his eyes. “I don’t - that call isn’t your fault, fuck, Parrish.” 

Adam rubbed his thumb along the outside seam of Ronan’s trousers, his other thumb along Chainsaw’s feathers. Nodded a little. 

Ronan cleared his throat. His hand shifted slowly from the bed to his leg, to covering Adam’s hands, his fingertips curling around Adam’s fingers, clinging on. 

“If I kiss you,” Ronan said, “will you be in - will you be in trouble?” 

Adam cleared his throat as well, closed his eyes. “All I shook on was breaking up with you. On making the call. So I don’t. I don’t know. I don’t care.” 

“Fuck,” Ronan said, “I care.” 

“Jesus, Ronan,” Adam said, opened his eyes, squeezed Ronan’s thigh. “ _ Kiss _ me.” 


	13. Chapter 13

It was one thing to ignore is own desire to kiss Adam, to resist that urge. It was another thing entirely to have Adam ask it of him. Adam, sitting hip to hip with Ronan, Adam with his hand gripping Ronan’s thigh tightly, Adam who even parts of Ronan’s dreams come to life  _ loved _ . Adam asking him to kiss him. 

Niall was yesterday’s news. Ronan’s cuts and scrapes faded into the background. His insecurities continued to babble on, but Adam’s face was much louder in front of him. 

He leaned forwards so he could press his palm to Adam’s cheek, to press his fingers into Adam’s damp curls. Adam closed the distance between them, leaning in close enough that his breath was on Ronan’s lips, paused a millimeter before his lips were also on Ronan’s lips. 

Ronan kissed him. The moment felt as delicate and precious as holding the newly dreamed Chainsaw. 

From downstairs, Gansey honked. Chainsaw grumbled. Adam pressed harder into the kiss, his hands shifting from Ronan’s thigh and the mattress to Ronan’s face, his calluses rough against Ronan’s stubble. 

He pulled away before Ronan was ready for it to be over, and stared him full in the face. If Ronan thought Adam looked dazed, he was reasonably certain that he looked just the same. 

“We have to go,” Adam said, voice low and strange. “Can’t be late for school.” 

“Mm,” Ronan said. He wanted to curl up in Adam’s bed, in Adam’s arms, and sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and ignore everything except for this kiss.

“I want to know what’s been happening,” Adam added, his thumb rubbing slow circles against Ronan’s jaw. “What’s going on now, but I - I need to - can we get school over with first? Are you coming to school?” 

“Yes,” Ronan nodded, closed his eyes for a moment and leaned harder against Adam’s hand. “I need to see Matthew too. Check on him.” 

“Is he okay?” Adam asked, voice strained. When Ronan opened his eyes it was to see Adam looked almost guilty. “I - I guess I forgot that he might be having a hard time too.” 

“He’s… he’s okay,” Ronan mumbled. “Could be better. Should be better.” 

“Mm,” Adam nodded. “Okay. I’ll grab my bag.” 

“I’ll grab Chainsaw,” Ronan replied. 

-

“What took so long?” Gansey asked when Ronan and Adam climbed into the Camaro, Adam jumping into the back, Ronan getting back into shotgun. “Were you two fighting?” 

“No,” Ronan said shortly, lifted his legs and crossed his ankles on the dashboard. “Sorting shit out. C’mon man, step on it or we’ll be late.” 

Gansey grumbled a little under his breath, but coaxed the Pig back into life and pulled them out of the parking lot. 

It took a good four minutes for Gansey to realise that Ronan’s shirt pocket was full of bird. 

“Oh,” he said, hesitated long enough at the now green light for the person behind them to beep. “Is that? You’re really bringing her to school? On your first day back?” 

“Gotta set a precedent,” Ronan mumbled, scratched at a scrape on his face that was already itching with its forming scab. “Make sure they know my time away wasn’t learning fucking manners.” 

“Of course,” Gansey said, not unkindly. He rolled his eyes at Adam in the rearview mirror.

Ronan watched Adam smile back, and felt like his insides were a small warm bun fresh from the oven, which was not something he had ever thought before, and was something he was going to keep to himself. 

“Did Ronan tell you we’re hoping to go to Cabeswater after school gets out, Adam?” Gansey asked then, turning a little in his seat to look over at Adam. “Hopefully with all of us here we might be able to gather enough strength to get Noah back.” 

“Oh,” Adam said, “I think that bit slipped his mind.” 

“Well,” Gansey nodded, seemingly not surprised that Ronan had indeed forgotten to pass this piece of important information along. “That’s the plan. You don’t have work today do you?” 

“Had my only shift this morning,” Adam nodded. “So I’m free to be with you guys for the rest of the day.” 

Ronan caught his eye in the mirror again, and had to look away quickly, pretending to be very invested in Chainsaw crawling up his shirt using her beak as a third claw. 

-

At school nothing was really different. Except that Ronan’s teachers eyed him oddly, as if expecting some sort of huge drama. For the most part they ignored Chainsaw, save for some raised eyebrows and muttered remarks. Ronan didn’t care. 

They had arrived at school school and gone straight to Matthew’s dorm where he was waiting for Ronan. Matthew hugged him tightly, said that he was totally fine it was just that he had missed Ronan seeing as they’d been living together non stop for a couple of weeks and he wasn’t used to not seeing him before bed and when he woke up. He smiled at Adam and Gansey, kissed Chainsaw’s feathery head, and let himself be walked to class by the three of them (four if you count Chainsaw). 

He and Adam had science class together while Gansey was in his politics class just before lunch and it’s the first time they had been alone (apart from their entire science class and teacher) together since their kiss this morning. Ronan felt like his insides were vibrating with anticipation, though for what he wasn’t exactly sure. 

He still jumped when Adam’s hand brushed his under their shared desk, managed to grab onto Adam’s fingers before Adam pulled entirely away, spooked by Ronan’s initial reaction. 

“Surprised me,” Ronan mumbled under his breath, not looking at Adam. 

Adam’s hand relaxed in his, then readjusted so that they were actually holding hands, squeezed Ronan’s fingers. 

That was all they said about it during class, they didn’t say anything when they let go of each others’ hands at the end of class, didn’t say anything as they walked out to meet Gansey and Matthew for lunch, didn’t say anything about the backs of their hands brushing and bumping as they walked side by side down the crowded hallways.

Matthew hugged him again when they met up, and sat down next to him so close that it felt like he was trying to become part of Ronan’s ribs. Adam sat down on his other side, knee pressing against his knee. 

Chainsaw sat on his knee and preened. Gansey sat opposite, his eyebrows raised. Between bites of his camembert and chicken sandwich he spoke. 

“I’m glad to see you and Parrish aren’t fighting today, Lynch.” 

“Why would they fight?” Matthew chimed in, speaking through his mouthful of cheetos, puffing out a little bit of orange dust with each word. “I thought the breakup wasn’t real?” 

Ronan wasn’t sure where Matthew had gotten this information from. Possibly he had simply heard Ronan being dramatic about it to Declan. Possibly he had asked Declan about it. Possibly Niall had said something? 

Adam snorted from Ronan’s other side, “Oh,” he said. “God.” 

“What?” Gansey asked, eyebrows further up than before, disappearing hurriedly into his carefully combed hair. “What? What breakup?” 

Ronan glanced at Adam to try and gauge his reaction. It was difficult to tell seeing as Adam had his mouth full of apple, but, his cheeks were red, and his eyebrows were drawn down. 

“Um,” Ronan mumbled, dropped a piece of ham from his sandwich down onto his lap for Chainsaw. “Uh. Dad. He - he made a fake - a fake call. Pretending to be Adam, and -” 

“Nah,” Adam had swallowed his apple, put his hand out to press against Ronan’s chest to interrupt him. “If we’re gonna admit shit I need to own up for what I did too.” 

“You didn’t do anything,” Ronan grunted, missed Adam’s hand the moment Adam withdrew it to put back in his own lap. “This isn’t your fault.” 

Gansey looked between the two of them, eyes worried. “Will one of you just tell me what happened?” He asked. 

Matthew put his head on Ronan’s shoulder. 

“Not in front of…” Ronan mumbled, darted his eyes to Matthew. “Not yet.” 

“I already know you guys aren’t broken up,” Matthew mumbled right back. “You can’t keep secrets from me.” 

Gansey looked further confused. 

“Okay, fine,” Ronan said. 

Couldn’t exactly tell Gansey that he and Adam were dating when he and Adam hadn’t had that discussion yet. Hell. They’d kissed and held hands. Sure Ronan felt like he already knew he wanted to be with Adam for the rest of his fucking likfe, that he loved Adam, but - but he didn’t know what Adam wanted. 

“Adam and I didn’t break up,” Ronan decided on, said it firmly. “And we’ll tell you the rest later, Gansey.” 

Adam nodded. His cheeks were still very pink, his eyes downcast. He looked… unhappy. 

-

“I’m sorry,” Gansey said, once he and Ronan were back in class, Adam off at his weights class. “I’m not sure what is going on between you and Adam, but I obviously - I obviously put my foot in it.” 

Ronan shook his head, allowed Chainsaw to tear a page clear out of his textbook. “Not your fault,” he said. “It’s - I - I don’t know what to say yet. How to say - it’s -” 

“It’s okay,” Gansey said, though his face didn’t look like he was entirely telling the truth. A Gansey sort of truth instead, where everything is fine even if you personally are not. 

“It’s just,” Ronan stuggled, “there’s a lot - and I don’t know how - Gans - I’m so fucking upset about every fucking thing except for  _ Parrish _ and I don’t know how to deal with it.” 

Gansey nodded. 

-

School let out, Ronan went to check that Matthew was safely ensconced back in his dorm, playing animal crossing with his friends, and then he, Gansey, and Adam drove back to Monmouth. Once there, Ronan went to put Chainsaw down for a nap in his bedroom, and Gansey went right back out to go pick Blue up. Ronan was reasonably certain this was somewhat contrived so as to give him and Adam some time to talk. 

He wasn’t sure how to begin this conversation, but, he apparently didn’t need to begin it, because the moment he stepped back out of his room, Chainsaw spread out like a mop on his pillow, Adam spoke. 

He was leaning against the back of the couch, his backpack at his feet, arms crossed, staring at his feet. 

“Do you want us to be a secret?” Adam asked. “You don’t want Gansey to know?” 

Ronan choked on his own spit, coughed loudly, pushed himself away from his door towards Adam, and all but slammed into him, knocking him sideways with his hip. 

“Don’t be a shit head,” Ronan said. “I didn’t - I thought we should fucking like, actually confirm wih each other that we’re dating before we tell people!” 

“Oh,” Adam said. He was still looking down at his shoes, but Ronan could see that his ears as well as his cheeks were very, very pink. “I didn’t - right. I just… assumed… well. Y’know.” 

“What?” Ronan demanded, poked Adam in the side. 

Adam yelped, finally looked up to glare at Ronan, not cruelly. Poked him back. “I thought we were all in. I know that’s how you work, Lynch. I wouldn’t have - I took so long to be able to - to be able to kiss you in the first place because I know it’s all or nothing for you. I assumed you knew we were, y’know.  _ Boyfriends _ .” 

If it wasn’t so thrilling to hear, Ronan might have teased Adam for whispering the last word. As it was, he bit his lip, hooked his hand around Adam’s waist, and pulled him in tightly against him. 

“Fuck,” he said. “Jesus.” 

“Hmf,” Adam said against Ronan’s shoulder, blinked hard against Ronan’s neck. “If you wanna tell Gansey and Blue,” he said, voice still a little muffled against Ronan. “I wanna tell ‘em too. I don’t - I don’t want us to be a secret from them, but if you need - if that’s - I don’t -” 

“I wanna tell them,” Ronan said quickly. “As soon as they get back. Oh - okay what if they get here, and we’re just, like, making out on the couch?” 

“Lynch,” Adam snorted, “if you wanna make out, you could just ask.” 


	14. Chapter 14

By the time Gansey and Blue had arrived back, Adam and Ronan had managed to discuss, a little, about what they wanted. It had been very awkward. As much as Adam wanted to be able to be clear and upfront about his feelings, and what he - what he  _ needed _ , it was another thing entirely to be able to say any of this.    
It was hard enough saying aloud to Ronan that he wanted their friends to know that they were boyfriends, to  _ say _ just that they were boyfriends, let alone to even consider saying that he wanted to constantly be holding Ronan’s hand. 

He wasn’t embarrassed about the fact that he wanted to be holding hands with a guy, or with Ronan, and he wouldn’t have been embarrassed about it at all if Ronan had asked him to, it was more that he - 

He didn’t want to ask because it felt a little bit too much like asking for - for comfort? He wasn’t sure. 

“Noah probably already knows,” Ronan pointed out when the Camaro pulled into Monmouth’s parking lot. “So we could just tell these two now rather than leaving it until we’re doing spooky ghost summoning.” 

“I doubt Noah would appreciate you calling it that,” Adam pointed back in return, but nodded.

“And,” Ronan hesitated here. He wasn’t next to Adam, rather, he was standing across the room from him by the window standing like a spector staring out of the glass at Blue and Gansey. “Will you - will you tell them. About dad. And. About. That he - that it wasn’t - that he threatened you.” 

This question was delivered so jerkily it didn’t even sound like a question, but it still made adam’s stomach cold and achy. He shrugged. Nodded. He didn’t really want to tell Ronan what it was that had convinced him to assist Niall in distancing Ronan from all his friends, but - 

But. 

“You two ready to leave?” Gansey called as he swung the front door open, “Because we - oh. Why do the both of you look like that?” 

Adam hadn’t been aware that he or Ronan were looking any particular type of way, and he frowned. Ronan also frowned, left the window, and came to hover behind Adam who was sitting at Gansey’s desk. Blue came in after Gansey and raised her eyebrows at them. 

“Seconding Gansey,” she said. “Did something happen?”    
  


“We kissed,” Adam blurted out, the words leaving his mouth without permission or editing, and he had to fight against himself to not slap his hand over his mouth with the shock of it. 

Blue and Gansey looked as if they were struggling with similar predicaments. 

“Uh,” Adam hurried, didn’t dare glance up at Ronan to see if his face was as bright red as Adam’s felt. “I mean. We did. But - I meant to say that we’re dating. That - I was just - it just happened. Today. This morning.” 

“Geez,” Ronan grumbled, thankfully not sounding peeved, more amused than anything. “And I thought you were going to be the sensible one about it. We may as well have just been making out.” 

Adam shot a quick, half hearted glare up at him, and was somewhat relieved to see that Ronan was indeed very red faced. 

“Well,” Blue said, pushed her way into the room past Gansey and flopped onto the couch. “That was not what I was expecting to hear this afternoon.” 

“If it just happened this morning,” Gansey said slowly, still in the doorway, “than why did Matthew mention a break up?” 

Adam ducked his head. Ronan’s hand had been propping himself up against the back of the chair, his knuckles brushing against Adam’s shoulderblades, but he shifted his weight now, let his hand slip down to rest palm flat against Adam’s nape, warm and solid. 

“Niall thought we were dating before we were dating,” Adam said to his knees. “And he - he came to see me. After we got back from Cabeswater. And he… made me call Ronan. And say that I was breaking up with him.” 

“What?” Gansey’s whole face was crinkled, his head tilted a little to one side. “Why?” 

Adam shook his head. That didn’t feel like that was for him to say. 

“But if you weren’t dating,” Blue said, “then I don’t understand why - Ronan, you would have known something wasn’t right?” 

Ronan snorted. “Sure,” he grunted. “Like I knew how everything else wrong was wrong as well.” 

Blue pursed her lips, not annoyed, but obviously with more to say. Gansey spoke again. 

“Why didn’t you tell us, Adam?” he asked, sounding almost hurt. “I spoke to Ronan that evening - I could have - I don’t know. Been able to help. Or to help you.” 

Unbidden tears were prickling in the corners of Adam’s eyes, so he kept his head down, tried to keep his voice even. 

“I didn’t want to. I was… ashamed.” 

That was already too much to admit. 

“Ashamed?” Gansey sounded further surprised, more like he was doing his best to sound comforting but possibly coming off a little plummy. He was better at comfort at a one on one level than in a group. “Of being seen as… as gay? But you’re coming out now?” 

“No,” Adam bit out, cleared his throat, left the fact that he wasn’t just  _ gay _ for later.    
“I was ashamed because I did it so Niall wouldn’t get me expelled from Aglionby. He said he’d pull some strings and get me kicked out, get me fired at Boyds too. Because he knows I’m only motivated by my own fucking success. And I - it worked.” 

Ronan slide his hand from Adam’s nape to his shoulder, squeezed it hard, the wordless comfort Adam couldn’t even bring himself to ask for. 

“I would have taken that deal too,” Blue said, loud. “If I was going to a school I had worked my goddamn ass for. If I had a job I was as good at as you are at Boyds. Adam, you weren’t even  _ with _ Ronan when you did this, that’s not - that’s not a shitty thing for you to have done.” 

“It feels fucking shitty,” Adam said, his knees still his audience. “Especially because it wasn’t - it felt more real. Because I wanted - because - he  _ knew _ -” 

“If he thought you were so motivated by success,” Gansey said, “why didn’t he offer you money?” 

Adam waved one hand uselessly. “He did,” he said. “When I told him I wouldn’t take any of it, he - he moved on to. To that.” 

Now Ronan spoke up. 

“There you fucking go then, idiot.” 

Adam winced a little at Ronan’s tone, near a growl. Was reasonably certain the anger behind it wasn’t actually directed at him. 

“Most people would have taken the fucking money,” Ronan continued. “I think  _ you _ should have taken the money. You could be with me and have like, what, a couple of grand? Jesus on a hike, man!” 

Adam shook his head again. Of course they weren’t going to say to his face that they thought he’d acted selfishly. 

“What I think Lynch is trying to say,” Gansey said, voice hesitant, “in his trademark brutal way, is that no matter what option you feel you bent under, Adam, none of it puts you in the wrong. You didn’t actually break up with Ronan, you’re  _ with _ him now. Niall is probably very capable of pulling strings to have his threats come true, you chose the best outcome. Except possibly the taking the money one.” 

“Rich bastard,” Blue muttered, possibly about Gansey but probably about Niall.

Adam wanted this to be over now. He knew they had to go to Cabeswater but he - he just needed - he just needed a goddamn moment. 

“We should go to Cabeswater,” he said, shifting his gaze to his feet now. “You guys are filled in about - about what happened. So. Let’s go.” 

“Okay,” Gansey said. “Are you two ready to go, then?” 

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Adam said, stood up, chin still tucked to his chest. “I’ll meet y’all down there.” 

-

Only a little part of him had expected Ronan to be waiting for him to come out of the bathroom, the little bit that still hoped for good things. Thank god that little part of him was right, today. Ronan was leaning against the wall by the bathroom door, Docs on, hoodies on, ankles folded, arms folded, eyes closed. He kept them closed while Adam shut the door behind him, while Adam leaned his shoulder against the wall beside him. Opened them when Adam let his head rest against the wall as well with a soft thud. 

“Good shit?” Ronan asked. 

Adam grimaced at him, kind of wanted to quip back something sarcastic, couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

Ronan pushed away from the wall, then with painstaking intensity, his eyes fixed on Adam’s, he unfolded his arms and held them open in Adam’s direction. Adam would have laughed if he hadn’t wanted this goddamn hug so badly. He pressed himself against Ronan’s chest, pressing his face down against Ronan’s shoulder, clung tightly to the sides of Ronan’s hoodie. Ronan wrapped his arms around Adam’s shoulders, his waist, pulled him tightly closer, pressed his lips to Adam’s forehead. 

“I wish you’d fucking told me this this morning,” Ronan mumbled. “So you wouldn’t have felt so shitty about saying it now.” 

Adam shook his head as much as he could without dislodging his face from the crook of Ronan’s shoulder and neck. 

“I couldn’t,” he said. “It was too - fuck, Lynch - I couldn’t.” 

Ronan didn’t debate that, just held on somehow even tighter, let Adam continue to cling. 

“Anyway,” Adam said, once he was a little more in control of his voice again. “You can’t say that I didn’t hurt you - I - I heard you on the phone. I saw your face the day you came back. When you saw me. I hurt you with the break up, fake or not.” 

Ronan was quiet for a long moment, and then he shrugged the shoulder Adam wasn’t pressed into. 

“Sure,” he said. “I was hurt. I thought I’d fucking missed out on the best thing ever. I didn’t know what was going on. I thought I’d - I thought I was ging crazy. But that wasn’t you. You didn’t make me feel like that.” 

“I called you,” Adam protested, “and I -” 

Ronan interrupted. “My dad made me feel like that,” he said. His throat sounded like it was full of gravel. “He did that even before he made you make that call. It wasn’t -  _ fuck _ Parrish - I was only so goddamn hurt because he’d already fucking stomped me down. I don’t - I can’t.” 

It wasn’t very coherent, but it was convincing. Much more convincing than Adam’s guilt, because Ronan’s tears were always more convincing. Adam could feel them against his forehead, and he pulled back a little. Wished he was as good as giving out comfort as Ronan was. 

“I’m not letting you go again,” Adam said, also wished he could say this sort of stuff without sounding quite as cheesy. “Im not gonna let you get hurt like that again.” 

Ronan rolled his watery eyes, kissed Adam’s mouth, rolled his head forwards until their foreheads were pressed together, and sighed. 

“I’m done with complaining now,” he mumbled. “Let’s go get Noah.” 

-

  
  
  


Cabeswater felt a lot more alive than it had the last time Adam had been here. That had been when they had come to ask Cabeswater to help Ronan. On the way to Cabeswater today, Ronan explained that it had attempted to help by completely shutting its borders and not letting anyone in until Niall had gone.Reasonably successful but still pretty shitty it hadn’t worked to keep Ronan’s dreams from hurting himself. Apparently it had seen Niall as Ronan’s biggest threat, and, well, Adam quite agreed. Pity it hadn’t realised that simply the absence of Niall in Ronan’s physical vicinity didn’t also mean the absence of him in Ronan’s guilty self conscious. 

They were returning to the particular spot of Cabeswater where they had buried Noah’s bones, what felt like just yesterday, but had really been a couple of years now. They had figured, on the drive to Cabeswater, that this would hopefully be the spot Noah would be best found at, the strong connection to him and Cabeswater was strongest just here.

He and Ronan got to hold hands once they got there, though, they also got to hold hands with Gansey and Blue as well. The four of them together hopefully amplified by Blue. 

It took barely even a moment of the four of them circled around the impromptu grave, Ronan mumbling something in Latin, Blue focusing her energy on being energy, Gansey doing his best to be the best Gansey. Adam wasn’t sure what he was there for, not really. Another hand to hold. Noah was standing in the middle of them, a little shaky at first, almost like a bad tv connection, and then solid. 

“That wasn’t very fun,” Noah said, wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “I’ve been so tired.” 

“Sorry,” Ronan said. He broke the hand holding circle to reach out for Noah, (Adam appreciated that it was Blue’s hand he let go of and not his) caught him by the hand and pulled him forwards. “I think that was my fault.” 

“What did you do?” Noah asked, sounding quite amused, allowing himself to be tugged forwards, stumbling a little on the ground and knocking his shoulder against Ronan’s. “Dream up your father? Pretty sure that wasn’t you.” 

Ronan frowned, closed his eyes, let Noah hug him. Blue pressed forwards to join in on the hug, and then Gansey. Adam was also reeled in, not against his will. Ronan’s hand was still holding his, and he could feel Noah’s cold hand pressing their palms together as well. 

“Hah,” Noah said, interrupting the huddle slightly to tug at both Ronan and Adam’s hand. “I’m away for like, a week? And you two immediately hook up? Why couldn’t you save the excitement for me to get back?” 


	15. Chapter 15

Aurora called that night, after they had been all back at Monmouth for a good couple of hours. She called Gansey’s phone because Ronan still didn’t have one. He suspected it was forgotten somewhere in the BMW. He wondered how many missed calls and texts from Gansey it had on it. Probably a few from Matthew as well, he was very likely to have forgotten Ronan didn’t have his phone. 

Gansey had answered the phone, all Gansey like, and then immediately softened the way only Aurora seemed to be able to make him. He almost sounded like the young teenager he was when he spoke to her. 

“It’s your ma,” he said, after exchanging a few words on the phone. He held the phone out to Ronan who was sprawled on the floor wrestling with Noah. 

Ronan immediately detangled himself, Noah letting him go easily, and leapt over the couch to get to Gansey quicker. 

“Mama?” He breathed into the receiver, “Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine, sweet pea,” she replied, all light and sunshine as if nothing had ever gone wrong. “I’m at the Barns, just put the cows away for the night. Are you doing alright?” 

“Mm,” Ronan nodded, ducked his head down, jutted his shoulders up. “Yes, but, ma…” 

“I told him I’d gone out to pick up some more flour, he doesn’t know. Don’t worry.” 

That was a relief, at least.

“And I let the car go down to the bottom of the driveway by itself so he would think I came home,” Aurora added. “I called Matthew just earlier, he seems to be doing alright.” 

“Mm,” Ronan nodded again despite the fact that she couldn’t see this. “Mum…” 

“Are you dreaming again?” Aurora asked, gentle. “Are you safe?” 

“Yes,” Ronan said, let his one word answer pretend to be the answer to both so he could avoid answering the second. “Mum. What’s going to happen now?” 

Aurora was quiet on the other end of the phone for a long moment. 

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I don’t know yet, my love. But I promise you I’m not letting him take you again.” 

Ronan didn’t know how he was supposed to respond to that. On one hand, well, he didn’t want to see Niall, he didn’t want to spend time with him, he was…  _ scared _ of seeing him. But. On the other? That was his father, and he… he loved him, didn’t he? And everything Niall had been doing was for Ronan’s own good, right? For the good of the family? He was the family protector? 

But if Aurora didn’t think so, well. Aurora was… his mum was… if she didn’t think they were safe they weren’t safe. He swallowed down on the lump in his throat. 

“Love,” Aurora said, so soft. “I know. I know it’s hard when you have so much love. That’s not bad, you can still have that love.” 

“Do you?” Ronan asked, hated how his voice cracked. “For him?” 

“Yes,” Aurora sighed. “I think that’s how I”m programmed. But. Sometimes we have to look past the love, don’t we?” 

Ronan sniffed. He nodded. Aurora couldn’t see, but he was pretty sure she knew. 

“I have to go, sweetheart,” she said. “Too long on the phone might tip him off.” 

“Bye mama,” Ronan mumbled. 

“I love you.” 

“Love you too,” Ronan replied, refused to be embarrassed about it, even with all his friends around him. 

He ended the call, handed the phone back to Gansey, turned on heel, and left the room. He shut himself in his room, crawled onto his bed, pulled the blanket up high over his head, buried his face in his arms. 

-

He didn’t know if he wanted it to be Gansey or Adam knocking on the door, a few minutes after he’d buried himself under his blankets and his arms. He didn’t even know if he wanted anyone to be knocking at the door. 

He grunted, a little, because, well. Maybe he didn’t mentally think he wanted anyone, but the rest of him very much wanted a hug. The door opened, shut again quietly, and then Adam’s soft footsteps crossed the room to the bed, and Adam sat down next to him, his hand coming to rest on Ronan’s back over the blankets. 

“Do you want me to get you Gansey?” Adam asked, as if Gansey didn’t already know Ronan was upset. As if Adam didn’t want to be here. 

Ronan wanted Adam here. He didn’t want Adam to leave. 

“You don’t have to be here if you don’t fucking wanna be here,” he replied, grunting it hoarsly into his arms. 

“Don’t be a dick,” Adam said, calm, “I wanna be here.” 

Ronan sniffed, didn’t reply again. 

“What do you want?” Adam asked now, his hand was rubbing slowly up and down Ronan’s back, the blanket bunching a little with the movement. “Do you want me to talk? To just sit here? To - to hug you?” 

“Lie down with me.”

He hoped he’d said it loud enough to be heard out of the blanket because he didn’t want to repeat himself. 

Adam didn’t reply, but he immediately shifted on the bed. There were a couple of light thuds, like He had slipped off his sneakers, and then he was stretching out along the bed beside Ronan, albeit over the covers. 

Ronan sniffed again. 

“ _ With _ me.” 

“Oh,” Adam said, sat up again, tugged blanket out from underneath himself, and climbed under with Ronan. 

Again, he lay down next to him, this time a little stiff about it. He shifted onto his side, and very carefully lifted his hand onto Ronan’s back again, as if touching Ronan without a blanket in the way was somehow scandalous. 

At Adam’s touch, Ronan rolled onto his side as well, pressed himself closer, kept his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to see any expression that wasn’t entirely positive. 

“Is your mum okay?” 

“She says she is,” Ronan mumbled. 

“But you don’t think she is?” 

“She said she had to go so my dad wouldn’t be tipped off about us by how long she was on the phone for. How the fuck - is he - is he monitering everything? Is my whole fucking life a lie?” 

Adam didn’t reply at first, just hooked his hand a little further around Ronan’s waist, rubbed his hand up and down the base of Ronan’s spine. When he did speak, he was slow and careful with his words. 

“None of your feelings are a lie,” he said. “None of what you’ve felt.” 

Ronan grunted. “It fucking is,” he retorted. “I thought I was safe, I  _ felt _ safe. Apparently I was never fucking safe, and neither was my mum, or my brothers, and I - I- I think I’m the last one in the family to realise this.” 

Adam hummed quietly, apparently not willing to confirm or deny this. 

“You guys knew,” Ronan mumbled. “You guys know. You - you’ve always -  _ fuck _ , Parrish. Jesus.” 

“We didn’t properly know. I had no clue it was like this. I didn’t think that you were - that this was going to end up like this.” 

“But I should have,” Ronan snapped, sighed. “Fuck. I’m just - fuck.” 

“Is Niall on his way back?” 

“No,” Ronan shook his head. “He’s - apparently he doesn’t know anything. So it’ll be - it’ll be about a week before he comes back. And I don’t know what’s going to happen when he does.” 

“So we’ll figure that out. Later. Not tonight. You’ve had enough happen tonight.” 

Ronan grunted again, the easiest way to communicate without worrying about bursting into fucking tears or some shit. Adam made a soft noise in response, and then shuffled about a little, shifting so he could get his other arm around Ronan too, tugging the blankets so some fresh air could join them, pressing his lips to Ronan’s forehead. 

Ronan might cry after all. 

“Try to sleep,” Adam said, “I’ll stay as long as you want me to.” 

If Ronan was more in control of his throat, or, possibly, less in control with his throat, he may have admitted that he wanted Adam to stay forever. 

-

  
  


Ronan wasn’t a stranger to waking up in new situations. He had woken up to his bedroom on fire, to his bedroom flooded, to his bedroom full of little dreamt orbs. He’d woken up in his parents bed after a nightmare or sleep walking, he’d woken up in Declan’s bed for the same. He’d woken up with Matthew in his bed, with a sheep in his bed, with a whole new litter of pups still a little bloody from being birthed in his bed.    
He’d shared a bed with Gansey, been spooned by Noah and his cold fingers, slept in the hayloft with a pregnant cat. 

He’d never woken up so… so - he didn’t even know how to describe this. 

Sun pouring in through his window, he hadn’t pulled the curtains last night. He could smell bacon frying. Chainsaw was croaking loudly somewhere in the room, testing out her vocals. Adam was coiled around him like the blankets, his fingers gripping onto Ronan’s clothing, his knees between Ronan’s legs, his face pressed to Ronan’s shoulder.    
His… uh… morning wood - hard against Ronan’s hip. 

That wasn’t the only hard thing. Ronan’s own… uh. Hardness. Not counted. 

Ronan was also gripping something solid and hard and cool against his palm. It was difficult to know which thing he wanted to address first. Was Adam still asleep? Was he supposed to ignore this? Was this a normal morning experience for Adam or was it about Ronan? Was - 

“Did you dream something?” Adam asked, his sleep rough voice breaking through Ronan’s quickly spiralling thoughts. “‘Cos whatever it is it’s diggin’ into my throat.” 

“Oh,” Ronan said. “Yes. Sorry.” 

He rolled entirely over, the movement a little awkward in his hurry, both of them getting slightly tangled in sheets and each other before untangling. Adam stayed on his side, Ronan lay on his back, held the dream object up for inspection. 

A phone. It looked perfectly normal, none of the usual marks of his dreams on it. He hadn’t even really remembered the dream it had come from. It had been an easy dream. He’d been there, he’d thought about how he needed a new phone. He had a new phone. He had still been asleep really when he’d brought it out, hadn’t noticed his immobility. He wondered if Adam had. 

“Does it do anything special?” Adam asked, lifted his hand up to cover his mouth as he yawned widely. “Double as a flask?” 

“No,” Ronan mumbled, clicked the phone on. “I think it’s just a phone. I think? Pretty sure it has all my numbers on it and shit.” 

Adam held his hand out and Ronan passed it over easily, rolled back onto his side to watch Adam examine it. 

After a few moments of sleepy examining, Adam handed it back over. 

“It’s got no battery,” he said, yawned again. “Or sim. It’s pretty light. Doesn’t feel like it’s anything more than a screen.” 

“It’s turned on,” Ronan pointed out, thumbed into his contacts to check if they were all there. “I’ll see if I can text Gansey.” 

He composed a careful keyboard smash, sent it off to the contact labeled ‘3G’s’, waited for the gong like tone of Gansey’s phone receiving a text in the next room. He didn’t have to wait long. He’d barely hit send when Gansey’s phone announced it had gotten the text. 

“Do you think,” Adam said, slow, like he was still forming his thought. “That this is like, a double of your actual phone? Like, will your phone, wherever it is, be getting a copy of any text you send and recieve?” 

That was a truly horrifying thought. Luckily not one Ronan thought was true.    
  
“No. This phone is completely different to mine. Even the contact names are different.” 

In his original phone, Gansey was down as ‘D3ck’. 

“Huh,” Adam said, held his hand out again. “Can I look again?” 

Ronan handed the phone over without thinking. Adam might not have had a cell phone, but Ronan knew the St Agnes number off by heart. He hadn’t looked to see if his dream had put Adam down as anything. 

“I take it ‘Witch Coven’ with a knife emoji  _ and _ a heart emoji is Blue’s place?” 

Ronan shrugged, snorted. Apparently his dream self was more willing to admit the fondness he felt for Fox Way, even with the wariness that went alongside it. 

“Gansey is ‘3G’,” Adam mumbled, “Declan is ‘Can still beat at chess’? Matty is ‘biggest little’. ‘Mama’ is pretty self explanatory. And… hah, okay. ‘Pa(r)rish’,” He held the phone over to Ronan so Ronan could see the visual pun. “Very clever.” 

Definitely better than the cluster of fucking emoji hearts Ronan had been expecting. He scoffed a little, took the phone back, and threw his legs over the side of the bed. 

“We should get up,” he said. “I want to call Matthew over here, and I want to text Declan, and I want to make a plan.” 

“Okay,” Adam nodded. “I’ll call work and call in sick.” 

Ronan had entirely forgotten about work. He opened his mouth to make a protest he didn’t really want to make, but Adam held his hand up. 

“This once,” he said. “But I’m not calling in sick next time you just wanna go speeding, okay?” 

Ronan shrugged. Reminded himself that he was allowed to feel as happy about this as he was. 

“Okay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a while in the coming! I'm having pretty bad fibro flare ups right now and my brain is really foggy with it!


	16. Chapter 16

Matthew was ecstatic to come around. He always enjoyed coming to Monmouth, particularly when everyone was there, and upon arriving he did his rounds, hugging everyone in the house, and then peering in delightedly at the bathroom. Apparently the disaster of having the kitchen in the bathroom never lost its charm. 

“C’mon Matty,” Ronan called, after waiting a good five minutes for Matthew and Chainsaw to finish up their greetings. “She’s happy to see you too, but there’s an actual reason I called you around here.” 

“Thought it was ‘cos you missed me,” Matthew replied cheerfully, stroking Chainsaw’s head. She was making a noise that sounded off puttingly like a cat purring. 

“I did,” Ronan groaned, “but I wanna - we wanna - I need you to tell me how you feel about dad.” 

Gansey, Adam, and Noah were all in the main room. Gansey sitting on his bed, Noah at the foot of it, Adam perched on the arm of the couch. All of them were very quiet behind Ronan right now, and he could imagine them all looking away, pretending they weren’t listening in. Matthew was sitting in Ronan’s room, on Ronan’s bed, Ronan in the doorway.

Matthew stopped stroking Chainsaw. She croaked in reproach, hopped away. The reproach was definitely meant for Ronan. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Matthew mumbled, unconvincing. 

Ronan glanced back over his shoulder at the silent tableau of his friends, shook his head at them, hoping that his message of ‘don’t come in’ was clear, and stepped into his room, shutting the door behind him. 

“I mean,” he began, weak, cleared his throat. He sat down at the foot of his bed, tugged a crease out of the cover. “I mean. Do you. Do you feel. Safe? When he’s around?” 

Matthew didn’t look up at him, he was focusing very intently on his lap, his bottom lip quivering. 

“Bud,” Ronan said, edged his way a little closer to his little brother. “I’m not - I’m not going to be mad, whatever you say. I just -  _ I _ don’t feel safe. With him. I want you to be safe. And happy.” 

“He’s never hurt me,” Matthew mumbled. “Or yelled at me.” 

“That’s not what I’m asking.” 

“He’s our dad.” 

“Matty -” 

Matthew was shrugging, almost comically large tears had gathered in the corners of his eyes, and when he blinked they dripped down his face. Ronan had never been that good with words, with emotions, but he knew he and Matthew worked on the same wave length when it came to comfort and he shifted closer to wrap his arms tightly around Matthew, to bundle him as much as he could against his chest, all but dragging him onto his lap. 

“Hey,” Ronan mumbled, “it’s okay. It’s okay. I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary.” 

“We’re not  _ allowed _ ,” Matthew wailed, “ _ Not allowed _ .” 

Ronan wasn’t entirely sure what wasn’t allowed, but he understood the meaning behind it. They were Niall’s sons. They trusted him, believed in him, obeyed him. That was the way it was. What were the Lynch’s without Niall? He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to Matthew here to help, though. He didn’t know what to say to help himself. 

Someone knocked on the door. Either they hadn’t understood his wordless message, or they were choosing to ignore it. He was reasonably certain it was the latter, especially when Gansey opened the door before Ronan said anything. 

“Can we help?” Gansey asked, voice low. 

It was hard to tell if he was talking to Ronan or Matthew, but Matthew was the one who responded, lifting his head from Ronan’s shoulder, tears still sliding quickly down his face, and nodded. 

Gansey came to sit beside Matthew, squishing himself in so Matthew was sandwiched between Gansey and Ronan. Adam sat beside Ronan, a Lynch sandwich now. Noah stood by the door. Possibly he didn’t think his cold body would be appreciated in a comfort hug right now. 

“At my house,” Gansey said, his voice still very low as if he was spilling secrets. “There are so many rules too. We don’t talk about the rules, but they’re still there. And I feel like my very personality breaks every single one of the rules. I always feel like I’m - like I’m in trouble whenever I go home. Like I’m disappointing my parents.” 

He was spilling secrets. 

Matthew nodded, lifted one hand to brush away the tears dripping from his chin. 

“But sometimes,” Gansey continued, a little weaker, like he hadn’t thought this story entirely through enough to find the happy moral of it. “Sometimes… I  _ know _ that the way I am isn’t bad. That sometimes it’s okay to not be what your parents want. Do what they want. Say what they want. If I did what they wanted I would be very, very unhappy.” 

Matthew nodded again. Gansey wiped the tears from his chin this time. 

“I don’t like speaking out against my parents,” Gansey added, cleared his throat hurriedly as if just talking about contradicting his parents was also terrifying, but I - sometimes you have to. For your own good.” 

“You don’t have to say anything in front of us,” Adam spoke up. “But I think - I think you will feel better about it if you talk to Ronan about it. Because you’re not - you’re not making any of your hurt up. If you’re… uncomfortable… it’s real.” 

It was a bit crazy that these two could be so coherent about this. It made Ronan wonder if they had been building these little speeches for a while. Not for use on Matthew, but for him. He was pleased they had ignored his request for them to stay out of it, because Matthew had stopped crying, was sitting up a bit more, looked a bit more… open. 

“Mum’s happier when Dad’s gone,” Matthew offered, his voice very tearful. “So so am I. And - and so is Declan.” 

“Mm,” Ronan nodded. 

“And,” Matthew gulped a little. “When you have classes with him you’re really sad and - and - you lie about it.” 

Ronan didn’t think he had lied about being upset to Matthew. 

“You just say you’re tired,” Matthew pointed out as if Ronan had spoken. “But you’re really, really, really sad. I can  _ hear _ you crying at night our bedrooms are right next to each other and it makes  _ me  _ cry.” 

Ronan was back to wishing his friends hadn’t come in. Adam’s hand came to rest on the small of Ronan’s back, palm warm and comforting. Maybe it was still okay they were here after all. 

“I was tired,” Ronan insisted. “That wasn’t a lie… but you’re right. I - I was really. Really mad. And upset. And - and that was because of - because. He - I couldn’t -  _ he _ wouldn’t -” 

Fuck. He couldn’t string together a coherent sentence to save his goddamn life apparently. He felt like there was a fist clenched inside his chest, squeezing his lungs and his heart at the same time. 

“Mum didn’t like it,” Matthew said. “She - she and dad fought about it every day. She didn’t want you having classes.” 

Ronan had figured that bit out already. It still hurt a little to hear. That he had been the cause of his parents fighting. 

“Yeah. I - Matty. I don’t ever want to - I don’t want to see him again. Dad. I mean. I  _ do  _ \--- I - I - I know I can’t.” 

“I don’t want to see him,” Matthew said, immediate. “Ever. I don’t want to ever see him again. I want to - I want to live with you and mum and Matthew and not him. Mum would probably sing again if we didn’t live with him.” 

Ronan hadn’t noticed that their mum hadn’t been singing. He supposed he had been a little preoccupied, but still. He felt bad about it. 

“Okay,” he said, cleared his throat to try and keep his voice a little steady. “You never have to see him again, okay, Matty? You don’t have to go back with him ever again.” 

-

The problem with making promises like that, was that Ronan had no idea how he was going to keep them. If Niall wanted to come see Matthew, how was Ronan supposed to stop that? How would Ronan know it was about to happen? How could he, in reality, protect his younger brother in any way? He needed his mum, but. But she was stuck at the Barns so that Niall could check up on her. He needed Declan, but he was stuck with their father. 

Ronan still didn’t know what he was supposed to think. How he was supposed to think. He couldn’t get his head around the enormity of the change this was bringing. How much of his life was a lie? 

Matthew had opted to stay the weekend with them, rather than going back to his dorms, which was great of course. It was just. 

Well. Ronan had been hoping that Adam would stay here. In his room. In his bed. And if Matthew was staying here, Matthew would probably want to sleep in Ronan’s bedroom.

That could be dealt with for later. For now, Ronan was going to call Aurora. He figured if he kept it short, it wouldn’t arouse too much suspicion from Niall. Aurora could say it was a telemarketer or something. 

The plan was to call, to ask first when Niall would be back, to ask second how she was, and to ask third, what the plan was. How were they going to keep Niall away? Was she going to stay there with him? 

That had been the plan. It got as far as Ronan calling her before the plan went off track. 

“Ronan,” Aurora answered, before Ronan could even speak to let her know the new number was him. “Your father is on his way home. He felt - he knows you brought something physical out of you dreams. He’s coming home. Declan texted me. Are you at Monmouth? Are you with Gansey?” 

“Yes,” Ronan replied, his mind still racing to catch up with everything Aurora had just said. The horror of it too big to actually sink in yet with anything but the easy answers. “I’m - I - Matty too.” 

“ _ Good _ . Stay there. Maybe. Dream a repellent? Can you do that? God I wish I could dream, my love. Better I can’t, probably.” 

“I ...” Ronan didn’t know if he could dream anything that would stop his father. Keep his father out. “What about you?” 

“Oh sweetheart. I’ll be fine.” 

She didn’t sound as convincing as usual. 

“Mama,” he whispered. “What’s going to happen?” 

She didn’t reply for a long beat. 

“He’s going to be angry,” she said. “And he’s going to want his sons back. And he isn’t going to get them.” 

This wasn’t enough of an answer. 

“I have to stay here,” she said, voice soft, sorrowful. “I have to be here for Declan. You two have each other, but he - right now he has no one.” 

This was not comforting. 

“I want to help.” 

“No.” This was the first time Ronan had ever heard Aurora speak sharply to him, and it was a shock. “I am your mother,” she said this bit softer, “and if I can do nothing else, I will protect you as well as I am able. I can’t do that if you’re here to fall back into a trap.” 

It was a horrible thought, The Barns as a trap. His father as a trap. 

“I love you,” she said, firm. “And I love Matthew. Tell him that. I’ll speak to you again soon. I promise.” 


	17. Chapter 17

The first thing Ronan did after hanging up the phone was dig his fingers into his hair. If Niall knew he’d brought something out of a dream, Ronan had missed a bug. Niall was still spying on him. Niall was still in charge. Ronan was a fucking ticking time bomb. 

He couldn’t feel anything against his fingers, his nails dragging harshly against his scalp. 

“Lynch,” Adam said, his voice was sharp like he’d spoken a few times before now and Ronan just hadn’t heard him. “ _ Ronan _ .” He was pulling Ronan’s hands away from his head, holding them tightly in his own hands, squeezing them until Ronan looked at him. “What’s happened?” 

“He’s coming back,” Ronan muttered, glanced from Adam’s face of worry to Matthew’s face of fear. “I - he knows -  _ somehow _ \- that I pulled something out of my dream, and I - I don’t know how. I thought I’d gotten rid of the bug. I don’t know - there must be something on me. I don’t -” 

He took a deep breath, a hard one to steady himself. That was going to have to wait a moment. If it was just telling his father when he brought something out of his dreams than it wasn’t the most pressing thing. Matthew was. 

He tugged his hands from Adam’s grip, reached for Matthew. 

“Dad’s coming back?” Matthew asked, letting himself be tugged towards Ronan. 

If Ronan hadn’t already solidified in his mind the fact that he couldn’t see his father again. That Niall was - was  _ bad _ for his family. Matthew’s tone, dripping with anxious fear, would have convinced him. He felt utterly sick, knowing that he hadn’t noticed this before. That his family had been hiding behind a curtain. That Ronan had been the only one who adored their father without thought. 

“Yes,” Ronan’s brain felt like it was going to implode with how fast he was trying to make it work. “But it’s going to be fine, buddy. He’s not going to get you. He’s not going to. You’re going to - you’re gonna go stay with Blue, yeah? How’s that? With Blue and her mum, and aunts. You’ll be really safe there.” 

“That’s a good idea,” Gansey chipped in, voice overly plummy like he was working extra hard to keep the worry out of his voice. “They have more protection than here by far. I can call Jane now.” 

“And you’ll all come?” Matthew asked, had shuffled himself closer to Ronan so they were squished together. “To Blue’s? To be safe?” 

“Uh,” Ronan struggled, lifted his arm to wrap around Matthew’s shoulder. “Maybe Gansey and Noah? But I - I - Matty. I think Da- Niall. I think Niall put a - a  _ bug _ on me-” 

“A spider?” Matthew interrupted, wiggling a little under Ronan’s arm as he peered around Ronan’s shoulders. 

“No. Uh. Like. A device. A listening device, or a - a tracking device. If I go with you I’m worried he’ll be able to find you.” 

Matthew’s face fell. 

“But I have a phone now,” Ronan hurried on, squeezing Matthew’s shoulders. “So we can stay in contact. And I’ll let you know what’s happening. You won’t need to worry.” 

Matthew’s expression didn’t brighten. 

“Niall doesn’t know where Blue lives,” Ronan said, “and he’s not going to look there if he doesn’t have any reason to. You’re going to be safe.” 

“You won’t be,” Matthew pointed out, his face too far fallen for his expression to be considered a pout. It looked more like the verge of a sob than anything else. 

Ronan bit his lip, glanced around at his friends for any help. Gansey looked as stumped as him. Noah looked wavery. Adam stepped forwards a little from where he’d fallen back to give Matthew room. He put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder. 

“I’m going to be looking after him,” Adam told Matthew. “We’ll go somewhere safe and I’ll - I’m a little bit magic, Matty -” He whispered this bit, an exciting secret for an upset child. “And I can use my magic to help protect him. When he’s right here with me.” 

Matthew looked a little bit more appeased. After all, any promise coming from Adam was worth a million promises from someone else. 

“And Gansey and Noah will stay with you,” Ronan added, glancing up at the two he’d volunteered. “Because Niall will expect them to be with me. So. You’ll all be safer if you’re not.” 

He wanted to tell Adam that he shouldn’t stay with Ronan either. That it was unsafe. That Niall had already shown that he didn’t care about threatening Adam like he would care about threatening Gansey with all his connections. But. 

He was selfish. And scared. And he wanted Adam to stay with him. 

-

Adam suggested that they go to Cabeswater, after Gansey, Noah, and Matthew had all left in Gansey’s Camaro. He said that it could be safer, that his magic would be stronger. 

Ronan had said that he didn’t want to lead Niall into Cabeswater. Didn’t want to think about the implications of Niall in Cabeswater. Didn’t want - 

“We’ll go to mine,” Adam said. “He’ll come here first, before he tries mine. As far as he knows he thinks we’re broken up and that you’re - uh - upset with me.” 

“Heartbroken,” Ronan suggested. “But he will come to yours when he doesn’t find me here. And if he - if this is a tracking device as well as a dream whatever bug, then I - then he’ll know immediately.” 

“I still think you’ll be safer at mine,” Adam argued back. “Partly because it’s at your church. I think he’ll be more wary of - of making a horrible scene. And partly because - I think I’m stronger at mine. I want to be able to protect you as much as I can, and -” 

“You don’t have to,” Ronan butted in, having finally overturned his barricade of selfishness. “I don’t want - you don’t have to - you could go home right now, Parrish, and not get involved. If I’m here he’s not going to go after you.” 

Adam gave him a look that could have pulled a tree out by its roots. He took Ronan’s hand in his. 

“I’m not doing that.” 

-

They weren’t sure exactly how much time they had before Niall hit Henrietta, but Ronan was insistent that they didn’t go anywhere until they found the bug, or device, or whatever it was that Niall had stuck on Ronan. He had explained haltingly to Adam about the other one. How it had been stuck to his scalp like some parasitic leach. 

Adam had his hands in Ronan’s hair now, feeling his way slowly over the topography of Ronan’s scalp while Ronan fidgeted beneath him. He couldn’t feel anything that didn’t feel like scalp, but it wasn’t exactly like he was a scalp expert.

“I can’t find anything,” he said, letting his hands come to rest on Ronan’s shoulders. “I’ve gone over your whole head. What now?” 

Ronan shook his head, stayed turned away from Adam, his voice miserable when he spoke. 

“I don’t know.” 

Adam doubted that Niall would be here in the next hour, but he also didn’t think they had any time to waste. Ronan deserved time to - to grieve, to be upset, to sulk, even, but now wasn’t the time. 

“Okay. Strip off.” 

Now Ronan’s head bounced back up, he looked over his shoulder are Adam with his eyes wide mouth a little open. 

“So I can look you over for a bug,” Adam said firmly, ignoring the heat in his cheeks that he could see mirrored in Ronan’s. “Even if you looked for it before, you can’t see your body as well as I can, not even in a mirror.” 

Ronan nodded, didn’t move to undress. Adam relented slightly. 

“You can - you can keep your, uh, underwear on. At first? Unless I can’t find anything anywhere else?” 

Ronan nodded again, a little stiff. 

Adam was pretty sure they had changed in front of each other before, but, it wasn’t as if they had undressed with the purpose of staring at each other’s junk with intensity. Plus, it was… different. Now they were together. It felt loaded. Maybe it shouldn’t be, maybe that was gonna be something they would need to work on, but. Well. Now wasn’t the time. 

Ronan shrugged his shirt off, shucked his jeans, pulled his socks off by the toes, stood with his arms tightly around himself. Adam didn’t think he would have survived if Ronan had also taken his underwear off because. 

Just, fuck. Adam had never had to double check if he had found Ronan  _ attractive _ . He had always known that Ronan was handsome, nice to look at. Had a good body. 

Now wasn’t the goddamned time. His ears were burning now as well. He forced his mind into a more serious state, stepped closer. 

Ronan’s body was all but radiating heat, and it was all Adam could do to not immediately press his hands to Ronan’s body, to soak his heat in through his body. To just hold onto him. 

“Are you looking for a bug or just looking?” Ronan grumbled, snapping Adam back into his serious thoughts. “C’mon, Parrish.” 

“Sorry, sorry,” Adam mumbled. “I just - yeah. Sorry. I’m looking.” 

Ronan’s back was a patchwork of still pink grazes and spatters of freckles, stressed muscles, the hard line of his shoulders. Adam was pretty sure that if there was something on Ronan’s front, Ronan would have seen it. 

“Can I -” Adam cleared his throat. “Uh. Touch you?” 

Ronan cleared his throat as well. Even his shoulders were blushing. 

“Uh-huh.” 

Adam pressed his finger tips gently against the large freckle just under Ronan’s shoulderblade, rubbed against it to be sure it was a freckle and not something masquerading as one. He trailed his fingers from freckle to freckle, skating down the length of Ronan’s back as if he were trying to draw a connect the dots. It was somewhat mesmerising, and when Ronan spoke, it was all he could do not to jump. 

“I want a tattoo on my back.” 

“Of what?” 

Ronan shrugged, his muscles jumping under Adam’s finger. “My mind.” 

“Dangerous,” Adam commented. There was a mole at the base of Ronan’s spine, only just visible under the waistband of Ronan’s underwear. “Uh. Can I, uh, tug the band of your, uh. Underwear. Down. A bit?” 

Ronan grunted an affirmative. His blush had travelled down all the way to his shoulderblade. Adam folded the waistband down. 

“Could you dream the tattoo onto yourself?” he asked, doing his best to keep his voice steady. “Or would you want to get it done by a tattooist?” 

“I want to get it done by a tattooist,” Ronan nodded. “I think. It’s -  _ ow _ .” 

“Sorry,” Adam mumbled, didn’t pull his hand away. “Um. I don’t think this is a mole.” 

“What?” 

“Right here,” Adam said. “It’s - well. It came entirely away from your body when I pinched it. Kind of gross.” 

“Ugh.” 

“And I think it’s - I don’t know. It’s attached to you.” 

“ _ Ugh _ .” 

“Did it hurt?” 

“Obviously,” Ronan snapped. Cleared his throat. “Yeah. Like. All up my spine. I felt it in my head, too.” 

“Right.” Adam knelt down so he could get a better look at the offending not-mole (a mole mole). Do you want me to try again?” 

Ronan groaned out a long drawn out sigh, then shrugged. “Yeah,” he said. “So long as you’re sure it’s not actually part of my body.”

Adam was mostly sure. Moles weren’t usually detachable after all. He leaned forwards, pressed a kiss to Ronan’s spine, which, well. Was as high as he could reach at the moment. 

This time when he pinched the not-mole, grasping it tightly, Ronan didn’t make a noise, just tensed his back as Adam pulled it away from his skin. It was still attached to Ronan’s back. A thin, almost wire like string attached it still to Ronan’s skin, or,  _ in _ Ronan’s skin. He pulled it again, and he could see Ronan’s skin, all up his spine, pulling tight. Ronan let out a hiss but stayed still. 

“Uh,” Adam said. “It’s. Um. Inside you?” 

“I don’t think I want to know,” Ronan said, voice taut. “Just. Take it out.” 

Pulling it out the rest of the way revealed more of the wire like thing, splitting into multiples the further down it got like it as a root system or something. When he finally got to the end of it, holding the not-mole in one hand and pulling the wire with the other, it caught at the base of Ronan’s spine for a second, and then came out easily leaving nothing except for a dot of beading blood on Ronan’s skin. 

Ronan exhaled hard as Adam shuffled backwards, staying on his knees while he put some distance between Ronan and the not-mole, still holding it tightly. He didn’t think it would be able to get back to Ronan but he didn’t want to risk it. 

“You’re bleeding a bit,” Adam said, his voice coming out oddly monotone. 

“Doesn’t matter.” 

“Do you want to see it? Or do you want me to get rid of it?” 

Ronan turned around now, his arms still wrapped around his chest, his eyes wary as they took in Adam on the floor, the  _ thing _ in his hand. 

“That was in me?” 

“Just the wire bits,” Adam said, held up the hand holding the wire to show the length of it. He let go of them and - “Oh!” 

The wire sucked themselves back into the not-mole, like a vacuum cord, or a noodle being slurped. 

“Fuck,” Ronan said. 

“We could put it down the insinkerator,” Adam suggested. “It’s small enough not to block it.” 

Ronan nodded, didn’t make any move to take it. Adam stood, went to the bathroom, washed it down the insinkerator, bitterly thankful that Gansey had had it installed even though he hadn’t bothered putting the kitchen in its own room. He came back out into the main room to find Ronan still just standing there in only his underwear, the small bead of blood pooling. Adam turned around, ducked back into the bathroom, and came back out again with a plaster and a cloth. 

“I don’t even know how long that’s been on me for,” Ronan said, blank, as Adam wiped the blood from Ronan’s back. “Or when he put it on.” 

“It’s gone now.” 

“I thought I could believe the things I saw with my own eyes,” Ronan continued, miserable. “But I’ve been blind, apparently.” 

“Ronan,” Adam said, stuck the plaster on carefully, and then turned Ronan with a hand on his hip. “Hey. Look at me.” 

Ronan blinked hard, but then looked at Adam, his eyelashes sticking together with unshed tears. 

“I’m not a lie,” Adam said firmly. “You can believe in me. I’ve got you, okay?” 

“Take me to yours, magician,” Ronan mumbled, leaned forwards so he could rest his weight against Adam. 

Adam wrapped his arms around Ronan’s waist, held him tight to him for a long moment before speaking. 

“You should get dressed again first.” 

-

Back at his apartment, Adam took his cards out, squished the two of them and the cards into his bathroom. He kept aluminum foil in his bathroom cupboard for scrying, and he lined his sink with it now. 

“I’m not very good at asking it for help when I’m not in it, yet,” he explained while Ronan stood with his back to the door watching. “Scrying helps me speak clearer to it.” 

“What are you even going to ask?”

Adam didn’t know yet. He shook his head. “For help.” 

Ronan nodded. 

“And you need me to wake you up. Out of the scrying? After how long?” 

“Um,” Adam didn’t have an exact time measurement. “If you think I’m going to die.” 

“ _ Parrish _ .” Ronan did not sound amused. 

“Ronan,” Adam said, finished with foiling the sink and turned awkwardly in the small space to face Ronan. “It’s all going to be fine.” 

“You’re asking me to pull you back from the brink of death, Parrish! How the fuck am I supposed to know? What if I get it wrong?” 

“If I stop breathing,” Adam said, “wake me then. I won’t die. It’s going to work.” 

Ronan still did not look convinced. If anything, he looked a little bit close to tears. Adam still wasn’t great at comfort, but he was, he hoped, better at comforting Ronan. He stepped closer (only the tiniest of steps needed to bring them chest to chest), wrapped his arms around Ronan, and just held him. Ronan wound his own arms around Adam’s waist as well, clung tightly, his face buried in Adam’s shoulder, his breathing hard and wet through Adam’s t-shirt. 

“I’ve done this before,” Adam whispered. “I know I can do it. Having you here is like wearing a life jacket. I can still swim, Ronan.” 

-

When he opened his eyes into the scry, he wasn’t sure what he was looking at. He was in the forest. Cabeswater. In front of him was the kitchen from The Barn. 

Aurora was sitting at the table, hands clasped, unmoving. Almost overimposed was the kitchen from Fox Way, the two kitchen tables slightly alined so it looked like it was just one. Matthew was at the Fox Way table. 

Adam had no idea what it meant. 

There was an ephemeral chain around Aurora’s ankle, the rest of it leading away into nothingness at the edge of the kitchen in the forest. 

He couldn’t see a chain on Matthew, so he stepped closer, careful not to step into the kitchen itself, and peered closer at Aurora’s chain. There was a lock holding the chain together, a key hole on the lock. Not like any key hole Adam had seen before. He didn’t even know how he was supposed to describe it. 

“What is this supposed to help?” Adam asked the forest at large. “I need help, not riddles. Ronan is in danger.” 

In his head, or, out loud, the two of these things one and the same right now, Cabeswater replied. 

“So look closer.” 

Ronan woke him up. 

Coming out from scrying often felt like being dragged out from underwater at the last moment before you drowned. He gasped hoarsely for breath, flailed around for his bearings until Ronan anchored him, his arms around him tightly. Once he had his breath back, strength returned to his limbs, he spoke. 

“I think you need to dream,” he mumbled into Ronan’s shoulder. “I think - I think you need to get a key.” 

“A key?” 

“One that doesn’t look like a key. For your mum.” 

Ronan pulled back a little so he could look at Adam. He looked confused but not unwilling. 

“I saw her in the scry,” Adam said, felt clumsy with trying to describe any of this. “And she was - I think - I’m not sure -” 

“Adam.” 

“Ronan I think she’s a dream.” 

Ronan didn’t look surprised so much as he looked like Adam had just stabbed him in the gut. He physically recoiled. 

He didn’t want to further heap pain on Ronan, but there was no time to hold back secrets, so Adam gritted his teeth and continued. 

“I think Matthew’s a dream too. I saw the both of them. In Cabeswater like they belonged there. And I - I think Matthew is - I think he’s okay but your mum had a - a - a chain around her and it needed a key, and  _ I don’t know _ , I’m sorry.” 

Ronan wasn’t recoiling anymore, but he still looked in pain, his jaw clenched tight. He nodded. 

“I’ll keep watch while you dream,” Adam offered. 


	18. Chapter 18

This wasn’t the first time Adam had seen Ronan dream something into reality, but it was the first time he had been watching knowing what was happening, the first time Ronan was doing this purposefully. 

Adam knew Ronan often found it hard to get to sleep, so it was a small miracle to see Ronan simply lie down on Adam’s spindly bed, close his eyes, and fall immediately into sleep. Or whatever dreaming consisted of. He wondered how he himself had looked while scrying, how Ronan had felt watching him. If Ronan had felt, well… 

Adam felt somewhat honoured to be here. To be watching Ronan do something so magical, so otherworldly. Of course, on top of the honour and the awe, there was also the fear, of course, that Niall was going to arrive while Ronan was asleep. Just the fear of the moment itself. 

Ronan was twitching on the bed, not alarmingly so, just - his fingers against the cover, his eyes under his eyelids. Adam sat beside him, his ears almost aching with how intently he was listening for the noise of a car, of footsteps, of a whispered warning from Cabeswater. It didn’t help that he only had one working ear to do this all with. His hand had found its way to Ronan’s leg, rested there, warmth bleeding into him. He didn’t know how Ronan could be so warm all the time. 

He wasn’t sure how long they were there for, the dreamer and his magician, a silent tableau. It could have been hours, though Adam was sure it was only a few moments. 

Ronan’s eyes opened first, right before his body froze up. Ronan’s hand, which had been open and empty against the bed a moment before was suddenly tight in a fist, something caught within it. 

Even though Adam knew now that Ronan always froze up like this when he brought back a dream, knew he was alright, safe, it still sent a spike of fear into his stomach. He wished Ronan would  _ breathe _ , would move. 

Ronan uncurled his fist before anything else. Before he breathed in, before he blinked, dragging Adam’s attention down from his face to his hand. Caught against Ronan’s palm was a little… orb of light. It was difficult to look straight at, difficult to comprehend. He looked away just as Ronan’s fingers closed around it again. 

“Do you know what it is?” Adam asked while Ronan sat up. “How it works?” 

Ronan shook his head, grimacing a little as his back clicked. “It’s… It’s for mum. I’m not sure what it means yet. You said it was a key, so I guess it’s a key.” 

“So we need to get it to your mum?” 

Ronan looked torn. “I don’t  _ know _ .” 

“If we go to her now, you might get - we might run into your - into him.” 

Ronan’s eyes were shut, like just hearing Adam stumble over saying this hurt him. 

“He might bring her with him,” Adam said, though he wasn’t sure if this was scary or comforting. 

“Do you think my phone can be traced?” Ronan asked, seemingly entirely changing the subject. “Seeing as it’s a dream?” 

“It doesn’t have a battery,” Adam frowned. “Or a SIM card. Or any insides that I could see, so. I don’t think so? Who are you wanting to call?” 

“Declan,” Ronan said, shuffling himself to the edge of the mattress towards his jacket on the floor, his phone a lump in its pocket. “I want - I need - what if he’s not okay?” 

Adam didn’t know how it was going to make any of this better to know if Declan was not okay, but. He wasn’t going to pretend he understood what it was like to care about his family. 

Ronan’s phone rang a few times before Declan picked up, and he spoke before Ronan could even get his mouth open. 

“Hi Ashley,” he said, loud enough that Adam could hear him. “Now’s not a good time, sorry. Just driving into town with my dad. Yeah. Near the bridge. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.” 

Declan hung up. Ronan kept the phone at his ear for a beat longer, and then threw it down onto the bed. 

“I have an idea,” Adam said, “but it might be stupid.” 

“Tell me your stupid idea.” 

“We go to the Barns now. Give the key to your mum.” 

Ronan threw himself down onto the bed after his phone. “What if she’s with them?” 

“I think Declan would have said if he was,” Adam said, bouncing a little with Ronan’s impact on the mattress next to him. “And if Declan is coming into town they’ve probably been home already and know you’re not there, so they’re not going to go back there until we trigger the alarm.” 

“But then we’ll be stuck at the Barns!” 

Adam shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I said it might be stupid.” 

“We can probably get out again before dad gets home. If mum will come. I don’t know. I don’t know.” 

“First, though,” Adam pointed out. “We need a car.” 

-

Gansey was not happy about even the idea of anyone driving his car. Luckily for him, that wasn’t what Adam meant, he had apparently just phrased it badly in his initial sentence. In his defence, he didn’t like talking on the phone. 

“You want to borrow the Fox Way car?” Gansey asked. “Really?” 

“Niall won’t recognise it,” Adam said. “And it has less chance of breaking down half way.” 

“I resent that.” 

“You know it’s only true, Gansey. Will you put Maura on, please?” 

Maura wasn’t as keen as Adam had hoped. However, she was willing to compromise. 

-

“It’s fair enough, Ronan,” Adam mumbled, the two of them standing in the back alley behind St Agnes, waiting for their pick up. “Maura’s an adult. She has some sort of responsibility to make sure kids aren’t blindly running into danger.” 

“So she could have been the one to come,” Ronan grumbled. “Calla fucking hates me.” 

“Calla fights back with you,” Adam said, squeezed Ronan’s hand. “This is going to be faster. She picks us up. That saves us from having to walk or double on my bike to get to the car.” 

“Means we won’t be leading him to Matthew,” Ronan admitted grudgingly. “I fucking know, Parrish.” 

-

Calla, thankfully, didn’t have that much to say to them on the drive out of town. Ronan spent the trip with his eyes all but glued to the window. He didn’t say, but Adam knew he was keeping an eye out for Niall’s BMW. They didn’t see it. 

“How do you suppose it’ll work?” Adam murmured, once they were over and well past the bridge Declan had mentioned in his faux phone call. “Your key.” 

“The fuck am I supposed to know,” Ronan growled back, then sighed. Closed his eyes. 

Calla was alone in the front, Adam and Ronan opting for being with each other rather than being polite, and she sent a meaningful look their way through the mirror. Adam wasn’t sure what the meaningful look  _ meant _ but it sure had meaning. 

“Sorry,” Ronan said, so quiet Adam wasn’t sure he had actually heard it at first.    
  
He blinked at Ronan, knew better than to ask for the apology to be repeated for clarifications sake. Instead he reached across the gap between them and took Ronan’s hand, clenched in a tight fist. He avoided looking into the mirror at Calla. 

“If mum’s a dream,” Ronan mumbled, “I don’t know what this key’s going to do.” 

“Did you know that you - that  _ dreamers _ could bring humans out?” 

Ronan shook his head. “No,” he said. “But, I didn’t not know. You can bring alive things out. Humans are just. Complicated, I guess. But it’s - Parrish -” 

He cut himself off with a vague scoff of a noise, his face twisting into one sharp line. Adam squeezed his hand. 

“Dad - uh - he told me. That if a dreamer dies. So does their dream. I don’t know where he’s seen it before, he didn’t tell me that. He said a dream is nothing without its dreamer and I - what if that’s why mum’s the way she is?” 

Adam paused a moment, and Calla spoke for him. 

“Overly obedient? Nearly Slavish?” 

Ronan looked like he was going to snarl again, his face contorting from one sharp line to another, and then - his expression dropped, his head with it. He pressed his forehead against the window pane, apparently oblivious to the juddering, closed his eyes, squeezed Adam’s hand tighter. 

“Yeah.” he said. 

“So,” Adam tried. “Maybe the key will - will sever that connection?” 

“What if it severs it and mum fucking dies?” 

Adam had been hoping they could avoid thinking about the worst case scenarios. 

“I don’t think that’s going to happen.” 

“You don’t  _ think _ ?” 

“I asked Cabeswater for  _ help _ . Cabeswater loves you. It’s not going to give either of us advice that’s going to hurt you.” Adam was pretty certain of this.

“What if it does? What if I give it to her and she just - just - just -” 

“Then we fix it,” Adam said firmly, interrupting Ronan’s lack of words. “Up here, Calla.” 

Calla turned the car sharply. Ronan swung away from the window, his and Adam’s shoulders knocked, Ronan clung tighter to his hand. Not with fear, Ronan Lynch was never going to be scared of a swerving car. Adam squeezed his hand back. 

“We have at least twenty minutes,” Ronan said, “Once we go through the gate. That’s with dad booking it back here immediately after his alarm sounds.” 

“So go fast,” Calla said. “I’ll stay in the car. I’ll expect you two and your mama back with me in ten minutes. Then I’m taking all of you to Fox Way.” 

Adam hadn’t actually thought as far as what they were going to do after they’d gotten to Aurora. That was a serious flaw in his plan. Ronan looked to be in the same boat as he glanced sharply at Adam. 

“No. I - I’m not putting Matthew in that kind of danger.” 

“But putting all my family in danger’s fine?” Calla snapped back, then immediately softened. “Listen up, snake eyes. Your papa might be some magic big shot, but I can tell you right now that he’s no match for me and my ladies. You’re all idiots, all you kids, not immediately coming to us for help.” 

Ronan looked very much like he wanted to argue about this, but, remarkably, held his tongue. 

“We’ll keep y’all safe,” Calla said firmly, her eyes on them in the mirror. “You, your brother, and your mama.” 

“What about Declan?” Ronan mumbled, and Adam’s stomach twisted. 

He was a terrible boyfriend. He’d forgotten all about Declan again. Jesus. 

“He’s next on the agenda,” Calla announced. “It’s this driveway coming up, yeah?” 

-

Calla parked in front of the Barns like a dervish firework set off in gravel. Adam and Ronan poured out of the car door a little wobbly. 

Ronan led the way, crossing the distance to the front door in long strides and only pausing to check Adam was with him with his hand on the door knob. 

“What if she won’t come with me?” Ronan asked, body as frozen as if he’d brought a dream out. 

Adam shook his head. “We deal with that if it comes up,” he said, put his hand on top of Ronan’s over the door knob. “Let’s go in.” 

He’d barely been to the Barns before. Just dropping past to pick up something Ronan had forgotten, or dropping Ronan off home. He knew Gansey had come here before for sleepovers, but, well. Maybe Ronan hadn’t wanted him here because it was too intimate. 

The entrance way was a clutter of muddy boots and heavy jackets, raincoats, umbrellas, a couple of large lanterns hanging from hooks, ready to be taken outside. Attractive looking junk on a shelf. They walked past it all quickly, down a corridor lined with bookshelves and nicknacks and into the kitchen. Adam supposed it made sense for a man like Niall to have dreamed himself a woman who would always gravitate to the kitchen. 

Aurora was standing at the bench, a ball of dough being relentlessly kneaded, her sleeves rolled up, flour covering her forearms, a smear on her cheek. 

“Mama,” Ronan said, took a quick step towards her. “Ma-” 

“Ronan,” she whispered. “I told you to stay away, I told you it wasn’t safe here, I don’t have any power here, I can’t help if tries to keep you, please -” 

She didn’t stop kneading. Ronan paused, an arm's reach away from her. 

“You’ve got to go,” Aurora continued, her voice low and fast and almost harsh with desperation. “Please, sweetheart, he could come back and find you here and lock the gates and I can’t open them.” 

Adam didn’t know how much Niall could control Aurora, and he didn’t think Aurora knew how much either. 

“I came for you,” Ronan said, his voice breaking in a way that hurt Adam’s stomach. “Mama. I’m taking you somewhere safe.” 

“No,” Aurora shook his head. “Darling. He will always be able to find me. I have to come when I’m called. You don’t.” 

As if he’d just remembered it, Ronan scrambled for the orb like key in his pocket, pulling it out hastily and holding it towards Aurora. She flinched away as if it were too bright. Adam understood that. The kitchen suddenly seemed a thousand times brighter than before. 

“Mama,” Ronan said feverishly. “I dreamed this for you. It’s a gift from the forest. I didn’t steal it, it gave it to me. If you take this he can’t find you. You won’t belong to him.” 

Aurora looked hesitant. 

“Who will I belong to?” 

Ronan paused, shook his head. “No one?” 

“Darling,” Aurora also shook her head, but she held one floury hand out towards the orb now, as if she couldn’t help but want to touch it. “There’s always a price. An object goes from owner to owner.” 

Adam’s stomach hurt. He couldn’t see Ronan’s face, but his shoulders were stiff enough to build foundation on. 

“You’re not an object,” Ronan gritted out. “You’re  _ human _ . And this key is a gift, not a payment. It was freely given. You don’t have to give anything back!” 

Aurora still didn’t take the orb, though her fingertips brushed it. 

“I had thought only death would untie me,” she said slowly. Adam wondered whose death she had thought would do it. “And I suppose this might be nicer.” 

Outside Calla honked. 

“Matthew needs you,” Ronan said. “I need you. Declan needs you.” 

Maybe these were the magic words, because Aurora finally properly moved. She took the orb from Ronan’s hand, held it in her palm for a moment as if weighing it, and then, popped it into her mouth like a large berry, and swallowed it. 

Adam just had to hope that that was what was supposed to happen with it. 

“We’ve got to go,” Ronan said, “I don’t think we have much time.” 

“We don’t,” Aurora agreed. She suddenly looked at Adam, as if only noticing him now for the first time, and smiled. “Ah. This is why, huh?” 

Adam didn’t know what that was supposed to mean. He didn’t know if Ronan did either, except that Ronan’s ears were suddenly red. 

-

They piled back into the car, Aurora sliding into the front seat next to Calla, offering one slim hand in greeting. 

“Thank you for picking us up,” she said. “It’s very kind.” 

Calla’s eyebrows were raised rather dangerously high, but she shook Aurora’s hand back and spoke kindly. “ We got to look out for each other. Buckle up.” 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, huh. Sorry!

They took the back roads. Calla announced to the car at whole that this way the were less likely to pass Niall on the way, less likely to be tracked. Aurora didn’t say anything about this. 

They were barely over ten minutes into the bumpy ride when a phone rang. Adam looked to Ronan, Ronan looked to Calla, and Calla looked to Aurora. 

“Your phone,” Calla prompted, after the phone had rung twice and Aurora hadn’t seemed to notice. 

She startled, glanced around into the backseat, and then pulled her phone from a somewhat hidden pocket in the folds of her flowy skirt. 

She stared for a moment at the phone screen, and then, with it still ringing, she wound down her window and chucked it out. Turning in his seat, Adam could see it bouncing down the road, little bits of plastic skidding off it. 

The car was silent for a long moment before Aurora spoke again. 

“That felt good.” 

Calla laughed, a raucous thing, and she let go of the steering wheel with one hand to punch Aurora’s shoulder very gently. 

“Yeah,” she said, “I promise you it’s even more satisfying when you throw away the ring too.”

-

They got to Fox Way without any further incidents, and the four of them were ushered inside quickly and herded into the already filled to bursting kitchen. 

“Ma!” Matthew cried out, the instant Aurora stepped through the door. 

He had been sitting at the kitchen table, a large piece of pie in front of him, Gansey by his side, but he was already up and in Aurora’s arms, his head buried against Aurora’s shoulder, their curls indistinguishable. 

“Everything went alright?” Gansey asked, also standing up from the table, though moving much slower than Matthew. 

“Yes,” Ronan replied. He was still standing back by the door, watching his brother and mother hug, an odd expression on his face. “I think Niall’s back at the Barns.” 

“He’s been calling here.” Gansey said, then quickly added; “Calling Matthew’s phone. Matthew’s not answered, but - it freaked him out. He called me a few times as well.”

“We will need to speak to him,” Aurora said, withdrawing her face from the mess of curls. “To work things out.” 

“You don’t have to,” Maura offered from the other side of the room. She was stirring some horrible looking tea like substance. “We can call him for you. You’ve got all of us now, Aurora.” 

Aurora glanced around the room before replying to Maura, and her cheeks were a little pink when she spoke. “Forgive me,” she said. “I’m afraid we haven’t met before, have we?” 

“Maura Sargant,” Maura said. She stepped around the table towards Aurora, holding one hand out. “Blue’s mum.” 

“Ah,” Aurora smiled now, released one of her hands from holding Matthew, and shook Maura’s hand. “Of course. You have the same smile. It’s so very kind of you to harbour as, but, I couldn’t ask any of you for more.” 

“Nonsense,” Calla said. She had made her way silently across the kitchen to the liquor shelf and was pouring out what looked like a shot of rum. “Who said anything about asking? We’re offering.” 

“Oh,” Aurora said. “Well.” 

“A fortifying drink, perhaps?” Calla said, held the little glass out towards Aurora. “I find that always helps.” 

“Oh,” Aurora said again. “Well I don’t drink - hm. Actually. Yes. Yes please.” 

Calla handed the glass over, Matthew relinquished his spot in Aurora’s shoulder so as to watch his mother, Aurora downed the shot in one go. Calla clapped her hand on Aurora’s shoulder and took the glass back. 

“I would like to get to be the one to speak to him,” she announced. “Now that I can speak to him without having to be silent when he says so.” 

Adam knew what that was like, and he was ferociously glad that Cabeswater had told him about the key. He had never known Aurora, but it was odd and almost exciting to watch her push down her own walls. 

“But I need to talk to my boys, first,” Aurora continued. She turned slightly and held one arm out to Ronan. Matthew was still tucked under her other arm. “Is there anywhere here we could go talk privately?” 

Ronan had been gripping Adam’s sleeve tightly this whole time, but now he dropped his hand to Adam’s, squeezed it tightly, and left Adam’s side to allow his mother to pull him in against her side. 

“I’ll show you to the reading room,” Maura offered. “Adam, sit down. I’ve made some tea for you to have. Help you get rid of your scrying headache.” 

Adam hadn’t realised his headache had been a scrying one rather than a stress one, but he supposed it made sense. He didn’t really want to drink the tea, though. 

“Thank you ma’am,” he said. 

Maura smiled at him, shepherded the Lynch’s out of the room. Adam collapsed at the table. The room had magically dispersed. Calla had gone out the same time as Maura and the Lynch’s, whatever Sargant or sundry cousins that had been hanging about had left. It was just the four of them; him, Gansey, Blue, and Noah. 

Noah seemed suspiciously quiet. His face was extra pale, and he was sitting quite huddled, his arms around himself. As if Adam had spoken these observations aloud, Noah nodded at him and replied. 

“I think Niall’s dreaming,” he said quietly to the table. “I’m feeling quite - I’m not sure. Faint?” 

“Dreaming?” Gansey asked. “What do you think he’s bringing out? What could he bring out right now?” 

“Anything,” Adam sighed, slumped down against the table top. He was oddly overwhelmingly exhausted. “He could bring out anything, Gansey.” 

“Surely not anything,” Blue said. She’d fetched the tea and slid it across he table towards Adam. “There have to be rules.” 

Adam wasn’t sure if he should divulge this information or not, but it did feel vital to the conversation. “I’m not sure there are,” he said. “Aurora is Niall’s dream. Niall may as well be a god if he can create human life.” 

Gansey’s eyebrows were lost in his still somehow perfectly coiffed hair. Blue looked sick. Noah didn’t look surprised. 

“That’s why we went to the Barns,” Adam mumbled, wrapping his hand around the mug for the warmth and trying not to inhale the fumes. “Not just to  _ get _ her, but to - but to - Ronan dreamed up a key for her. To, I’m not sure. Unlock her from Niall? We went there to give it to her.” 

“Jesus,” Gansey said. 

“I knew there was good reason I hated that man,” Blue muttered. “Is she - did it work? The key? Is she okay?” 

Adam shrugged, accidentally took a sip of the rancid creek water tea and managed not to spit it out. “I’m not sure,” he said once he’d forced his throat to swallow. “It looks like it? I’m not sure what it means. Being a dream. It’s not like she’s not a dream anymore so I’m not sure how much has changed.” 

“I guess we’ll find out,” Gansey said, nodded. 

Adam swallowed again, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. “Where’s Noah?” 

  
  


-

  
  


Once Maura had left them in the reading room, Aurora had hugged Ronan properly, then Matthew again, then pulled Ronan back in for another hug. Only after this did she lead them over to the large squashy couch and sit down, Matthew on one side, Ronan on the other. 

“My loves,” she said. “I know this must be very scary for you both.” 

Matthew nodded. Ronan knew his mother  _ knew _ he was scared, still didn’t want to admit it. He bit his lip instead. 

“And I need to tell you some things that I think you ought to have known a while ago.” 

Matthew nodded again. Ronan’s lip hurt. 

“I know you know this already,” she said to Ronan, turning to look at him before turning back to Matthew. “But Matty, you know how Niall and Ronan both have their special power?” 

Ronan had never really talked about dreaming with Matthew. It had seemed taboo somehow. He knew Matthew knew about it, but how much detail Matthew knew? How much he understood? Ronan had no idea. 

Matthew nodded. 

“When they bring something out of their dream, it’s very special. It’s not like going to the store and buying something. It  _ belongs _ to them. It’s part of them. Does that make sense?” 

“Mm.” 

“And so if a person was brought out of a dream, the person would be - would be - would be very connected to them. Wouldn’t they?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Some - some dreamers don’t control their dreams. They let them go to do whatever they like. Like Ronan’s little bedroom stars? How he dreamed them and they float around how they want?” 

Matthew smiled, nodded. 

“Other dreamers don’t. They always want to be in charge of their dreams. To know what they’re doing.” 

Matthew wasn’t smiling anymore. 

“Niall brought me out of one of his dreams,” Aurora said, very gently. “And he never let go of me.” 

Ronan wasn’t sure he was capable of watching his younger brother learn this. Of seeing Matthew realise just how much of his life had been a lie. He looked away, eyes on his knees, stinging with tears. He wondered if Aurora would tell them next that Matthew was one of Niall’s dreams as well. Ronan ought to have dreamed two keys, but there had only been one. 

“I didn’t know until recently,” Aurora continued, voice still very gentle. “That dreamers could let go. But I know now.” 

“I don’t want you to talk to him,” Matthew said suddenly. He sounded very tearful. Ronan still couldn’t look. “I don’t want him to talk to you. You’re with us now and what if he asks you to come back? I don’t want you to go.” 

“No fear, dear heart,” Aurora soothed. Ronan could imagine her smoothing back Matthew’s curls. “Ronan dreamed something amazing. A little key, can you imagine? A little glowing key. It unlocked the gate in my garden and let me out into the world!” 

It sounded like she was referring to an inside joke with Matthew. A little fantasy just the two of them shared. 

“Really?” Matthew still sounded tearful. 

“Truly,” Aurora said. “I can feel it. I don’t feel him in the back of my head anymore. It’s just me here.” 

Ronan shuddered despite himself. His mind flung at him the memory of the little bugs that had been on him, that Niall had stuck on him. Probing into his mind without him even noticing. The idea of feeling it made him feel sick. 

Aurora put her hand on his knee. “Darling?” 

“It really worked?” Ronan asked, let himself look now, to gaze up at his mother’s face. “You don’t - you’re fine?” 

“I am,” Aurora said firmly. “You did so well.” 

He always forgot how good it felt to have his mother praise him. He smiled. Then he remembered there was more coming. More to ruin Matthew’s life. He stopped smiling. 

“Yes,” Aurora said, like she knew exactly what Ronan was thinking. “This is news for both of you, this bit.” 

Ronan didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t. He didn’t want to butt in, anyway. 

“You remember how I said, just now, that some dreamers let go? Let their dreams live?” 

Matthew nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Stars.” 

“Yes. And being a dream shouldn’t effect them badly at all. It just gives them a - a connection to the dreamer. A little extra love. Like how Ronan’s stars want to be in the room he’s in, even when you put some in your room?” 

“They always went back to his, yeah.” 

“You’re like one of those pretty little stars,” Aurora said. She cupped Matthew’s cheek. “You’re a sweet little dream, my darling.” 

Ronan returned to staring at his knees. At Aurora’s hand on his knee. 

“And you were dreamed by a sweet little dreamer,” Aurora continued. “You know how I’ve always said you were a happy surprise baby? You really were.” 

“I don’t understand,” Matthew said, voicing Ronan’s thoughts. 

“On your birthday, nearly sixteen years ago, I woke up and found you, a little baby dream, newly dreamed in Ronan’s bed. Little three year old Ronan.” 

This was insane. Aurora squeezed his leg gently, and he looked up again, aware that he was gaping but unable to help himself. 

“You were both so perfect,” Aurora continued, almost wistful. “Ronan never wanted to keep you just for himself, you were always free. He told me that he just wanted to give you a hug in his dream but he’d loved you too much to let go.” 

Ronan had no recollection of this at all. How could he have dreamed Matthew? Three year olds have no clue how humans work.Was Matthew a functioning human or did he just appear to be one because Ronan wished him to be? He had no clue. He wondered if Aurora did. 

“I’m not your baby?” Matthew asked, his whole voice a tremble, and Ronan couldn’t keep the tears in his eyes anymore. “I’m not yours?” 

“Oh darling,” Aurora sighed, and Ronan watched through blurry eyes as she pulled him in for a tight hug. “You’re mine. I’m your mama. You’ve always been my baby, and you always will. It doesn’t matter where you came from.” 

Matthew sniffed, clung tightly. With one hand he reached for Ronan, which was the exact opposite of what Ronan thought would happen now. His own mind was still spinning wildly, but he didn’t think Matthew would - would accept it so willingly. He let Matthew pull him into the tight hug, clung on as well to his mother. 

“This doesn’t change anything,” Aurora said, voice firm. “You’re both my boys. I just wanted you to know. I don’t want us to have such big secrets hanging over our heads anymore.” 

“What about Declan?” Matthew asked, “Is he a dream?” 

“No,” Aurora shook her head, pressed a kiss to Matthew’s forehead. “The three of you are all so different. We need to bring him to us.” 

“Does he know?” Ronan asked. “About Matthew and me?” 

“He does. He saw Ronan with you, Matty,” Aurora said. “It’s weighed very heavily on him. He’s always been worried that something would go wrong with it.” 

Ronan was worried something would go wrong with it. 

“But nothing will,” Aurora added firmly. “And once we have Declan with us, everything will be just fine.” 

  
  


-

Ronan would very much like to believe his mother. That everything was going to be easy and fine and well. That she could talk to Niall and smooth everything out, and Declan would come to them and they would never have to worry again. 

The moment they arrived back into the kitchen, rejoining his friends, minus  _ Adam _ , Gansey spoke. 

“Niall’s dreaming,” he said. “Noah’s disappeared, it’s too much pressure on him.” 

“Where’s Adam?” Ronan asked, because how was he supposed to deal with the fear of what his father might be pulling into existence if Adam wasn’t there to hold his hand? 

“He went to the bathroom,” Blue volunteered, her eyes narrowed. “But I think he might be - you might want to check on him.” 

“Constipation?” Matthew asked, voice heavy with empathy. 

Aurora had been holding Ronan’s hand, but she squeezed it and let go now, and he left the kitchen again. He had a vague idea of where the bathroom was, and he headed towards it quickly. He wasn’t sure why he was panicked, but he was.    
  
The bathroom door wasn’t locked. Neither did Adam respond to Ronan’s quick knock on the door. Panic made him open the door without an answer, and he was glad he had. 

Adam was scrying.  _ Alone _ . 

He was bent over the bathroom sink, the water in the sink a dark muddy colour, vaguely smelling like a creek mixed with black tea. His hands were gripping the porcelain so tightly that his fingers were all white, his knuckles looked like they would break through his skin. 

His face was pale as well, colourless in fact, and although his face was downturned towards the muddy water, his reflection in the mirror was staring out at himself, eyes nothing but their whites. 

Ronan swore. 

He didn’t know what any of this meant but he didn’t believe it meant anything good. He grabbed onto Adam’s arms, and swore again. Adam was  _ cold _ . How long could he have been up here? A few minutes? Ten minutes? How  _ long _ had he overstayed his scry? 

“Adam,” he said, said it louder. Shook Adam’s arm. “ _ Adam _ .” 

Adam didn’t respond. Didn’t move. His grip on the sink didn’t lessen. Ronan couldn’t go get help, couldn’t leave Adam. He ought to yell for help, scream for it, but his voice was stuck in his throat, terror forcing it down. Adam was so cold. Adam was so cold. 

Blue was behind him. He saw her in the mirror. Hadn’t comprehended her being there even while she pulled out a blade. Couldn’t make his body work until after she’d snapped that blade against Adam’s bare arm. 

He put his hand out a millisecond too late to protect Adam from the cut, got the backswing instead, his palm earning a slice straight across it, stinging with the sharpness. 

“What the  _ fuck _ !” He managed to say, and then no more, because Adam’s reflection was properly his own again.

Adam and his reflection were blinking, were pulling away from the sink, were tumbling towards Ronan, and Adam was away from the mirror and only in Ronan’s arms, and his arm was bleeding, and he was still cold, cold, cold, but he was breathing harsh and heavy and Ronan could feel his heart beating hard and - 

“Mum told me it could work. Sometimes. If someone is too deep in a scry,” Blue explained, wiping the blade of what Ronan could now see was a bright pink butterfly knife on her overalls pants. “The shock of it can bring them out. Sorry, Adam.” 

“S’okay,” Adam mumbled, face pressed damply against Ronan’s neck. 

“But it was a dick move going off to scry by yourself without warning,” Blue added. “You could have died!” 

“Sorry,” Adam mumbled again, blinked hard, his lashes tickling Ronan’s skin, spreading warm wet tears with their movement. “I wasn’t thinking.” 

“Obviously,” Ronan grumbled, couldn’t put any venom in his words, only his relief was bleeding through his voice. He tightened his arms around Adam, tried not to imagine what might have happened if Blue hadn’t turned up. 

“He’s put Declan in a dream,” Adam said, voice hoarse. “He’s put Declan in a dream, Ronan.” 

So much had happened in the last hour. In the last few minutes. Ronan’s brain hurt with the effort of keeping everything together. He felt sluggish and dimwitted, but he still knew what he had to do. 

“Blue,” Ronan said, “I’ll patch Adam up.” 

It wasn’t an outright request for her to leave, but he was glad she realised that that was what he meant. She nodded. The door shut behind her. 

Ronan felt like time was treacle. Or like quicksand. Or like nothing at all. Everything felt out of body and odd. He wondered vaguely if he was having a little bit of a panic attack. Adam was saying his name. 

“Plasters are in the cupboard,” Ronan said, bringing himself out of himself enough to remember what he wanted to do first. “You’re bleeding a lot.” 

“So are you,” Adam said. He was somehow out of Ronan’s arms, kneeling down in front of the cupboard which was already open, sorting through boxes of plasters and ointments. “Sit down.” 

Ronan sat down. The floor was a little damp. Gross. 

He had meant to be the one to be plastering Adam up, but instead it was Adam with his hands gentle against Ronan’s skin, wiping the blood from his palm and covering it with a plaster, then a few more to help the plaster stick onto his hand properly. 

Ronan watched while Adam plastered himself. 

“What’s your plan, then?” Adam asked, voice low. “I know you have one. A bad one.” 

This was true. 

“What do you mean by Declan’s in a dream?” 

Adam shrugged. His eyebrows were drawn together, his attention was still on his own arm. 

“Scrying isn’t very black and white,” he said. “It’s a lot of - a lot of feelings and…  _ knowing _ shit. I was - I think I was in Niall’s dream. Watching him tie Declan up into it. I don’t know how it worked. But he saw me. I think he was - I think he was trying to tie me up into it too.” 

“So Declan isn’t physically in the dream?” 

“I don’t  _ know _ .” 

“I want to go to Cabeswater,” Ronan said. “Because I think I can find a divide in there that’ll let us get into the dream.” 

“You  _ think _ .” 

“Dreaming isn’t black and white either.” 

“Right.” 

“I don’t want to tell the others.” 

“Lynch.” 

“No,” Ronan shook his head. “Listen. They’re all going to want to do this the legal way. Gansey’s probably already thinking about all the lawyers his family knows. Get police involved. Other people involved. Mum isn’t going to want to let me do anything that could be dangerous. She isn’t even going to want me to leave the house without her right now. I know my dad, as much as I wish I fucking didn’t. I know how he dreams. I’ve been in his dreams too. I’ve got to do this.” 

“I’m pretty sure your logic is lacking somewhere,” Adam said, “but so is mine, because I can’t figure out where, yet.” 

“I don’t want mum to go anywhere near him again. If he can put  _ Declan _ into a dream, what if he can put mum back in one?” 

“Ronan.” 

“You don’t have to come.” 

“Fuck you,” Adam said. “I’m coming with you.” 


	20. Chapter 20

They took Calla’s car. Adam thought it was probably the safest bet to get them there without breaking down. And Calla would probably refrain from murdering them so long as they brought it back in one piece. So long as they came back in one piece. So long as they came back. 

He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t have time to think about that. All he could afford to think about right now was what they were going to do once they reached Cabeswater. About reaching across the seats to rest his hand against Ronan’s knuckles on the gear stick, unsure whether he was urging Ronan to slow down a little, or encouraging him to speed on. 

  
  


-

Cabeswater was odd when they arrived. The air felt… sticky. Ronan took Adam’s hand in his the moment they were close enough, and his hand was cold and sweaty all at once. 

“How far in do you think you need to go?” Adam asked, keeping his voice low because it felt like anything or anyone could overhear him. 

“I’ll recognise it,” Ronan said, somewhat unhelpfully. “You’ll feel it.” 

Adam didn’t doubt it. 

  
  


-

He wondered if those they’d left at Fox Way would have realised they were gone yet. The two of them had walked down the stairway and straight out of the door without being noticed, relying on the constant noise and creaking of the house to keep their movements unknown. If anyone had noticed them, they hadn’t tried to stop them, or speak to them. 

Blue and Gansey would be pissed, Adam was sure. He wasn’t so sure what Aurora would think. He knew Matthew would be scared. 

  
  


-

They had only walked a short while, yet, the forest around them was already unrecognisable. He was used to Cabeswater chopping and changing the way it looked, playing with space and time like a kitten with a bug, but - 

It was as if Cabeswater was funnelling them in to the depth of itself. As if it had warped every twisting path into one short and sharp one that led straight into all the oddness it was capable of holding. 

Through the trees Adam caught glimpses of shining lights, of flickering movements, shapes like deer darting in the distance. They were surrounded by bird call, and the thunder of waterfalls, the hum of rain on a high roof. He couldn’t see any water, there were no obvious birds in the trees. The path under their feet was snowy, ice crunching loudly under his trainers. The trees were in full bloom. 

  
  


-

Ronan was holding his hand so tightly it almost hurt. He wasn’t speaking. His head was down as if he didn’t want to look at his surroundings and be distracted. The tops of his Docs were brushed yellow with pollen. 

“Ronan,” Adam whispered. He didn’t have anything to say, nothing in particular to point out, no warning to give, it was just - he just wanted to be comforting and didn’t know how else to give it out. 

Ronan paused in his steady strides, lifted his eyes to Adam’s. 

Adam shook his head. The path was a shallow stream. 

“What?” 

“Nothing,” Adam breathed, shook his head again. “I just - just wanted to let you know that I’m here.” 

“Dipshit,” Ronan said, but his voice was soft, his face relieved. He squeezed Adam’s fingers. 

The path under their feet spun, or - it didn’t move at all but their surroundings appeared to become a vortex of whirling leaves, trees, plant matter. It spun out entirely, spreading itself slowly down around them like unfolding a picnic rug. 

They stood in the middle of a clearing, clutching tightly to one another, as trees gathered themselves into bunches, and the stream of the path twisted away from them to become a river, climbing up a hill looming to their right, then crashing down in a massive waterfall. They were surrounded by tall, dry grass, and before them stood what looked like a run down cottage. 

It was in the style of the small sheds at the Barns, the roof the same colour, the walls the same texture. It was raining heavily over the building, and only, over the building. 

“Declan’s in there,” Ronan said. 

Adam didn’t bother asking how Ronan knew this, he felt the same surety about it. 

“It could be a trap,” he pointed out. 

Ronan paused, his whole body vibrating as if with the effort of not running over to the cottage and throwing the door open. “I don’t think Niall knows about Cabeswater,” he said slowly. “And I don’t think Cabeswater would  _ let _ him trap me. I think. I think this is just the embodiment of his dream.” 

-

The door to the cottage opened with difficulty, it took the both of them taking turns ramming their shoulders against it for it to crunch open rather than just giving a little with each push. 

The interior of the cottage was the Barn’s kitchen. Exactly as Adam had seen in his scrying earlier. Exactly as he had seen Aurora and Matthew as well. Exactly as it was at the real Barns. Declan was sitting at the table, his head down, pillowed on his arms. 

Unlike Matthew and Aurora in the same situation, Declan was asleep. He didn’t budge when Ronan rushed to his side, shook his shoulder. 

“Adam?” Ronan’s voice was hoarse, and Adam stepped quickly over from the doorway to the table and the Lynch brothers. 

He touched Ronan’s hand first, and then lifted his hand to Declan’s neck, felt for his pulse. 

“He’s just sleeping,” he reassured Ronan. “But I don’t know why - he - your mum and Matthew were awake in this kitchen, and - huh.” 

“Huh?” Ronan prompted. He poked Declan in the cheek as if that might wake him. 

“Declan’s not a dream,” Adam said. 

“So?” 

“So I don’t know,” Adam shrugged. “Stupid dream logic? Matty and your mum are dreams so they can be awake in Cabeswater but Declan isn’t so he can’t?” 

“We’re awake,” Ronan pointed out, “and neither of us are dreams.” 

“I don’t know, then.” 

“Could still be why he’s asleep though,” Ronan grunted. “Not a dream. Being put in a dream. Maybe he’d wake up if we took him out of it?” 

“Sure,” Adam said. “But if Niall doesn’t know about Cabeswater than Declan isn’t actually  _ here _ is he? Is he physically here? Could he have actually put Declan in a dream? Or is this just like, uh, a figment of Declan? Would we have to wake his physical body?” 

“Fuck” Ronan groaned. “Why does this shit always have to be so goddamned complicated?” 

“Maybe it isn’t.” 

Ronan groaned again, pulled one of the kitchen chairs away from the table and sat down. 

Adam had a sudden fear that sitting at the table would pull Ronan into the same deep sleep as Declan. 

Thankfully this fear seemed to be unfounded as Ronan sighed again, and shuffled the chair around until he was balancing it on two legs while he stared at his unconscious brother. 

“We could try taking him out of the kitchen,” Ronan suggested. “See if that does anything.” 

“If he isn’t really here maybe it would wake him up where he really is,” Adam agreed. “Worth a shot.” 

“You don’t think it’d kill him, yeah?” Ronan asked. His tone was casual, as was the way he rocked on his chair, but his face was taut and frightened. 

“I don’t think so,” Adam said. “How can we check?” 

Ronan stood up very suddenly, his chair spinning a little with the momentum. He grabbed it by the top of it and carried it over to the door. He thrust it through the still open door and Adam came to stand by his side as the both of them watched the chair bounce out onto the ground, catch on some long grass, and topple over. 

It didn’t burst into flames, or melt, or simply cease to exist. That was a good sign, Adam supposed. 

“I don’t know if that actually proves anything,” Ronan said grumpily. 

“Maybe we ought to have brought Blue and Gansey,” Adam sighed. “I feel like they could help.” 

“I’m not risking them here,” Ronan grunted. 

He cast Adam a somewhat shamed look, and Adam’s hand found itself immediately reaching for Ronan’s cheek, cupping his face, pulling him closer. 

“Stop feeling guilty,” Adam said, voice low. “For wanting me here. I want to be here too.” 

Ronan shut his eyes, pressed his face hard against Adam’s face. Neither of them commented on the single tear that dripped down Ronan’s face and onto Adam’s hand. 

“You dreamed a cure for your mum,” Adam said. “What about trying to dream something here for Declan? If we’re - if we’re in a dream, would you even need to be asleep to manifest something?” 

Ronan opened his eyes, appeared to be gazing off into the distance, unfocused and contemplative. Adam waited. 

The air around them seemed almost to hum. It  _ didn’t _ , but it felt like it wanted to. A pair of elegantly tooled shoes seemed to drop out of nowhere onto the table top. Leather, and shiny, they looked expensive, their soles solid. 

Ronan and Adam blinked at them. 

“Shoes?” 

“I don’t know,” Ronan grunted. “I just - fuck - I was looking for something to help.” 

“They do look like Declan shoes,” Adam said. He finally dropped his hand from Ronan’s cheek, only now becoming aware that it had still been cupping Ronan’s face. “What do you think they’re supposed to do?” 

“Fuck if I know,” Ronan said. Wiped at his face, quickly erasing any remnants of his tear. “Maybe the smell of leather is supposed to wake him up.” 

Adam frowned, let his eyes unfocus slightly, then focus again hoping something important would come into sight with his refocus. It did. 

“Declan’s not wearing shoes,” Adam pointed out. “Just socks.” 

“He never does that,” Ronan grunted. “I swear he wears shoes to bed.” 

“Right,” Adam felt like he was about to sound like he was in English class, translating a piece of prose-y text. “So. He’s vulnerable, isn’t he? If he always wears shoes? He can’t get out? So if he has shoes maybe he can leave?” 

Ronan snorted. 

“I don’t want to put the shoes on him.” 

Adam nudged his hip. Ronan stepped away from Adam, took the shoes. He knelt down by the table, and, half underneath it, put them on Declan with apparent ease. The shoes seeming to fit perfectly, as if they wanted to be on Declan’s feet. He tied the bow on the second shoe, and it was as if he had breathed life into a creature. Declan’s whole body seemed to jolt, and Ronan jerked backwards, knocking his head a little on the underside of the table before sliding out properly from underneath it on his ass. 

Declan hadn’t woken up, something had happened, but he hadn’t woken up. 

“What now?” Ronan had begun to say, when Declan disappeared. 

“Oh,” Adam said. 

“Fuck,” Ronan agreed. 

The room around them faded away. The table and chairs fading as suddenly as Declan had, and then the floor and ceiling melting away leaving Ronan sitting in grass. It was as if the walls had never existed. 

They were in the same clearing as before, but it was as if some of the trees had slid aside, revealing another path. A path remarkably similar to the driveway of the Barns. Adam didn’t point it out, Ronan was already staring at it. 

-

“We’re not in Cabeswater anymore, right?” Adam checked, his hand sweaty in Ronan’s. 

They were halfway up the drive, and glances behind them showed only the usual scenery from the Barns driveway. No sign of Cabeswater. Cars drove past below them on the road. 

“I don’t know the answer to that anymore than you,” Ronan grunted. 

Adam opened his mouth, probably to reply with something sarcastic or vaguely annoyed, but the shouting further up the drive stopped him. 

It stopped Ronan as well, for a half moment, and then he was running, his hand still in Adam’s hand, dragging him along behind him. 

It was Declan’s voice, Declan yelling. And another voice. A man’s voice. Niall’s voice. Yelling back at him. 

Adam desperately did not want to see Niall. He did not want to be here. He did not want Niall to even get a chance to glance at Ronan. He clutched tighter to Ronan’s hand and matched his pace as they ran up the last curve before the Barns and nearly ran straight into Declan who was marching down the drive. 

“Ronan!” Declan snapped, taken aback, and then immediately pissed. “The hell are you doing here?” 

“Coming for you!” Ronan snapped back, just as immediately pissed off. 

Despite their harsh tones, Declan was gripping onto Ronan’s shoulders like a life line, and Ronan was holding the front of Declan’s shirt tightly as if just by holding on o each other they could be safe. 

“Can everyone calm down!” Niall yelled, only a few metres behind Declan, “you’re all making some thoughtless mistake.” 

Now Adam was also pissed off. 

“Ronan,” Niall called. “I know you’re scared. I should have told you more. That’s on me. But it doesn’t mean you need to run away. I’m your  _ father _ .” 

It was as if Ronan were frozen, so still he was. 

Declan stepped closer still. He dropped one hand from Ronan’s shoulder and twisted Ronan’s hand out of his shirt, held on to it tightly. Adam couldn’t be sure if this was so he could hold Ronan back, or, if it was what Adam was doing, holding Ronan’s hand for the sake of comfort. 

Niall had paused, was holding both his hands out entreatingly. 

“Ronan,” Niall said again. The way he said it made it come out more like the word  _ mine _ . “Ronan come on, son. Come home.” 

“We have to go, Ronan,” Declan said. “Did you bring a car? Let’s go. Don’t listen to him.” 

It was like Niall was a siren. Ronan stood stock still, as if all his attention were taken up with Niall’s presence. As if he couldn’t hear Declan. Couldn’t feel Adam beside him. 

Niall stepped closer. 

“Your mother will come home if you do,” Niall said softly. “So will Matthew. We can be a family again, don’t you want that? I know you want that.” 

Ronan shook his head, almost imperceptibly. 

“Look at Adam,” Niall said, “trying to hold you back. Declan too. You don’t need them, do you?” 

Adam did not let go of Ronan’s hand. Ronan did not loosen his grip on Adam. 

“I know you’ve found a source of - of magic, Ronan,” Niall said. “I know you don’t understand it properly. I know you  _ want _ to. Show me it. I’ll help you.” 

Ronan closed his eyes. 

“Take me to the source, son. It belongs to us both. I can help you.” 

“Don’t  _ listen _ to him,” Declan hissed, “Ronan, please. Come on.” 

Adam didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what to say. If this was his father, Adam would be turning and leaving. But, if this was his father, he might have a gun to shoot Adam in the back with. Adam didn’t know if Niall had a gun, but he had dreams he turned into listening devices and shackles, so. A gun might be nicer in this occasion. More straight forward. 

He didn’t know how to help, but he thought, he hoped, that maybe Cabeswater would. 

Niall stepped closer again, somehow already so close. He reached out, hand going for Ronan, both his sons unmoving despite Declan’s obvius distress. Adam’s hand shot out, ready to push Niall away, ready to grab his wrist and twist it in the opposite direction. 

His hand shot out and it was as if the forest they had left at the bottom of the driveway suddenly caught up with them. It poured in around them, vines tangling, leaves brushing, grass pushing up under their feet. 

Ronan jolted, as if a spell had been broken. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I don’t know,” Adam admitted. He didn’t. He didn’t know if Cabeswater had moved to them, or if they had moved to Cabeswater. He thought it must be the former because Niall was still with them and  _ he _ didn’t belong here.

“The hell,” Declan said, deadpan. 

“Oh,” Niall breathed. “Is this it? How beautiful.” 

Adam’s stomach seethed with anger. It was beautiful. But it wasn’t supposed to be beautiful for  _ him _ . It wasn’t for Niall. 

“Let me show you the source of it all,” Ronan said then, his voice hoarse, his whole body shaking. He hadn’t been shaking like this on the driveway, or in the kitchen. “It’s deeper into the forest.” 

Niall had been bending slightly to look at a gnarled tree root by his foot, but now he straightened up looking pleased. 

“Good man,” he said. 

Adam had no clue what Ronan was referring to as a source of power. Had no clue what Ronan’s plan was. If he really even had one. Declan looked sick. 

Cabeswater apparently knew Ronan’s plan,though, because, as it had before, a path opened up, and guided them gently elsewhere. 

It was somewhat awkward to walk down the path in a chain of three, which was why, Adam thought at first, Ronan let go of Declan’s hand, and then, after squeezing his hand tightly, Adam’s, and stepped ahead of them. 

Niall stepped past Adam and Declan as if they were just another pebble on the path. He didn’t even glance at Declan. Niall fell in step beside Ronan, slung his arm around Ronan’s shoulder, faking geniality. Adam could see how heavy it weighed on Ronan, how his whole body was taut and curved. 

Ronan had to have a plan, surely? Adam had to resist the urge to step forwards and push Niall down onto the ground, off of Ronan. Ronan had to have a plan. Declan’s face was emotionless, pale. His jaw was twitching, his eyes glassy. 

Niall had his head bent down towards Ronan, and the words he whispered were too low for Adam to make out. Nevertheless, he could sense their vitriol and he had to clench his hands into fists. 

“I can’t wait,” Niall said, speaking in normal tones now - though his normal appeared to be a booming speech intended for large audiences - “for the two of us to properly explore this place, Ronan. We can really mine the power in this place, harness it!” 

Ronan didn’t reply, and Adam watched as Niall shook his arm around Ronan’s shoulders, jerking Ronan’s whole body. Ronan stumbled slightly on the path. 

Ronan had to have a plan. 

_ Please, Cabeswater _ he thought, working on making his thoughts as loud as possible for Cabeswater to hear,  _ Give me a sign you’re not going to let Niall have him _ . 

There was a flash of red between trees, and after a moment of confusion Adam recognised it for what it was. 

Noah’s old abandoned Mustang. It wasn’t where it was supposed to be, unless this path they were on now had curved its way around space to be here. Seeing it didn’t fill Adam with relief. One of his friends had already died in this forest, for the magic here. Was this meant to tell Adam that Ronan would die here too? 

“Ronan,” Adam said, unable to hold in the word. 

Everyone stopped.

“I must admit,” Niall said, speaking though it was not his place. “I am surprised to see you here, Adam. After everything you did to Ronan? Isn’t it good for you how forgiving he is.” 

Ronan was looking away from his father. Away from Adam. Away from Declan. Deep into the forest ahead of them as if he could see where the path ended even through the dense trees. 

“Still,” Niall continued. “A deal is a deal, isn’t it? I suppose once we’re finished here I ought to go give your school and workplaces a quick visit, shouldn’t I?” 

Adam couldn’t bring himself to care about that right now. It could fill him with dread later, but right now? Right now Ronan was what mattered, and he wouldn’t even look at Adam. 

“We’re close,” Ronan said, “I can feel it.” 

“Oh yes,” said Niall. “So can I.” 

They began moving again. Adam’s mind full of the red mustang. Of the memory of Noah’s bones. Of the betrayal that seemed to happen over and over in this place. Of the blood that kept the trees so lush. He wanted to scream. Cabeswater was rustling loudly and incomprehensibly in his ears. 

Declan took his hand, and the rustling stopped abruptly. No - it didn’t stop. The rushing incomprehensibleness of it stopped. Clinging tightly to Declan’s hand, breathing in and out deeply and slowly, the words whispered by Cabeswater dropped easily into his mind. 

_ Iustitia. Justice.  _

Glancing up at Declan found Declan staring straight ahead, eyes fixed on Ronan’s back. Adam couldn’t tell from his expression if he’d taken Adam’s hand for his own comfort, or if he had somehow noticed before Adam had, that Adam was on the verge of a panic attack. Either way, the surprise and the solidity of it had grounded him back to reality. 

He still didn’t understand what Cabeswater was trying to tell him, but - but he was less afraid. 

Less afraid until they stopped again and Ronan, his voice tired and stiff announced that they had arrived. 

It was the hollow tree they had found so long ago now. A nightmare tree, a prophecy tree, some twisted figment of Cabeswater’s imagination. 

Ronan stepped away from his father, pulling himself out from under the weight of his arm, and brushed his knuckles against the opening of the tree. 

“You step in here,” he said. “And it’ll show you what you need to know.” 

“So it’s the power source?” Niall asked. He didn’t move forwards. 

Ronan hesitated before he nodded, and Niall didn’t ignore the hesitation. 

“Are you trying to trap me in something?” He asked, and Adam could hear the smile in his voice. “You think you can just stuff me into a tree?” 

Ronan shook his head. Niall ignored it. 

“Ronan,” he said gently, “how do you think I’m so successful in life if I fall for every simple trap that’s laid out for me? You’ve got to be smarter than that to outwit me. I’m disappointed, really, I expect more of you.” 

Ronan shook his head again. 

“How about we put Adam in the tree?” Niall said, he half turned towards Adam, still watching Ronan, but reaching out with one large hand towards Adam. “Hm?” 

Adam exhaled heavily, pulled his hand out of Declan’s and smacked Niall’s hand away. 

“Sure,” he said. “Though you really want me to have that kind of power? You think that’s wise?” 

Now Niall turned to look at him, still smiling his stupid arrogant smile. 

“I think you’re clever,” Niall said to him. “But even your cleverness is no match for mine. I can see through your bluff. Just look at Ronan, he doesn’t want you to get in the tree. Anyway. Power can’t just be given to anyone.” 

Adam would have liked to show Niall that he did in fact have power. He would have liked to ask Cabeswater to wrap him in vines. To sting him with thorns. He would have liked to tackle him and wrestle him onto the mossy ground, never mind that he knew Niall would definitely win the physical fight. Adam wasn’t weak. He wasn’t naive.    
He would have liked to, but Ronan drew his attention away. 

He stepped straight into the tree. 

“Dad,” he said, pulling Niall’s gaze back to him, their eyes meeting briefly before Ronan closed his. 

His face twisted in discomfort and Adam could imagine all too well the things he could be seeing. The horrors he was being shown. His own experience in that tree pressed against him and he pushed it down hard, kept his eyes on Ronan. He still didn’t understand what was supposed to happen now. What Ronan’s plan was. 

Ronan stumbled out of three tree as if he had been pushed, his head bowed, panting. Niall stepped forward, one hand out to Ronan, and then paused as Ronan lifted his head. 

Ronan’s eyes were… glowing. He blinked hard a few times and the glow subsided. 

“There,” he said. “It’s safe. It’s powerful.” 

Niall cocked his head to one side. 

“Dad,” Ronan said, his voice hoarse. “I can’t hurt you. I can’t. And I won’t. I swear that you will be safe in that tree.” 

Adam wasn’t sure if it was the rawness of Ronan’s voice that convinced Niall, or the glowing of his eyes, or simply the fact that everyone knew Ronan didn’t like lies. Either way. Niall nodded. Clapped Ronan hard on the shoulder, and stepped past him into the tree. 

  
  


The moment Niall had fit himself into the hollow, Ronan dropped his head down again and hissed; “Clausas.”  _ Shut _ . 

The tree sealed itself. It happened in an instant. The old gaping, worn down hollow grew over with fresh green growth like a wave coming in.

“Conserva,” Ronan said loudly. The trees around them swayed, creaking loudly. “Hostias.”

Then he threw up. Bent double, he threw up into the scrubbly bushes by the path, clutching his stomach. 

Adam stepped up behind him, rubbed his hand up Ronan’s spine, then held back Ronan’s curls. They weren’t really in danger of getting vomit on them, but better safe than sorry. It wasn’t like Ronan even had that much to throw up, mostly stomach bile and fear apparently. After a moment he spat a few times, and then twisted to press himself against Adam. Adam didn’t even care that Ronan definitely wiped his mouth on Adam’s shirt shoulder. 

“What the fuck just happened.” 

Declan hadn’t moved from where Adam had left him, and though he spoke loudly, when Adam turned his head to look, his arms were wrapped around himself as if he were trying to make himself look small. 

Ronan didn’t answer, just pressed his face in harder against Adam’s shirt. 

“Tell me he’s not dead,” Declan said, voice cracking. “He’s not dead, right?” 

Ronan shook his head but made no more answer. 

“Ronan!” Declan snapped, “What the hell did you do?”

“Ronan?” Adam tried. He pushed Ronan’s hair back so it wasn’t in his face as he looked down at Ronan. “What now?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Ronan,” Declan snapped, and now he was stepping forwards. “What did you do? Why the hell didn’t you tell us what you were doing?” 

“Oh I’m so fucking sorry,” Ronan snapped back, pulling himself out of Adam’s arms to snarl more effectively at Declan. “That I didn’t take you two aside in front of  _ him _ to tell you my goddamned plan.” 

“You could have at least tried to hint to us that you  _ knew _ what you were doing!” 

“I didn’t know what I was doing!” 

“What the hell, Ronan!” Declan threw his arms up in frustration. “Than you should have let us help! Goddamn it.” 

“I just saved you,” Ronan snarled, “can’t you be at least a little bit fucking grateful?” 

Declan looked like he was going to growl right back, but instead, he inhaled unsteadily and stepped forward again to grab Ronan and drag him into a tight and messy hug. Ronan didn’t hesitate to hug him back. 

“What now?” Declan asked after a few moments, echoing Adam’s previous question. 

Ronan shook his head. Took a few moments to breathe loudly, and then spoke. 

“I asked Cabeswater to - to keep him… safe. In there. As a - like - uh. Like a power source. When I was in there it showed me - it let me know - it - fuck.” 

He pulled away from Declan, took a step back, and ran his hands through his hair. Stared at the sealed tree. There was no noise coming from it and Adam wondered if it was because they just couldn’t  _ hear _ or if Niall was unconscious. 

“So,” Declan said. “He’s stuck in there. But he’s not dead?” 

“He shouldn’t be dead,” Ronan mumbled. “That’s not what I asked for.” 

Personally, Adam didn’t think Niall being dead would be so bad in the long run. 

“He better not be,” Declan said, “because if he is mum is.” 

“What?” Ronan shook his head. “No.” 

“Yes,” Declan insisted. “The dream dies when the dreamer does - oh, fucking shit. Did you know already? About mum?” 

“Yes,” Ronan said, still shaking his head. “And I know now about me and Matthew. But. I gave mum a - a key to unlock her. She - that’s why she left with us. She doesn’t belong to him anymore.” 

Declan took a moment to think, and then he shook his head as well. 

“I don’t know, then,” he said. “If she still needs him to be alive to live.” 

  
  


-

Leaving Cabeswater was oddly easy. It was as if the trees simply spat them right out next to Calla’s car.

“Whose car is this?” Declan asked. “It’s ugly.” 

“Calla’s,” Adam answered. He was suddenly bone tired like his marrow had been drained. “We stole it.” 

“Ah,” Declan said. “Give me the keys.” 

“What? No.” Ronan frowned at Declan, fished the keys out of his jeans pocket and attempted to put them in the keyhole. He missed. 

“Give me the keys.” 

Ronan gave Declan the keys. 

It was a little crazy really how Declan could be so calm right now. How his hands weren’t shaking at all. Back in the driveway and in the forest Adam had thought he’d glimpsed Declan really truly frightened, and even then he was still, for the most part, composed. He couldn’t decide if he wished he were more like Declan, or if he hoped he would grow to be less like him. Ronan hid his fear as well, but he was - he had been growing more open about them. Adam knew Ronan preferred Adam to do the same. 

Declan drove them to Fox Way. Ronan and Adam sat in the backseat, too tired to do anything but slump against each other and listen as Ronan’s phone vibrated on and off with texts pouring in now they were back in reception. 

Adam could guess what most of these texts would be, and he was sure Ronan could too. Neither of them made any move to retrieve the phone to look. 

  
  


-

  
  


The first thing they saw upon pulling up to Fox Way was Aurora standing on the steps, and this, finally, seemed to break Declan’s carefully constructed calm facade. He made an odd gasping noise, and parked the car roughly, screeching the brakes loudly.

Aurora hurried down the steps towards them, and behind her spilled everyone else. Declan didn’t move to open his door. Ronan flung the back door open and all but exploded out of the car. 

“You frightened me half to death!” Aurora scolded him even as she pulled him in against her. “Oh, my darling. I’m so glad you’re back.” 

Ronan mumbled something against his mother’s hair that sounded like an apology and she held him tighter, kissing the side of his face. 

Adam climbed out of the car, accidentally caught Calla’s eye and looked away quickly. They should probably have the car show down after everything else had been explained. 

“And Adam,” Aurora said. She hadn’t released Ronan, just let go of him with one hand while she reached for Adam. She pulled him into the hug as well and squeezed the both of them together. “Thank you for being with him.” 

Adam wasn’t sure what he was supposed to reply to this so he made a somewhat affirmative noise and let her hug him tightly. 

“You’re both fools for going off without any of us,” she added, releasing the both of them, “but - oh.” 

She broke off and released the two of them before stepping forwards and pulling open Declan’s door. 

He hadn’t even undone his seatbelt. He was just sitting there quietly crying. The sight hurt Adam’s stomach and he wanted to look away, but, the way Aurora moved kept his eyes stuck on the scene. 

“My darling, dauntless, Declan,” she said, bending down into the car so she could wrap her arms around Declan’s shoulder. “Oh I’m so sory.” 

Declan didn’t respond audibly, simply wrapped his arms around his mother and stayed where he was. Aurora was talking to him lowly, her words soft and gentle, and now it was too much, too private to keep watching so Adam looked away and around at everyone else just in time to catch Blue flying into him. 

“You bastards!” she said, hugged Adam tightly, and then tugged his hair. “I can’t believe you’d just! Leave! Without us!” She punched Ronan gently in the arm as she spoke. 

“Sorry,” Adam said, glanced over her head at Gansey who was hovering as if stupidly afraid of overstepping. “I’m sorry. I didn’t - we didn’t want to put you guys in danger.” 

Ronan’s hand was in his. 

“That’s stupid,” Gansey said, his voice quiet like it was an effort to speak at all. “We’re your friends. We always do our adventures together.” 

“Sorry,” Ronan echoed. “I wasn’t thinking straight. I wouldn’t let Parrish tell anyone we were going.” 

“You never think straight,” Blue shot back. 

Ronan shrugged. 

-

They had to tell everyone what had happened in the forest. It took some time, and afterwards Adam was surprised to find himself still awake. They had to face a tiny serving of Calla’s wrath about the car. Ronan explained everything in short words. Aurora sat on the couch with her sons all around her. Matthew in between her knees, Declan and Ronan on either side. Like a knot of Lynch’s, all of them unwilling to let go of the other. 

Maybe it wasn’t perfect. So much horrific shit had gone down. They weren’t sure how Cabeswater would hold Niall, for how long it could. But. It was still so good. It was a good outcome. Things were good. Right?    
  
So why the hell did Adam want to leave, to slip out of the room while everyone was trying to talk at once. To walk back to St Agnes and climb into bed and cry. He had no reason to be so upset. Ronan was safe. All the Lynch’s were safe. Even Noah was here, more solid looking than usual. He ought to be happy. 

He slipped out of the room and up the stairs. He couldn’t bring himself to leave without telling someone, not again, not yet. The bathroom was occupied so he let himself into the crammed laundry and crouched down to sit in front of the dryer. It was still warm as if it had only just finished a cycle. 

He was just tired, he told himself as his eyes threatened to overflow. He pressed his forehead against his knees and repeated again that he was just tired. 

Before he had managed to stem his emotions and his exhaustion, the door creaked open. 

“Sorry,” Adam mumbled, thinking it was one of the residents of Fox Way come to collect their drying. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and made to stand up. “I’ll get out of your way.” 

“What are you doing up here?” Ronan asked. He sat down next to Adam before Adam could stand up. “Why did you leave?” 

Adam returned his forehead to his knees. 

“Felt like I was in the way.” 

“The fuck?” Ronan snorted. He shuffled a little closer to Adam so their hips were pressed together. “Parrish.” 

Adam shook his head. He hadn’t figured out what was wrong with himself yet, so it was very rude for his mouth to have just said what it had without checking in with him first. 

Ronan put his arm slowly around Adam’s shoulders, tugged him in tighter. 

They both knew Adam hadn’t been in the way. There were too many people downstairs for it to have been Adam in the way. 

“What if it hadn’t worked?” Adam asked. 

Ronan didn’t reply. 

“There were three of us against him. We could have fought him, but - but you wouldn’t have wanted to do that.” 

It wasn’t a question and Ronan didn’t answer it. 

“Would you have gone back to the Barns with him?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“I don’t know if I could have stopped him taking you,” Adam mumbled. “But I want to believe that I could have. That I woul have.” 

“Parrish.” 

Adam felt sick.

“This isn’t your fault, Adam,” Ronan said, voice firm. “I’ve got no fucking clue why you would ever think any of this is your goddamned fault but it isn’t.” 

Adam had no clue how Ronan even knew that Adam needed confirmation of this. Maybe his guilt stunk. 

“I should have done something earlier,” Adam said to his legs. “I shouldn’t have fake broke up with you. I should have -” 

“Jesus Christ,” Ronan groaned. “Adam. You did your best, you idiot. If anyone is to blame for this, it’s me for being so blind for so long.” 

“No,” Adam shook his head furiously. “If anyone’s to blame it’s Niall.” 

“Okay,” Ronan said easily. “He’s to blame. And only him.” 

It wasn’t really enough to quell all the stupid insecure waves of guilt in Adam’s stomach, but it was something he mostly believed was true, so he nodded and let Ronan lift his head up and kiss him gently. 

“Would you do something for me?” 

“What?” Adam asked, managed to bite down on replying that he would do anything for Ronan. 

“Shave my head?” 

-

The Barns was a drastically different place only a few months later. It had always been a beautiful place, but now it seemed...oddly more awake. Like parts of it had been sleeping, or cowed. 

Or maybe it was simply that Aurora seemed more awake, more real. In charge of her own mind. Maybe it was the fact that Declan laughed in the house now, wasn’t always dressed like he was about to go to a job interview. Maybe it was because Matthew wasn’t always looking over his shoulder. 

Maybe it was because Adam had ben napping on top of a haybale for the last half hour while Ronan dreamed next to him, and the summer sun had warmed Adam up in and out, and he could hear music coming from the Barns, Matthew and Declan playing frisbee. 

Chainsaw had been with them until just recently, snoozing on top of Adam’s stomach, but she’d taken off into the blue sky. 

Ronan looked older with his hair shaved off. He looked older with the scarred scratches from his dreams still etched on the side of his face, down his arms. 

When Ronan opened his eyes, Adam was already looking at him, and neither of them turned to look at what was in Ronan’s hands until after they’d kissed.

“Why did you dream yourself a bald cap.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally got around to finishing this chapter! It's not quite what I wanted but if I didn't finish it now I knew I never would. Thank you for sticking around! xxx


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